how my mind works

a few weeks ago, i took a week off of facebook.

shocking, i know.

it was quite liberating. i was able to get more done around my house, spend more time with bubba, and focus more on my little family. 

WHY can i not remember that?

this is a conversation that i had with sam last night: 

sam: you sure spend a lot of time on your phone. you should spend more time with us. sitting by me, but being on your phone, isn't really spending time with me. 

me: yeah i know. i'm sorry.

sam: what are you even doing on it?

me: i don't know. facebook, instagram, pinterest, the news, email, words with friends, and if i'm not doing those, i'm playing some kind of game on it. 

sam: why don't you just put it down?

me: i can't

sam: why?

me: because if i put my phone down, then my mind starts working, and then i get anxious, and panicky. when i'm doing stuff on my phone, i don't have to think about what I have to do, so it calms me. 

(proof, i was in the shower during this discussion, and my phone wasn't 3 feet away from me, and i felt like i had to get out and check things)

sam:.....

me: (sighing heavily.) i just need to get organized and actually do things on my list so i don't have to do that anymore huh. 

sam: yeah, probably. 

i get anxious when i think. 

i over-analyze e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. that comes into my mind.

i always worry about what everyone else is doing, and thinking, and talking about. 

and i'm never satisfied with what's going on RIGHT now. 

i have a million projects going at any given time, and will always give myself more.

i need to stop. 

and i will confess...while writing this post, i have gone back and forth to 3 different web pages because i can't focus on one thing long enough. 

and like most of my posts, i don't remember where i was going with this. haha. 

anyone have any ideas on things that can calm my mind and help me focus? i could accomplish SO much more if i could just focus. 

please. 

pretty please. 

anyway. 

that's a look into my mind. 

hope you enjoyed the trip. :) 

and i hope you enjoyed some photos of a little boy who keeps me sane. :)

babies don't keep

mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
she's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

oh, i've grown shiftless as little boy blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
the shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing kanga and this is my roo.

look! aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

the cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as i've learned to my sorrow.
so quiet down, cobwebs. dust go to sleep.
i'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.


by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

 this poem kept going through my mind last night, as i chose to sleep in bed with my little, until he was in a deep enough sleep that i could slip out and go to my own.

and again today, as i spent 1.5 hours reading to him, book after book after book. and i didn't care.

i don't get him like this forever. 

he's going to grow older. and i want him to remember the good times.

so i've decided. 

my house can be clean...later. 

my hair can be done up...later. 

dishes can be done...later. 

work can be done...later.

i can be found rocking my baby.

for babies don't keep.

sick

i really really dislike sickness. 

sam has had an ongoing sinus infection, and just as it gets better, he gets it again. 

it's driving me nuts. 

our little family is usually a "cold" family. 

we get a lot of colds. 

bubba is known to get probably 6-7 colds through the year. 

we get used to it. 

but flu? 

luckily, it's passed us by for the last 3 years. 

the only other time bubba was up throwing up, was when he had RSV and therefor coughed himself sick.

until last night. 

oh my poor little. 

nothing is quite as sad as a little boy calling out in the dark

"mommie?! momma? i scared!" 

i was up the rest of the night with him, making sure he was comfortable, making sure he could sleep, and making sure there was a bowl in front of him when he needed it. 

because if i had to clean up vomit, i might.just.die.

(give me credit, i grabbed all his bedding and shoved it into the washer as fast as i could)

he snuggled his little warm body up next to me, tossed, turned, and was sick all night. 

i do not like sickness. 

and now he is playing, although not as hard as he usually does, and he takes many breaks to just lay down. 

we are trying to keep food in his stomach, (we've been successful with some dry cereal, and some peaches, and water) and just let him be as comfortable as possible. 

because being sick is NO fun. 

at all. 

merry christmas 2011

merry christmas to you from us. :)

too read our yearly update, please read below the pictures.

 

sam

sam is still in the elder's quorum presidency in our ward, and enjoys the calling very much. he's had his hands full in the job department this year, we were lucky enough to get hired on at Well's Fargo, where he has been lucky enough to get his series 7 test (passed! yay!) and will take his series 63 this next week. he's been doing his best to take care of us, and make sure that we have the things that we need. he's been working hard. he still enjoys playing sports whenever he can. and he loves playing games with bubba. 

tara

tara has been a primary teacher all year, and loves the sunbeams that she has taught this year. she had a scare in april that put her in the hospital. she ended up with appendicitis, and had an emergency appendectomy. she's recovered fine, and doesn't miss it. :)  she is still doing photography, and was able to get a new camera this year.  she has enjoyed it very much. she is doing amazing at it, and always tries to get better. she has been an amazing mom, and takes care of bubba every day. 

bubba

bubba enjoyed his last year in nursery this year, and will be joining the sunbeams next week. bubba has been enjoying his first year of schooling this year. he has been participating in joy school with other kids in our neighborhood and loves it. he knows his letters, numbers, and colors. he loves playing video games with dad, and has quite the imagination. :) he wants to ride in a helicopter, but loves riding in the train as often as we can. 

family 

this year we had a lot of fun as a family, we had lagoon season passes, and took advantage of them as often as we could. :) with sam's jobs switching, we didn't really get a family vacation this year, but tara and hunter spent some time in colorado with tara's brother and his family. we have been been enjoying friends, and family, and just being together. we finished all of our adoption paperwork, and are now waiting to be chosen. we are hoping a new little one will join our family soon. :) we are so thankful to have you all in our lives, and we wish you the best this holiday season!

MeRrY ChRiStMaS to you, and a HaPpY nEw YeAr!!!

dismissing

"don't give up what you want MOST, 

for what you want NOW" 

i know someone who is struggling at the moment. 

she's wondering what to do with two options placed before her. 

one would bring her joy RIGHT NOW, 

and the other would bring her happiness for a long time. 

it's made me think. 

i can understand where she is coming from on this, and i don't envy her 

at all. 

and as much as i want to make a decision for her, and tell her what will be best for her. 

i can't. 

i have to let her choose, and learn on her own. 

and sometimes it sucks. 

but it makes me think about my own life. 

and this quote plays a BIG part in EVERYTHING in my life. 

i think i need to print it out big and hang it up in my house. 

and remember it every.single.day. 

because it's important.

adoption

well, it's finally happened. 

and i guess i better be able to keep this updated through this process so that i'm not stoned by not updating. 

we got a call last thursday that went like this: 

A: hey tara, how are you today?

me: doing well, how are you?

A: i'm doing great! and so you you! you guys have been approved. 

me: *crying* thank you SO much

we have been approved.

our adoption profile is active.

that's right. 

birthmothers can now see our profile when looking on itsaboutlove.org 

which means we can not be considered

which means we could get picked.

which means we could have a baby placed with us. 

i can' not tell you how excited i am for this. 

if you want to see it, feel free to check it out here.

and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

pass the information along. word of mouth is the absolute best thing possible.

best.thing.possible.

i guess i can detail what all we've been doing in this process. 

in october of 2010, we met with lds family services for an orientation to see if it was something we wanted to do (of course we did). we then got paperwork and started to fill it out. in march of 2011 we met with our caseworkers that were assigned to us. we started more paperwork. we have our individual interviews in june, and our homestudy in july. we needed insurance. we were waiting on sam's job to see what kind of insurance we could get. we tried getting individual insurance, but we were denied because we were considering adoption. they considered us an "expecting couple" and therefor had a pre-exsisting condition and they couldn't cover us. we attended the adoption conference in august, thinking that it wouldn't be long after that that we would have it. 

we waited. 

then we finally got insurance on december 1, and our paperwork was approved december 8th. 

december 8th. 

that's a day that stands out to us. 

december 8, 2006: i had our egg retrieval for an ivf round. we became pregnant that round, but lost it. 

 december 8, 2008: we found out that crystal had picked us to adopt bubba. 

december 8th is a good day. 

we're holding on to that. 

but anyway. i will try to keep  you updated with everything. 

i don't want to leave without a picture, so here's on of bubba. :)

i look into that face, and that's why we are doing this again. 

because of that face. 

so much love. 

hello

hello

my name is tara, and i'm awful at blogging.

my mother pointed out to me that it's been almost 2 months since i last blogged. 

i'm sorry. 

let's see. our christmas tree is up. it has beautiful colored lights on it that i find myself mesmerized by randomly. 

it has a santa hat on the top. 

why?

because we don't have a star or an angel, and the hat doesn't really fit bubba anymore. 

and he wanted it on the tree. 

don't hate.

bubba is sitting by my feet playing a game with sam on the playstation. 

and yes, my 3.5 year old plays nintendo games, and playstation games, and can kick my butt on some of them. 

we only let him play them a short period a day, and he usually has to play with his toys first or do a couple of chores around the house. 

again, don't hate. 

i have to admit. i came to my blog fully expecting to blog about how wonderful life is at the moment (don't get me wrong, it really is wonderful. we are happy, and SO thankful for everything we have)

but i'm not feeling it. 

i have no desire to blog at the moment. 

i'm struggling. and with what, i can't say. 

i wish i could understand other people's pain better. 

i wish i could put myself in other people's shoes better, and understand where they are coming from. 

and while i try to do that the best that i can. 

it's still a slap.

and i find myself wishing something different was happening. 

but anyway. on a different note.

i attended a graveside service for my friend. 

a type of graveside service that i never thought i would ever in this life, have to attend.

it was for 2 of her children. 

born into this world far.to.early. 

but nothing could be done. 

they were given a name and a blessing and lived an extremely very short time.

the graveside service was perfect. 

their children were perfect. 

the strength that I got from the father of those two perfect angels is something i can't explain.

it was a celebration of their very short life. 

about how perfect they were. 

and while sad, i found a kind of peace i hadn't felt in a long time. 

questions answered. 

spirit lifted.

i can't explain. 

i've tried to be there for them during this time, and find myself not only drawn closer to them, but to the Lord as well. so much that tears fall as i type this out.

but still, that is something that i would not wish on ANYONE. 

life is so precious. 

kiss your children and be thankful for them, 

and be thankful that you are not burying them.

because that just sucks.

this christmas will be 5 years since one of our miscarriages. 

last friday was 1 year since our last one. 

as much as i enjoy this time of year, there are still parts i hate. 

(bubba would stop me right there and say "we don't use hate in our house, we use.."really don't like"")

but this year i have a better understanding of them then i have had in the past. 

which is good.

and while i know further down the road i will go into another cycle of grief that i'm told i will constantly go through, right now i am ok with it. i have accepted it, and have tried to grow from it. 

our adoption paperwork should be going through for approval next week. 

that really makes me excited. it will be exciting to be out there, and knowing that SOMEONE can pick us to raise their child. i don't know how long it will take. it could take weeks, or months, or even years. but it's a wait we are willing to make. 

but then i lose control of the situation.

see..with infertility, we commonly don't have control. 

i talk to a lot of people who can control when they get pregnant. 

they say "i think we are going to try next month" and at the end of the next month i get the "we are pregnant!"

with fertility treatments, you don't have control over what your body does, will it respond to this med, or that one? will this treatment work or not? and then with adoption, once your name is out there, you can't control when you get picked or not. 

with the paperwork, you had control over when you did it, what you put, and everything. 

i'm about to lose that control again.

and normally i'm not a controlling person, really i'm not. but when i feel like i can't control ANYTHING anymore, i panic a little. 

but this is good. this is what we want. and sometimes, 

all we can do it pray. 

so we expect a lot of praying. 

and i'll try to let you know when we do actually get approved. :) 

wow...for not being motivated to blog, i made this kind of long. 

sorry about that. 

if you made it this far, congrats. :) 

and try to leave me a comment so i know i'm not crazy. :)