merry christmas and happy new year

good riddance 2012. 

i won't really miss you. 

you aren't a year that i want to live through again. 

i am, however, thankful for a few things. 

my hubby has a job again

bubba is the highlight of my life

my business did good this year

but..

bring on 2013

happy new year.

December

i've been avoiding you

seriously. 

i haven't known what to write, what to portray, what to disclose. 

le sigh. 

but i am here. it's a week before christmas, and we are settling in to enjoy our last bit of the year. 

work is pretty much caught up. 

bubba is almost done with pre-school for the year.

we are excited for 2013 and what the possibilities are. 

let's start with the most exciting news so far. 

SAM GOT A JOB. 

that's right. 

he got a job again, and we are getting back into the routine of a schedule. 

i admit that after six months of not being employed it's hard letting him go back to work. 

i have to clean. 

i have to cook. 

i have to shop. 

(yes. sam did all of those while he was home. yes, i hit the jackpot in my marriage choice :)) 

but it's good. he's enjoying it, and we are enjoying the benefits of him working again. 

bubba is over 4.5 now, and i can't believe he will be 5 in just a few months.  he's the highlight of my world. he makes me laugh, smile, melt, etc. he has an imagination that will leave your head spinning. :) 

seriously. you don't need t.v., with what comes out of his mind, you will be endlessly entertained. 

i love it. 

i don't ever want it to change. 

in a way, i don't want him to know reality. 

his world is so much better. 

and it's protected by armor, so bad guys can't get us. 

who wouldn't want that? :) 

he's loving pre-school, and he's learned a lot the last little bit. 

i can't wait until we can get a sibling for him. 

he will be an amazing big brother. 

we are hanging in there and we are so thankful for everything that we have. 

we truly are blessed, and our hearts are full. 

the Lords answers prayers. 

He hears us. 

and even though we get frustrated that things aren't happening on OUR schedule. 

things somehow work out. 

and i am blessed. 

just look at those two faces above. 

how could i not be?! 

enjoy. 

hello

hello. 

i'm tara. 

and i feel like i've been living under a rock for the past few months. :) 

i have been working my butt off. 

my photography has become our main source of income for the time being, and i am pushing everything i can to make that work. 

i love it. 

i want to do this more than just "on the side" 

i want to make it work. 

for my husband, 

for me family, 

for me. 

and watch me. i will make it work. 

bubba started preschool. 

he loves it. 

i cried when i first sent him off. 

but then, i suppose all mom's do, right? 

or maybe i'm just weird. 

he comes home from school every day, and tells me what he is learning. 

i love watching his mind expand. 

love it. 

he has started reading the short books. 

you know, the ones that go: 

"mat" "mat sat" etc. 

i believe he has that first book memorized. 

he is my life, and i love watching him learn. 

we went to sea world in san diego back in the beginning of august. 

that and the beach are my happy place. 

bubba's favorite part was shame, and the dolphins. 

he didn't like getting soaked by the pilot whales. 

holy cow those things drenched us. 

and then we tasted salt the.rest.of.the.day. 

but anyway, he liked the acrobatic show as well. the whole time during that, he kept saying he wanted to do that stuff. 

gymnastics anyone?

we also had the chance to go to the san diego zoo, and the beach, and old town san diego, and the redwood forests, and the beach, and the cheese factory, and the beach. 

loved every minute of that vacation. 

ok, that's a lie. i didn't so much like the afternoon driving through the middle of california (100+ degree temperature) in a vehicle with no air conditioning. 

i'm pretty sure i complained most of that hour. 

first world problems people. 

we also got to spend a few days in st. george with my sister tanielle. 

we went to zion's national park, which was my first time going. 

that place is GORGEOUS. i definitely want to go back, 

and not forget my memory cards so i can actually get pictures...

we had the chance to spend a couple of days with my friend melissa in elko, nevada. where we stopped along the way and attempted family photos. :) 

for my birthday this year, sam surprised me with a trip up to park city. 

he planned a sitter, hotel, everything! 

we got to stroll down park city main street (mind you, everything was basically closed at this point, but it was still fun. :)) 

we went to the olympic park and did the zip lines, the alpine slide, and the adventure courses, and the drop. 

it was a blast. 

i am SO thankful for the traveling that we have been able to do this year! 

in a few weeks, i will be traveling to new york with a friend. 

i am very excited for this trip, and can't WAIT for it to get here! i love being able to take photos in new places! 

and hopefully i will be posting photos on here again. 

we listened to conference a couple of weeks ago. and can i tell you how much better i feel? my soul feels happier, my burdens seem lifted, my heart seems to sing a little more. i know that the Lord will take care of me and my little family. i know that He knows what we are supposed to be doing right now. 

i just have to learn to listen. 

one of the harder things for me to do. 

but i'm trying. :) 

i am currently waiting for hubby to finish a game so i can drag him off to watch a movie with me. 

yes.

at 12:30 in the morning. :) 

because that's how we roll. 

here

still here. 

don't worry. 

i'll try to get back into the blogging mode. 

there's a lot that has happened the last few months,

and i've been running. 

running from e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

but my body/soul is tired. 

so i'm slowing down, 

and i'm pretty sure that everything is going to catch up to me. 

and engulf me. 

and i have to let it. 

but no worries. 

i'll be ok. 

i just have to face some ugly stuff. 

and then i'll be ok. 

my boys will help pull me through whatever catches up to me. 

one of the reasons i love them both so. 

they save me. 

and then i'll be able to come out the other side, 

stronger. 

head held tall. 

happier. 

more at peace. 

just you wait. 

:) 

been awhile

it's been a while yeah? 

i know it has, and i apologize. 

well...not really. 

i've really just been putting this off. 

but i decided that i can't just blog once every couple of months. 

it's not good for the soul. 

this summer is shaping up to be a busy one. 

and i actually kind of like it. :) 

from this last weekend, until the end of july, i will have traveled to: 

elko, st george, manti, idaho falls, oregon, and california

if you can figure out how to fit that all in, please let me know. 

needless to say, it's going to get crazy. 

:) 

not that we aren't already crazy. 

we bought a zoo membership for the year. 

so far...

best.investment.ever. 

we love it.
 

we plan on going multiple times throughout the year. 

in fact, we are going tomorrow and spending some times with some friends.

we have also had some fun playing with cousins.
bubba would stay with them 24/7 if he could.
we sure love them.

we haven't heard any news on the adoption front. 

we had one close call, that didn't end up with us, but after taking my time to grieve, we look back on it now and think that it's probably for the better.
so we continue to wait, and trust that our Heavenly Father knows what is best for us.
even if i'm impatient. 

well, i am going to end for the night. 

my mind is way to heavy and i don't want this post to end up a depressing one. 

so we end with the positive note of heading to st. george in a couple of days. 

and hopefully i won't wait so long to update. ;) 

g'night 

peace

showers are my peace. 

they are where i go to think things over

they make me feel better

they are where i go to cry. 

they are my comfort

i've had a lot of things on my mind lately, and as i try to sort them out the one place i am drawn to go

is the shower. 

apparently bubba is drawn to them as well. 

i'm a lucky mom 

relax

this week is bound to get crazy. :) 

in a good way i beleve. 

you see, this week is bubba's birthday. 

he turns 4. 

any ideas on how to mentally handle your little getting bigger? 

because i'm going to need it. 

(yeah yeah, wait till he gos to kindergarten, or jr high, or high school, or his mission, or gets married..alright stop.)

 he can't grow up that fast.

i won't let him. 

or i will let let, and just cry about it. 

either way. 

he's so very excited for his birthday party. 

it's a SUPERHERO party. 

and i'm stepping into new territory with this birthday party thing. :/

but he's excited. so it's all worth it. 

yeah? 

aaaaaand, hunger games comes out this week. 

midnight showing baby. 

and i have an AMAZING husband, and mother who are going to go with me, and make it fun. :) 

(and an AMAZING sister who is watching bubba for the night)

i'm also in the process of contacting different people for various different things. 

and it feels like a million years between emails. 

even if it's only 5 minutes. :) 

SO. 

i've made a decision. 

i'm going to veg. 

yes, you read that right. 

we are going to do nothing the next two days other than staying in pajamas (ok...we MIGHT get fully dressed) and watching movies and playing with friends. :) 

i think i'm just as excited about it as bubba is. 

we are going to spend the next couple of days, just us and friends. 

playing, relaxing, and enjoying. 

take that world. :)

play dates

yesterday was such a perfect day! 

it was warm, and delightful, and the sun was shining, there was a slight breeze, and it was just...

perfect. 

my good friend callie asked us if we wanted to get together yesterday and let our kids play. 

of course. 

it gets me out of the house. :) 

we ended up going to a park that is nearby and letting our kiddios play for about 2 hours. 

then we went back to her house and they played for another couple of hours outside. 

they had a blast, and i enjoyed the company of a good friend. 

i absolutely love her. i can be myself with her, and not feel like she is judging me. 

i just love her, and am SO thankful to have someone like her in my life! 

here's a picture documentary of our day 

(i'm going to try and do this more often, so i can have more pictures of bubba's daily life)

 after sam got home last night, we went to a couple of stores. 

here is a conversation we had as we passed toy's r us. 

bubba: i want to go to that store!!

me: aww..i know, but that store is closed!

bubba: i will talk to Jesus and he will open it. 

(i then look back at him, and he has his hands folded together, eyes closed, head bowed, and he's praying with all of his heart)

bubba: (whispering his prayer) please let that store be open so we can go in and buy more toys. 

me: (attempting to hold in my laughter, and enjoy this)

bubba: i talked to Jesus (in a VERY excited voice)

me: i'm so glad that you can talk to Jesus, but it's ok if the store is still closed. 

bubba: Jesus is gonna open it. 

me: He is? 

bubba: yes, he has the keys. 

me: it might not be open until tomorrow, is that ok? 

bubba: course. 

oh boy. 

although it makes my heart smile knowing that he knows he can talk to Jesus when he needs something (or even wants something). 

love it. :) 

have a great week. :)

sicky sicky sick

*warning* this is a post about being sick. if you don't want to read about throwing up, etc. please stop now. :) you're welcome.

 

i am so sick of sick. 

it seems like either one of us or all of us have been sick all the time for the last few months.

i am sick of it. 

bleh.

a couple of weeks ago, when i went to the doctor, they said i had a sinus infection. 

took antibiotics for 10 days, and felt better for a couple of days. 

friday came around, and the doctor appointment that told us i didn't have cancer (yay!)

sam was SO sweet, and ended up coming home from work and surprised us at the doctors office by showing up, when i didn't think he would. 

i love that man. 

anyway, we decide to celebrate, and spend the day together. so after doing a few errands, we met up with my cousin and her kids at her house, and spent some time with them. 

we then went to a park, out to dinner, and then decided to catch a movie at the dollar theater. 

puss in boots. 

cute and funny movie. 

bubba was acting really tired, and wanted to snuggle on my lap. 

after the movie, we headed home and decided to play games together. 

bubba was acting kind of funny, and i should have known what was up, but alas. 

he kept going from sitting/laying on the couch, into the kitchen to get a drink, into the bathroom to just stand there. i asked him if he needed to use the bathroom, which he replied with "i don't know". 

about a minute later, i turn to look at him, and see him throwing up. 

all.over.the.bathroom.floor. 

i run in, lift up the toilet lid, and hold him over the toilet while he proceeds to throw up 3 times his volume. 

it was insane. 

seriously. i didn't know a kid could throw up that much. 

where did he hold it?!

strip down his clothes, and draw up a bath for him. he just lays in it. no energy. 

we clean him up, get him out, go to get him dressed. 

round 2 hit. 

luckily, sam had the bowl right there so it didn't get anywhere but the bowl. 

he's thirsty. 

we get him water, and get a bed set up for him in our front room. 

10 minutes later, round 3. 

but now, not only are we dealing with throwing up, but he's decided that he needs to go to the bathroom. 

great. 

both ends. 

he proceeds to throw up every 10-15 minutes until he has absolutely nothing left in him. 

then it's just dry heaving. 

then sips of water. 

then throwing up that water. 

this continued for about 5 hours. 

then a fever set in. 

he was up most of that night. saturday morning, he finally slept some. 

saturday afternoon, he took a 3 hour nap. 

i've never seen him so mopey, and tired. 

broke.my.heart. 

i spent most of saturday snuggling him, and trying to keep him comfortable. 

saturday evening, he kept saying he was hungry, we tried to get him to eat chicken and stars and some bread. 

took his first bite, and ran for the bowl. 

here we go again. 

luckily he just threw up that once on saturday night. 

sunday he was much better. we still just took it easy. 

monday, my tummy felt a little off, but not sick. 

monday night, sam tells me he doesn't feel good. 

i went up to bed so he could rest downstairs without me bugging him. 

i got a call at 5 in the morning. 

"i am thirsty, and need more water, but i can't get up and get it"

apparently he had been throwing up for 4 hours and didn't wake me up until he absolutely had to. 

poor guy. 

so tuesday, sam was down sick. 

wednesday, he woke up, and all he felt was tired. so he headed back to work, and has been fine since. 

then this morning, i woke up with my sinus's completely stuffed and unable to breathe again. 

oh boy. 

i am so sick of this. 

please sickness, just leave my house and don't come back for a while. 

i would really like us to be healthy for a couple of weeks!!

a scare

i'm going to let you into how my life has been this last couple of weeks. 

i went to the doctor's office on january 30th

i had a sinus infection, and a few days before i got a strong impression to have some moles removed. 

if you know me, you know what i'm talking about. 

i am COVERED in moles. 

they say the average amount people have are 10-40 moles on their body. 

i have over 40 on ONE arm. 

yeah. 

i knew that i was at higher risk for skin cancer.

also, at least 4 of these moles had started changing, and had all the markers for it. 

so needless to say, i was worried. 

went in, had the doctor look them over. 

yeah..let's remove them and have them tested. 

so we scheduled an appointment for that thursday, feb 2nd. 

went in, and had 4 moles removed. 

two were plugged, and needed 3 stitches each, and two were too big to be plugged, and needed to be scraped out. 

luckily, with the lidocaine, i didn't really feel it until later. 

then it was a matter of waiting for the results. 

and trying to figure out how to shower without getting the stitches wet. 

(2 were on my chest, one of which had stitches, and the other one that had stitches, was in the center of my back between my shoulder blades)

sponge baths are NOT that exciting. 

and hot showers are my comfort. 

so not having those...made me anxious.

the.longest.eight.days.ever. 

i can't express the things that went through my mind. 

i was actually ok with it. 

i know, that sounds completely odd. 

but i felt completely at peace with the possibility that i had cancer. 

i was also anxious. anxious for the unknown. 

i was worried, what would happen next?

how was this going to affect our adoption plans?

would we have to put them on hold? 

i had a lot of people praying for me.

a.LOT.

and it was a HUGE testimony builder for me. 

i was finally able to go back to the doctor yesterday. friday the 10th. 

and i'm going to state, that i have an AMAZING doctor. he took care of me when i was a teenager, and i am so glad that my insurance covers him so that i can continue to go to him. 

anyway

he sat down, and asked if i was nervous. 

i, of course, said yes. 

and then he told me "well, your pathology results came back normal"

that is what stuck with me. 

normal. 

not cancer. 

then he said something about how they had something in them that would lead to cancer. 

so it's good we got them out now. 

complete.relief. 

i am lucky to say that i don't have cancer. 

i do have to go in once a year and have full skin checks to keep an eye on other moles. 

but as of right now, i don't have it. 

but, no more tanning beds for this girl. 

i will be wearing sun screen anytime i spend time outside. 

white is the new tan people. 

trust me on this. 

i will be sporting it now.

who wants to join me?

and i would also like to tell my mother THANK YOU. 

she drove me to each of my appointments, helped me with bubba, and held my hand through the hard parts. 

you saved me, and i can't thank you enough. 

i love you.

life

hello there

how are you doing this fine day?

we are doing swell. :) 

i never know what to write on my blog. i feel like it needs to be so deep and thought provoking.

and most of the time, my thoughts aren't that provoking. 

and people say to just blog about what you do, 

you know...keep people updated about your life. 

but i usually talk to my mom on the phone every.single.day and tell her everything that is going on 

that i forget that other people might be reading my blog. 

haha. sorry to all those that get disappointed when you come to my blog and see nothing new. 

let's see. 

bubba is growing. i can't believe he turns 4 next month. 

he entertains me d.a.i.l.y. 

multiple times a day, as a matter of fact. 

like right now, i am watching him play with legos, which are spread across my front room. 

and he is so animated while playing with them. 

"i darth vader, what are you doing?"

(picking up another lego..)

"playing with my friends, what are you doing"

(back to darth vader)

"i going to get you with my light saber"

*light saber noises*

it is rather entertaining. 

and i wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING. 

he knows a lot of his letters, and his numbers, even though he still insists on counting like this
1...2......6....8....12.

with a smile on his face, because he KNOWS he's doing it wrong. and then he laughs at me when i say 

"wait a second, 6 doesn't come after 2!"

well technically it does,

but you know what i mean. 

i sure love him. 

we got rid of one of our couches this last weekend. 

we have SO much more space in our front room, it's amazing. 

bubba has more room to play, but i lost my lounging office location.

which is probably a good thing

i think my butt was starting to take form of where the couches met. 

anyway. 

sam is loving his job, and is exceeding expectations there. he's constantly being told that he is picking everything up faster than anyone, and has been able to get comfortable doing what he is doing. 

even though most of it still goes over my head... 

i'm happy that he is happy though, and we seem to be able to "settle down" a little bit now. 

which is good. 

now we can start looking for a house. :) 

which makes me rather excited. 

we are still waiting to hear anything about an adoption. 

our paperwork is out there, and we are just kind of waiting. 

hopefully we will be able to talk to our caseworker soon, and see what else we can do to get our names out there. 

but in the meantime, we just wait. 

SO much easier said than done. :) 

we are also waiting for some test results for me, to see what else this year is going to bring. 

it might completely change my world. 

but it's ok. 

we will survive. :) 

anyway, there is an update. 

maybe tomorrow i can come and update with pictures. 

yeah...let's try for that. :) 

until then.

16 year old me

 

please watch. 

please share. 

crazy

i've been reading through the last few posts on my blog, and i've decided something. 

i.sound.crazy. 

i promise i'm not. 

well...to a certain degree. 

but i think that everyone has SOME sort of craziness to them. that's what makes each of us unique. 

so i'm going to try to be better. haha. 

less crazy. 

this last weekend, i photographed something i have never photographed before. 

i won't go into it here, as it isn't necessarily mine to share.

but i believe it changed something in me. 

it was hard to photograph, and it made me really think about what i believe in. 

oh how simple and sweet is my belief. 

i respect those who believe differently then i. 

as we wait for a new little to join our sweet little family, i can't help but think that this is how it is supposed to be. 

God has a plan. 

i know that He is mindful of me. 

He hears my never ending prayers asking for comfort, peace, and love.

i know that even though i am BEGGING for an answer or for something to go a certain way, that He is listening and thinking :

"my dear child, i hear your pleas"

and even when i get discouraged, i know He has not left me.

He is always there. 

oh what a blessing!! 

He has helped me calm a lot of my "crazy" lately. 

thankfully, or i'm sure sam would be at his wits end by now. 

dang, how i love that man. 

i am SO thankful for my knowledge in my belief. 

and every time i look into these little eyes, it reaffirms that my life is where it is supposed to be right now. 

so we will continue to pray, and to love, and just...be. :)

HE knows ME.

how my mind works

a few weeks ago, i took a week off of facebook.

shocking, i know.

it was quite liberating. i was able to get more done around my house, spend more time with bubba, and focus more on my little family. 

WHY can i not remember that?

this is a conversation that i had with sam last night: 

sam: you sure spend a lot of time on your phone. you should spend more time with us. sitting by me, but being on your phone, isn't really spending time with me. 

me: yeah i know. i'm sorry.

sam: what are you even doing on it?

me: i don't know. facebook, instagram, pinterest, the news, email, words with friends, and if i'm not doing those, i'm playing some kind of game on it. 

sam: why don't you just put it down?

me: i can't

sam: why?

me: because if i put my phone down, then my mind starts working, and then i get anxious, and panicky. when i'm doing stuff on my phone, i don't have to think about what I have to do, so it calms me. 

(proof, i was in the shower during this discussion, and my phone wasn't 3 feet away from me, and i felt like i had to get out and check things)

sam:.....

me: (sighing heavily.) i just need to get organized and actually do things on my list so i don't have to do that anymore huh. 

sam: yeah, probably. 

i get anxious when i think. 

i over-analyze e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. that comes into my mind.

i always worry about what everyone else is doing, and thinking, and talking about. 

and i'm never satisfied with what's going on RIGHT now. 

i have a million projects going at any given time, and will always give myself more.

i need to stop. 

and i will confess...while writing this post, i have gone back and forth to 3 different web pages because i can't focus on one thing long enough. 

and like most of my posts, i don't remember where i was going with this. haha. 

anyone have any ideas on things that can calm my mind and help me focus? i could accomplish SO much more if i could just focus. 

please. 

pretty please. 

anyway. 

that's a look into my mind. 

hope you enjoyed the trip. :) 

and i hope you enjoyed some photos of a little boy who keeps me sane. :)