hello

hello

my name is tara, and i'm awful at blogging.

my mother pointed out to me that it's been almost 2 months since i last blogged. 

i'm sorry. 

let's see. our christmas tree is up. it has beautiful colored lights on it that i find myself mesmerized by randomly. 

it has a santa hat on the top. 

why?

because we don't have a star or an angel, and the hat doesn't really fit bubba anymore. 

and he wanted it on the tree. 

don't hate.

bubba is sitting by my feet playing a game with sam on the playstation. 

and yes, my 3.5 year old plays nintendo games, and playstation games, and can kick my butt on some of them. 

we only let him play them a short period a day, and he usually has to play with his toys first or do a couple of chores around the house. 

again, don't hate. 

i have to admit. i came to my blog fully expecting to blog about how wonderful life is at the moment (don't get me wrong, it really is wonderful. we are happy, and SO thankful for everything we have)

but i'm not feeling it. 

i have no desire to blog at the moment. 

i'm struggling. and with what, i can't say. 

i wish i could understand other people's pain better. 

i wish i could put myself in other people's shoes better, and understand where they are coming from. 

and while i try to do that the best that i can. 

it's still a slap.

and i find myself wishing something different was happening. 

but anyway. on a different note.

i attended a graveside service for my friend. 

a type of graveside service that i never thought i would ever in this life, have to attend.

it was for 2 of her children. 

born into this world far.to.early. 

but nothing could be done. 

they were given a name and a blessing and lived an extremely very short time.

the graveside service was perfect. 

their children were perfect. 

the strength that I got from the father of those two perfect angels is something i can't explain.

it was a celebration of their very short life. 

about how perfect they were. 

and while sad, i found a kind of peace i hadn't felt in a long time. 

questions answered. 

spirit lifted.

i can't explain. 

i've tried to be there for them during this time, and find myself not only drawn closer to them, but to the Lord as well. so much that tears fall as i type this out.

but still, that is something that i would not wish on ANYONE. 

life is so precious. 

kiss your children and be thankful for them, 

and be thankful that you are not burying them.

because that just sucks.

this christmas will be 5 years since one of our miscarriages. 

last friday was 1 year since our last one. 

as much as i enjoy this time of year, there are still parts i hate. 

(bubba would stop me right there and say "we don't use hate in our house, we use.."really don't like"")

but this year i have a better understanding of them then i have had in the past. 

which is good.

and while i know further down the road i will go into another cycle of grief that i'm told i will constantly go through, right now i am ok with it. i have accepted it, and have tried to grow from it. 

our adoption paperwork should be going through for approval next week. 

that really makes me excited. it will be exciting to be out there, and knowing that SOMEONE can pick us to raise their child. i don't know how long it will take. it could take weeks, or months, or even years. but it's a wait we are willing to make. 

but then i lose control of the situation.

see..with infertility, we commonly don't have control. 

i talk to a lot of people who can control when they get pregnant. 

they say "i think we are going to try next month" and at the end of the next month i get the "we are pregnant!"

with fertility treatments, you don't have control over what your body does, will it respond to this med, or that one? will this treatment work or not? and then with adoption, once your name is out there, you can't control when you get picked or not. 

with the paperwork, you had control over when you did it, what you put, and everything. 

i'm about to lose that control again.

and normally i'm not a controlling person, really i'm not. but when i feel like i can't control ANYTHING anymore, i panic a little. 

but this is good. this is what we want. and sometimes, 

all we can do it pray. 

so we expect a lot of praying. 

and i'll try to let you know when we do actually get approved. :) 

wow...for not being motivated to blog, i made this kind of long. 

sorry about that. 

if you made it this far, congrats. :) 

and try to leave me a comment so i know i'm not crazy. :)