Friday Night Confessions

Confession time, confession time, how I love confession time..

• I REALLY wish I was in Oregon from now until forever. Bubba's aunt just had her baby today, and my good friend Mandy is expecting in 9 weeks. I wish I was there to be with them, take pictures of them, and just be around them. I miss them.
  
• I snorted smarties as a child. Actually, a teenager. I don't know why I did it. And I look back on it, and wonder HOW I did it. It stung like nothing else. It hurt my lungs, and it turned my snot colors. (lovely, I know, but hey..it's a confession) Luckily I didn't continue this trend. And luckily I didn't get into other things. But I will never look at smarties the same..
• I taught my son the word "crap" the other day. Granted, I am glad he didn't pick up other words, but I am still shocked that he picked up this one. How did he pick it up? I was playing Mario Kart on the Wii, and when it wouldn't drive correctly, I would say "crap". After a couple of rounds, my dad looked at me and says "hear what you taught your son?" I listened and sure enough, I would say "crap" and he would say it right back. Oh laws..what have I done.
  
• I am scared to go back to work. I am scared to be away from Bubba. I am afraid of messing something up. I like being able to do my photography, because I know what I am doing. I don't want to work. I like being a stay at home mom. I wanted to be one for so long. Now that I am one, I have to work. It just doesn't seem fair.
  
• I really don't like being made to think that everything is my fault. If you did something wrong, and you KNOW you did something wrong. Please don't try and make me see that it was somehow my fault too. Just apologize and get on with it. It makes me a lot more mad when it is turned around to be my fault. If I did something wrong, I will apologize.
  
• I HATE sleeping alone. I know, I know. This is like a confession every week. But it just so happens that the day I do confessions, are usually the days that Sam leaves for work. So it weighs a lot on my mind.
  
• I spent 6 years trying to have a child. Bubba came to us just before our 6 year anniversary. I have spent over 7 years trying to get pregnant on my own. I am infertile. We have been through 8 months of clomid medications, 4 rounds of Intra-Uterine Insemination, and 3 rounds of In-Vitro. (Not sure what these are? Just ask. ) We have had 1 confirmed miscarriage, and as the 3 year mark comes closer to when that miscarriage was (Christmas Day 2006) I have been poked more times then I care to. (3 shots a day during In-Vitro, plus all the bloodwork) And I have NO modesty anymore when it comes to the subject, or seeing doctors. We were told that we have a 1 in a million chance of conceiving on our own. There is a cycle to Infertility. Different stages that you go through. There is anger, there is denial, there is depression/grieving, and there is hope. You go through different stages throughout the whole process. And you go through them over, and over, and OVER again. And the only way to make it through, is to recognize what stage you are in at that time, and live with it. I am currently on Birth Control to try and make my body normal again. This leads to my angry stage. I feel mad that I can't get pregnant. I have so many friends who have beat the odds and gotten pregnant through some miracle, and others that can get pregnant by LOOKING at their husband :-). And I am SOOO happy for them, believe me I am. I have NO hard/negative feelings for them, and do nothing but scream in joy when I find out. But I feel mad. Why can't that be me. Why can't WE beat the odds? Why, when we have been told we have a low chance of getting pregnant, do I have to be on Birth Control? Doesn't that seem just wrong? What am I doing wrong? Because I MUST be doing something wrong. Anyway...this is a long confession. I just know that some people don't know our story. And those just happen to be my feelings right now.
  
• I love when Bubba belly laughs. I try to make him belly laugh at least once a day, because if I can get him to do it, my day goes so much better, and I feel like I can get through it. I sure love him.
  
• I love Chick Flicks. I watch action movies ALL the time, because Sam likes them. But I really don't care to see them that much. I would be much better off seeing a chick flick that I want to see. Too bad I haven't seen a chick flick in the theater since "Charly" came out all those years ago. At least that's the last one I remember...

Have I made this long enough?
Glad I could come up with these all on my own..my mother and sister were NO help on this matter.
Except Tanielle.
Apparently I am supposed to confess that "I stink".
Thank you Tanielle,
Thank you.