sick

i really really dislike sickness. 

sam has had an ongoing sinus infection, and just as it gets better, he gets it again. 

it's driving me nuts. 

our little family is usually a "cold" family. 

we get a lot of colds. 

bubba is known to get probably 6-7 colds through the year. 

we get used to it. 

but flu? 

luckily, it's passed us by for the last 3 years. 

the only other time bubba was up throwing up, was when he had RSV and therefor coughed himself sick.

until last night. 

oh my poor little. 

nothing is quite as sad as a little boy calling out in the dark

"mommie?! momma? i scared!" 

i was up the rest of the night with him, making sure he was comfortable, making sure he could sleep, and making sure there was a bowl in front of him when he needed it. 

because if i had to clean up vomit, i might.just.die.

(give me credit, i grabbed all his bedding and shoved it into the washer as fast as i could)

he snuggled his little warm body up next to me, tossed, turned, and was sick all night. 

i do not like sickness. 

and now he is playing, although not as hard as he usually does, and he takes many breaks to just lay down. 

we are trying to keep food in his stomach, (we've been successful with some dry cereal, and some peaches, and water) and just let him be as comfortable as possible. 

because being sick is NO fun. 

at all. 

merry christmas 2011

merry christmas to you from us. :)

too read our yearly update, please read below the pictures.

 

sam

sam is still in the elder's quorum presidency in our ward, and enjoys the calling very much. he's had his hands full in the job department this year, we were lucky enough to get hired on at Well's Fargo, where he has been lucky enough to get his series 7 test (passed! yay!) and will take his series 63 this next week. he's been doing his best to take care of us, and make sure that we have the things that we need. he's been working hard. he still enjoys playing sports whenever he can. and he loves playing games with bubba. 

tara

tara has been a primary teacher all year, and loves the sunbeams that she has taught this year. she had a scare in april that put her in the hospital. she ended up with appendicitis, and had an emergency appendectomy. she's recovered fine, and doesn't miss it. :)  she is still doing photography, and was able to get a new camera this year.  she has enjoyed it very much. she is doing amazing at it, and always tries to get better. she has been an amazing mom, and takes care of bubba every day. 

bubba

bubba enjoyed his last year in nursery this year, and will be joining the sunbeams next week. bubba has been enjoying his first year of schooling this year. he has been participating in joy school with other kids in our neighborhood and loves it. he knows his letters, numbers, and colors. he loves playing video games with dad, and has quite the imagination. :) he wants to ride in a helicopter, but loves riding in the train as often as we can. 

family 

this year we had a lot of fun as a family, we had lagoon season passes, and took advantage of them as often as we could. :) with sam's jobs switching, we didn't really get a family vacation this year, but tara and hunter spent some time in colorado with tara's brother and his family. we have been been enjoying friends, and family, and just being together. we finished all of our adoption paperwork, and are now waiting to be chosen. we are hoping a new little one will join our family soon. :) we are so thankful to have you all in our lives, and we wish you the best this holiday season!

MeRrY ChRiStMaS to you, and a HaPpY nEw YeAr!!!

dismissing

"don't give up what you want MOST, 

for what you want NOW" 

i know someone who is struggling at the moment. 

she's wondering what to do with two options placed before her. 

one would bring her joy RIGHT NOW, 

and the other would bring her happiness for a long time. 

it's made me think. 

i can understand where she is coming from on this, and i don't envy her 

at all. 

and as much as i want to make a decision for her, and tell her what will be best for her. 

i can't. 

i have to let her choose, and learn on her own. 

and sometimes it sucks. 

but it makes me think about my own life. 

and this quote plays a BIG part in EVERYTHING in my life. 

i think i need to print it out big and hang it up in my house. 

and remember it every.single.day. 

because it's important.

adoption

well, it's finally happened. 

and i guess i better be able to keep this updated through this process so that i'm not stoned by not updating. 

we got a call last thursday that went like this: 

A: hey tara, how are you today?

me: doing well, how are you?

A: i'm doing great! and so you you! you guys have been approved. 

me: *crying* thank you SO much

we have been approved.

our adoption profile is active.

that's right. 

birthmothers can now see our profile when looking on itsaboutlove.org 

which means we can not be considered

which means we could get picked.

which means we could have a baby placed with us. 

i can' not tell you how excited i am for this. 

if you want to see it, feel free to check it out here.

and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

pass the information along. word of mouth is the absolute best thing possible.

best.thing.possible.

i guess i can detail what all we've been doing in this process. 

in october of 2010, we met with lds family services for an orientation to see if it was something we wanted to do (of course we did). we then got paperwork and started to fill it out. in march of 2011 we met with our caseworkers that were assigned to us. we started more paperwork. we have our individual interviews in june, and our homestudy in july. we needed insurance. we were waiting on sam's job to see what kind of insurance we could get. we tried getting individual insurance, but we were denied because we were considering adoption. they considered us an "expecting couple" and therefor had a pre-exsisting condition and they couldn't cover us. we attended the adoption conference in august, thinking that it wouldn't be long after that that we would have it. 

we waited. 

then we finally got insurance on december 1, and our paperwork was approved december 8th. 

december 8th. 

that's a day that stands out to us. 

december 8, 2006: i had our egg retrieval for an ivf round. we became pregnant that round, but lost it. 

 december 8, 2008: we found out that crystal had picked us to adopt bubba. 

december 8th is a good day. 

we're holding on to that. 

but anyway. i will try to keep  you updated with everything. 

i don't want to leave without a picture, so here's on of bubba. :)

i look into that face, and that's why we are doing this again. 

because of that face. 

so much love. 

hello

hello

my name is tara, and i'm awful at blogging.

my mother pointed out to me that it's been almost 2 months since i last blogged. 

i'm sorry. 

let's see. our christmas tree is up. it has beautiful colored lights on it that i find myself mesmerized by randomly. 

it has a santa hat on the top. 

why?

because we don't have a star or an angel, and the hat doesn't really fit bubba anymore. 

and he wanted it on the tree. 

don't hate.

bubba is sitting by my feet playing a game with sam on the playstation. 

and yes, my 3.5 year old plays nintendo games, and playstation games, and can kick my butt on some of them. 

we only let him play them a short period a day, and he usually has to play with his toys first or do a couple of chores around the house. 

again, don't hate. 

i have to admit. i came to my blog fully expecting to blog about how wonderful life is at the moment (don't get me wrong, it really is wonderful. we are happy, and SO thankful for everything we have)

but i'm not feeling it. 

i have no desire to blog at the moment. 

i'm struggling. and with what, i can't say. 

i wish i could understand other people's pain better. 

i wish i could put myself in other people's shoes better, and understand where they are coming from. 

and while i try to do that the best that i can. 

it's still a slap.

and i find myself wishing something different was happening. 

but anyway. on a different note.

i attended a graveside service for my friend. 

a type of graveside service that i never thought i would ever in this life, have to attend.

it was for 2 of her children. 

born into this world far.to.early. 

but nothing could be done. 

they were given a name and a blessing and lived an extremely very short time.

the graveside service was perfect. 

their children were perfect. 

the strength that I got from the father of those two perfect angels is something i can't explain.

it was a celebration of their very short life. 

about how perfect they were. 

and while sad, i found a kind of peace i hadn't felt in a long time. 

questions answered. 

spirit lifted.

i can't explain. 

i've tried to be there for them during this time, and find myself not only drawn closer to them, but to the Lord as well. so much that tears fall as i type this out.

but still, that is something that i would not wish on ANYONE. 

life is so precious. 

kiss your children and be thankful for them, 

and be thankful that you are not burying them.

because that just sucks.

this christmas will be 5 years since one of our miscarriages. 

last friday was 1 year since our last one. 

as much as i enjoy this time of year, there are still parts i hate. 

(bubba would stop me right there and say "we don't use hate in our house, we use.."really don't like"")

but this year i have a better understanding of them then i have had in the past. 

which is good.

and while i know further down the road i will go into another cycle of grief that i'm told i will constantly go through, right now i am ok with it. i have accepted it, and have tried to grow from it. 

our adoption paperwork should be going through for approval next week. 

that really makes me excited. it will be exciting to be out there, and knowing that SOMEONE can pick us to raise their child. i don't know how long it will take. it could take weeks, or months, or even years. but it's a wait we are willing to make. 

but then i lose control of the situation.

see..with infertility, we commonly don't have control. 

i talk to a lot of people who can control when they get pregnant. 

they say "i think we are going to try next month" and at the end of the next month i get the "we are pregnant!"

with fertility treatments, you don't have control over what your body does, will it respond to this med, or that one? will this treatment work or not? and then with adoption, once your name is out there, you can't control when you get picked or not. 

with the paperwork, you had control over when you did it, what you put, and everything. 

i'm about to lose that control again.

and normally i'm not a controlling person, really i'm not. but when i feel like i can't control ANYTHING anymore, i panic a little. 

but this is good. this is what we want. and sometimes, 

all we can do it pray. 

so we expect a lot of praying. 

and i'll try to let you know when we do actually get approved. :) 

wow...for not being motivated to blog, i made this kind of long. 

sorry about that. 

if you made it this far, congrats. :) 

and try to leave me a comment so i know i'm not crazy. :)

friday confessions

~ i really don't like the cold weather. i know during the summer i say that i would rather be cold than hot, because then you can keep putting layers on to get warm, you can only take so many layers off when you're hot. 

but really. i just don't like the cold. the shivering, the tight knots in my shoulders from shivering, the MANY layers i have to put on to go out and do a photoshoot..

and the lack of wearing flip-flops. 

because i am a flip-flop girl. 

seriously. 

but my toes can only take so much. 

this means i have to move to hawaii, where i can wear flip-flops all year round. 

~i get nervous in social situations. don't get me wrong, i love going out and hanging out with people. 

in fact just tonight, i went to a friends house to play pictionary with a bunch of other friends, and LOVED it. 

but i usually get nervous, and try to think of excuses to stay in my house, with my comforts.

~ bubba told me today that he "liked dad better". i know he's only 3, and doesn't think everything through, and everything. but i have to admit that it kind of stung. he's been a momma's boy for so long. 

sam on the other hand is loving it. 

punk. 

~sam got a new job. he started it this last week, and we couldn't be more excited. not only will this give us insurance so we can continue on with another adoption, but it is more stable, and will give him more skills in the field that he likes. 

we are very excited. 

~i have a list a mile long of things i want to make. 

have i touched it?

not really. 

i need to work on that. 

~some days, my heart hurts. usually no reason at all, and it's hard to explain. 

i know what causes it, and i wish i could make it go away. 

i wish i was stronger to make it go away. 

sometimes i think i need to accept that it is going to hurt and deal with it. but i usually push it away and make due. until so much of me hurts i can't focus. 

luckily that doesn't happen too often. 

but when it does. it hurts. 

~i'm ready for bed.

bear lake

sometimes, you just need to get away.

even if it's just for a day

a couple of weeks ago, we planned a trip to bear lake with some friends. we ended up with the choice of not going, or going alone. we decided that we needed a day away, so we went alone (well...after my sister begged to come along :))

so here are some images taken of just us.

enjoying a day away.

the last couple of images are from my FAVORITE place to eat. firehouse pizza. i was sad when they got rid of the one in centerville. now i can only enjoy it when i go up to cache valley. 

and yes, i am married to that man. 

he makes me smile. :)