Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Closing Doors

Closing doors.

I have gone back and forth and back and forth on posting this. I've re-written it several times and I'm still not sure about making it public and sharing my story. I know there aren't a lot of people who still read my blog, so I'll slowly start to share a little here. :)

It's about time. If I'm not lying to myself. My poor body has been through enough with fertility treatments, miscarriages, PCOS, Endometriosis, and everything that comes with it each month. But for some reason, that doesn't make it any easier.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we need to just take it all out"

That's what I heard at my last annual OB/GYN appointment. I knew it was coming. But I still held back the tears.

A Hysterectomy. It just seems so.....final. Which it is. They can't exactly put another uterus and everything back in whenever I want.

We've tried for 14+ years to get pregnant. From medicated cycles (over 24 months of clomid) to IUI's (10+ including a couple with Donor Sperm) to IVF (3 cycles). We've had 6 miscarriages and countless negative pregnancy tests. 2 surgeries for Endometriosis, HSG tests, and more doctors seeing my who-ha than I care to admit.  And over the years, everything has just become worse.

So it's time. Eviction notice has been posted for the week between Christmas and New Years.

And while part of me is relieved. Part of me is heartbroken. I've worked so hard to hold on to hope for the last 14+ years, and now it's going to be snuffed out. All hope for carrying a child will be disappearing with my uterus. And that's kind of a sad pill to swallow.

I hope to be posting more on here with my thoughts leading up to surgery, and also the recovery. Because if it helps ONE person, it's worth sharing.

But it's ok. I will be ok. My dream was to be a mother. Which I am. I have 2 beautiful boys who call me mom, and foster children that I get to love on as long as they are here. My dream was just answered a little differently.

And as they always say, when 1 door closes, another one opens. So here's to more open doors, and seeing what life has in store for us.

1 comment:

Kayleigh said...

Oh Tara!!! I'm tearing up reading this. I mean, I already knew the news, but still. I am so sad for you. Despite the closing of one door, hopefully this will mean better health and less pain for you. I know that's hardly the silver lining though. I love you and I hope you know you've been in my prayers!