merry christmas 2011

merry christmas to you from us. :)

too read our yearly update, please read below the pictures.

 

sam

sam is still in the elder's quorum presidency in our ward, and enjoys the calling very much. he's had his hands full in the job department this year, we were lucky enough to get hired on at Well's Fargo, where he has been lucky enough to get his series 7 test (passed! yay!) and will take his series 63 this next week. he's been doing his best to take care of us, and make sure that we have the things that we need. he's been working hard. he still enjoys playing sports whenever he can. and he loves playing games with bubba. 

tara

tara has been a primary teacher all year, and loves the sunbeams that she has taught this year. she had a scare in april that put her in the hospital. she ended up with appendicitis, and had an emergency appendectomy. she's recovered fine, and doesn't miss it. :)  she is still doing photography, and was able to get a new camera this year.  she has enjoyed it very much. she is doing amazing at it, and always tries to get better. she has been an amazing mom, and takes care of bubba every day. 

bubba

bubba enjoyed his last year in nursery this year, and will be joining the sunbeams next week. bubba has been enjoying his first year of schooling this year. he has been participating in joy school with other kids in our neighborhood and loves it. he knows his letters, numbers, and colors. he loves playing video games with dad, and has quite the imagination. :) he wants to ride in a helicopter, but loves riding in the train as often as we can. 

family 

this year we had a lot of fun as a family, we had lagoon season passes, and took advantage of them as often as we could. :) with sam's jobs switching, we didn't really get a family vacation this year, but tara and hunter spent some time in colorado with tara's brother and his family. we have been been enjoying friends, and family, and just being together. we finished all of our adoption paperwork, and are now waiting to be chosen. we are hoping a new little one will join our family soon. :) we are so thankful to have you all in our lives, and we wish you the best this holiday season!

MeRrY ChRiStMaS to you, and a HaPpY nEw YeAr!!!

dismissing

"don't give up what you want MOST, 

for what you want NOW" 

i know someone who is struggling at the moment. 

she's wondering what to do with two options placed before her. 

one would bring her joy RIGHT NOW, 

and the other would bring her happiness for a long time. 

it's made me think. 

i can understand where she is coming from on this, and i don't envy her 

at all. 

and as much as i want to make a decision for her, and tell her what will be best for her. 

i can't. 

i have to let her choose, and learn on her own. 

and sometimes it sucks. 

but it makes me think about my own life. 

and this quote plays a BIG part in EVERYTHING in my life. 

i think i need to print it out big and hang it up in my house. 

and remember it every.single.day. 

because it's important.

adoption

well, it's finally happened. 

and i guess i better be able to keep this updated through this process so that i'm not stoned by not updating. 

we got a call last thursday that went like this: 

A: hey tara, how are you today?

me: doing well, how are you?

A: i'm doing great! and so you you! you guys have been approved. 

me: *crying* thank you SO much

we have been approved.

our adoption profile is active.

that's right. 

birthmothers can now see our profile when looking on itsaboutlove.org 

which means we can not be considered

which means we could get picked.

which means we could have a baby placed with us. 

i can' not tell you how excited i am for this. 

if you want to see it, feel free to check it out here.

and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

pass the information along. word of mouth is the absolute best thing possible.

best.thing.possible.

i guess i can detail what all we've been doing in this process. 

in october of 2010, we met with lds family services for an orientation to see if it was something we wanted to do (of course we did). we then got paperwork and started to fill it out. in march of 2011 we met with our caseworkers that were assigned to us. we started more paperwork. we have our individual interviews in june, and our homestudy in july. we needed insurance. we were waiting on sam's job to see what kind of insurance we could get. we tried getting individual insurance, but we were denied because we were considering adoption. they considered us an "expecting couple" and therefor had a pre-exsisting condition and they couldn't cover us. we attended the adoption conference in august, thinking that it wouldn't be long after that that we would have it. 

we waited. 

then we finally got insurance on december 1, and our paperwork was approved december 8th. 

december 8th. 

that's a day that stands out to us. 

december 8, 2006: i had our egg retrieval for an ivf round. we became pregnant that round, but lost it. 

 december 8, 2008: we found out that crystal had picked us to adopt bubba. 

december 8th is a good day. 

we're holding on to that. 

but anyway. i will try to keep  you updated with everything. 

i don't want to leave without a picture, so here's on of bubba. :)

i look into that face, and that's why we are doing this again. 

because of that face. 

so much love. 

hello

hello

my name is tara, and i'm awful at blogging.

my mother pointed out to me that it's been almost 2 months since i last blogged. 

i'm sorry. 

let's see. our christmas tree is up. it has beautiful colored lights on it that i find myself mesmerized by randomly. 

it has a santa hat on the top. 

why?

because we don't have a star or an angel, and the hat doesn't really fit bubba anymore. 

and he wanted it on the tree. 

don't hate.

bubba is sitting by my feet playing a game with sam on the playstation. 

and yes, my 3.5 year old plays nintendo games, and playstation games, and can kick my butt on some of them. 

we only let him play them a short period a day, and he usually has to play with his toys first or do a couple of chores around the house. 

again, don't hate. 

i have to admit. i came to my blog fully expecting to blog about how wonderful life is at the moment (don't get me wrong, it really is wonderful. we are happy, and SO thankful for everything we have)

but i'm not feeling it. 

i have no desire to blog at the moment. 

i'm struggling. and with what, i can't say. 

i wish i could understand other people's pain better. 

i wish i could put myself in other people's shoes better, and understand where they are coming from. 

and while i try to do that the best that i can. 

it's still a slap.

and i find myself wishing something different was happening. 

but anyway. on a different note.

i attended a graveside service for my friend. 

a type of graveside service that i never thought i would ever in this life, have to attend.

it was for 2 of her children. 

born into this world far.to.early. 

but nothing could be done. 

they were given a name and a blessing and lived an extremely very short time.

the graveside service was perfect. 

their children were perfect. 

the strength that I got from the father of those two perfect angels is something i can't explain.

it was a celebration of their very short life. 

about how perfect they were. 

and while sad, i found a kind of peace i hadn't felt in a long time. 

questions answered. 

spirit lifted.

i can't explain. 

i've tried to be there for them during this time, and find myself not only drawn closer to them, but to the Lord as well. so much that tears fall as i type this out.

but still, that is something that i would not wish on ANYONE. 

life is so precious. 

kiss your children and be thankful for them, 

and be thankful that you are not burying them.

because that just sucks.

this christmas will be 5 years since one of our miscarriages. 

last friday was 1 year since our last one. 

as much as i enjoy this time of year, there are still parts i hate. 

(bubba would stop me right there and say "we don't use hate in our house, we use.."really don't like"")

but this year i have a better understanding of them then i have had in the past. 

which is good.

and while i know further down the road i will go into another cycle of grief that i'm told i will constantly go through, right now i am ok with it. i have accepted it, and have tried to grow from it. 

our adoption paperwork should be going through for approval next week. 

that really makes me excited. it will be exciting to be out there, and knowing that SOMEONE can pick us to raise their child. i don't know how long it will take. it could take weeks, or months, or even years. but it's a wait we are willing to make. 

but then i lose control of the situation.

see..with infertility, we commonly don't have control. 

i talk to a lot of people who can control when they get pregnant. 

they say "i think we are going to try next month" and at the end of the next month i get the "we are pregnant!"

with fertility treatments, you don't have control over what your body does, will it respond to this med, or that one? will this treatment work or not? and then with adoption, once your name is out there, you can't control when you get picked or not. 

with the paperwork, you had control over when you did it, what you put, and everything. 

i'm about to lose that control again.

and normally i'm not a controlling person, really i'm not. but when i feel like i can't control ANYTHING anymore, i panic a little. 

but this is good. this is what we want. and sometimes, 

all we can do it pray. 

so we expect a lot of praying. 

and i'll try to let you know when we do actually get approved. :) 

wow...for not being motivated to blog, i made this kind of long. 

sorry about that. 

if you made it this far, congrats. :) 

and try to leave me a comment so i know i'm not crazy. :)

friday confessions

~ i really don't like the cold weather. i know during the summer i say that i would rather be cold than hot, because then you can keep putting layers on to get warm, you can only take so many layers off when you're hot. 

but really. i just don't like the cold. the shivering, the tight knots in my shoulders from shivering, the MANY layers i have to put on to go out and do a photoshoot..

and the lack of wearing flip-flops. 

because i am a flip-flop girl. 

seriously. 

but my toes can only take so much. 

this means i have to move to hawaii, where i can wear flip-flops all year round. 

~i get nervous in social situations. don't get me wrong, i love going out and hanging out with people. 

in fact just tonight, i went to a friends house to play pictionary with a bunch of other friends, and LOVED it. 

but i usually get nervous, and try to think of excuses to stay in my house, with my comforts.

~ bubba told me today that he "liked dad better". i know he's only 3, and doesn't think everything through, and everything. but i have to admit that it kind of stung. he's been a momma's boy for so long. 

sam on the other hand is loving it. 

punk. 

~sam got a new job. he started it this last week, and we couldn't be more excited. not only will this give us insurance so we can continue on with another adoption, but it is more stable, and will give him more skills in the field that he likes. 

we are very excited. 

~i have a list a mile long of things i want to make. 

have i touched it?

not really. 

i need to work on that. 

~some days, my heart hurts. usually no reason at all, and it's hard to explain. 

i know what causes it, and i wish i could make it go away. 

i wish i was stronger to make it go away. 

sometimes i think i need to accept that it is going to hurt and deal with it. but i usually push it away and make due. until so much of me hurts i can't focus. 

luckily that doesn't happen too often. 

but when it does. it hurts. 

~i'm ready for bed.

bear lake

sometimes, you just need to get away.

even if it's just for a day

a couple of weeks ago, we planned a trip to bear lake with some friends. we ended up with the choice of not going, or going alone. we decided that we needed a day away, so we went alone (well...after my sister begged to come along :))

so here are some images taken of just us.

enjoying a day away.

the last couple of images are from my FAVORITE place to eat. firehouse pizza. i was sad when they got rid of the one in centerville. now i can only enjoy it when i go up to cache valley. 

and yes, i am married to that man. 

he makes me smile. :)

i have to confess

~our adoption is at a standstill right now. just thought i'd let you know. we can't seem to get insurance from anywhere, and it's just beyond frustrating. but i am sure it is happening for a reason. 

i just don't know it. 

but i am surprised at how different this adoption process is from the last one. seriously. like night and day. with bubba, it was 3 months from when we started the paperwork, to when he was in our arms. of course, that was considered a designated adoption, so there were a lot of things we didn't have to do. with this one, we have been working on the paperwork part since march. 

dang. 

~where adoption has been the forefront of my mind, of course it seems like EVERYONE is expecting now. that or just delivered. within 2 weeks, i was told by 6 different people that they were expecting. and 4 others delivered. with a few more delivering here shortly. 

i can't help but wonder when it will be our turn.

or wonder what water they're drinking.

~yeah..that pretty much consumes my life right now. sad. 

~bubba is starting a joy school in the next few weeks. he's excited for it. he loves playing with other kids. and i think it will be good for him, and kind of prepare him for preschool next year. 

~my apartment is a disaster. seriously. looks like a tornado came through it. and i don't have time to clean it right now. i try to do the basic cleaning, but i haven't been able to deep clean it. after this season, it should calm down enough for me to clean it...right? 

let's hope so. 

~i am ecstatic for my photoshoots this fall. i have some amazing ones lined up, and i can't WAIT to do them! just you wait until you see them. :) 

~ok..enough for now. hope you all enjoy your weekend. :)

busy, busy

it has been crazy busy lately, and it is just going to get busier. 

but so far this summer, we are lucky to have been able to go the zoo, multiple parks, st. george, lagoon multiple times, fishing, gateway a few times, park city, logan a couple of times, and just been around.

so i apologize for not writing in this as often. 

and i apologize in advance that i might not be updating that often. 

but hopefully we can get into a routine. 

let's see what's going on with us. 

i just turned 28 yesterday. 

what? 28?

yeah. i can't believe it either. 

i swear i'm still 18. 

oh well. 

i ended up being sick for it, and so sam took care of me. he surprised me with a party at my parents house, where him and tanielle cooked me dinner. it was very delicious. (what i could taste. my senses are off with being sick, so i couldn't really taste anything.) and then sam surprised me with a wii. 

that's right. 

a wii, and bubba has been playing mario kart as often as he could today. 

silly boy. 

but i have to admit, he's getting better, and soon will be able to kick my trash at it. 

i guess we should invest in some kind of educational games as well.. 

we ended the day by chasing a lightning storm. oh yeah. 

bubba is learning and growing every day. he is talking more, and i can't understand him pretty well. he is the tallest boy in nursery, and loves playing with other kids. he will be starting a joy school this fall, which we are both excited about. it guarantees that he will get out and play with other kids at least once a week. he is very much looking forward to it. he knows all of his letters, but associates them with a word, and not the letter, so "h" is "hot", or "w" is "what's happening dude" (thank you letter factory)

he is trying to count, so we are focusing on that right now. 

he has shown a greater interest for reading, so we are reading a lot more books, and his favorite is "Green Eggs And Ham" and you can find him repeating it all.the.time. 

he loves fruits and meats, but isn't that picky of an eater, and he will try anything once. 

sam is still working in a contract position that we hope becomes permanent. but if it doesn't, it has at least got him experience in his field. he does a really good job at taking care of us when he's home, and supporting us. 

this last weekend, sam and i attended a national adoption conference here in layton. it was great, and very educational. it was our first time attending it, and we were able to make so many great friends, that have been through the same thing as us, so we instantly connected! it was great. and they had this banquet dinner, where i got to eat filet mignon. holy.snot. DELISH. 

oh, you didn't know? 

yes, we are trying to adopt again. we are in the final stages of our paperwork, and hope that our profile will go live here shortly! we are just waiting to hear back from a couple of things for our homestudy to be final. 

they say to start spreading the word that you are looking at adopting, because you just never know. 

and i can't argue, because that is how bubba came to be in our family! 

so, if you hear anything, or feel the need to pass our name along..

we would be more than thrilled. :) 

bubba took this of us. :)

photography is going great, fall is always my busy time, and this fall doesn't seem like it's going to be an exception. :) which i am more than thrilled for! i love all of my clients/friends, and am so blessed to be doing what i love! 

anyway, i hope this is an ok update, and i will try to update more!

love

love this little man

more than just about anything in this world. 

so lucky he's with me :)

friday confessions

i have been away from the blog for a while, because i tried to upload for a couple of days and it was.not.having.it. 

so i gave up for a bit. 

i decided that it was probably time that i tried again. 

i'm starting to get those messages from my mother, telling me i need to update my blog :)

~nothing like having your child get a black eye, to make you feel like a horrible mother. especially since it happened at night, in his sleep. i should have been able to prevent that some how, right? ah well. makes him look like a tough boy. 

~summer is going by way to fast. it is almost august, and i am not ready for september yet. well, technically, nothing will really change for us..but it's one month closer to winter. 

which i don't like. 

~i went to my high school 10 year reunion a couple of weeks ago. 

i don't like to admit that i graduated 10 years ago. it makes me feel old. 

i swore i'd never grow up. 

while it was good to see people i haven't seen in 10 years, and see how they are doing. i didn't really care for it. those that i want to stay in touch with, i do. either by blog stalking/facebook stalking/chatting/get together/ or emails. 

i don't know. maybe it's just cause i'm getting old :/ 

~i have started to go back to being a hermit. i would much rather stay in my house, in pajamas all day, then do anything outdoors. maybe it's because i don't really have a mode of transportation..but it just seems like too much work to get bubba and myself ready and walk places. 

maybe i'm just lazy. 

although it's a lot easier to be able to go out and do it with someone else. 

i need more friends. 

~sam and i have been married for 9 years now. 

i can't believe it. 

we are still very much in love with each other, even though i probably annoy the snot out of him a lot of times. 

like really bad. 

as in bite his head off sometimes bad. 

but he still loves me, and he's doing his best to take care of us. 

what more can i ask for? 

that's all i can think of right now. let's see if i can find some pictures to put up here...

bubba loves swimming. we went to st. george so i could photograph a wedding, and he spent every second he could in the pool. :)

love this sleeping boy

he WAS in time out...

friday, shmiday

let's see what we have today

~we went to lagoon twice this week, and it makes me feel like a kid again. love the rides, the swimming, and the just being with family. chris and tab, you would be SO proud of me, the last two times i've gone, my phone has stayed away. :) 

~i need to take more time for my family. i LOVE my business, but i need to find balance. this is something that i will be working on for the next couple of weeks, to see what i can do to bring balance back to my family (this includes making dinner more often i guess. but bubba is SO please with mac and cheese and chicken nuggets!)

~i ate a bowl full of spinach grown in our pots outside our front door. and we are starting to get green beans, and i am really very excited for them! 

~sam has about a month and a half before we find out if his job is permanent. he goes back and forth each day thinking that it's for sure, to thinking that he should start looking. i just wish that they would give them SOME notice, so we aren't suddenly without a job. :/ i really dislike the not knowing of it.

~i wish i were a writer. or someone who could eloquently put words together to bring true emotion into something that someone is reading. but alas. i really suck at writing. haha. i was once told by my third grade teacher i believe, that i needed to read the dictionary, because my vocabulary was awful. i'm beginning to think that she was right. oh, and if she were to read my blog, she would cringe, and tell me i need to work on capitalization. hmm. oh well. 

~some of my best ideas come while i'm showering. 

hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

update

my mom was giving me a hard time today about not updating my blog. 

yeah..i don't know why, maybe it's because i don't feel like i have anything interesting to share. 

i have the tab open across the top of my browser, i just don't ever think to click on it and update. 

ah well. 

confessions, shall we? 

~i'm getting older. i slept on a floor last night, and i couldn't move this morning. my shoulders and hips hurt so bad. 

i don't like this fact.

~i am working on being happier with myself, and not worry so much about everyone else. 

i'll let you know how it goes.

~we need more movies. i think i have worn out the ones that we have

~i am a photographer, and i only have a couple of pictures hanging up on my walls. sad i know. i think it's because i know i'm not going to be in this place long, so i don't want to get completely settled in and do stuff, unless i know i'm going to be there a while. so sad. 

~i want to go on a vacation with sam. just him and i for a couple of days. we haven't done that for 3 years. we have only been away from bubba 3 nights. and they were all separate, and we were only away for about 12 hours. i want an actual vacation away from everything. for at least 2 days. it would do wonders i think. 

all right, i want to go to bed. enjoy your night.

june confessions

confession time

~i stink at updating this blog. i know many of you will agree with me on this. i apologize. 

~i am having a hard time with friends. i guess i put in way too much effort with people to be their friends. and no effort is returned. makes me want to give up. i often feel like i don't really have friends, just acquaintances. but no one i can really call and talk to. i try to be there for others, and try to be a good friend. but somehow, i think i'm failing. 

~in discussing the above issue with sam, we started discussing "love languages". i always thought that my love language was "gifts" or "physical touch", but in our discussion, we decided that my love language is "words of affirmation". i thrive when i receive compliments, or praise. and in the friend issue above, i don't often get that, so i feel i am failing as a friend. 

i don't know, maybe it's all just in my head. 

~i am over complimentary. unfortunately, this leads to people thinking i'm fake. i love receiving words of praise, so naturally, i give lots of praise. i don't ever give a compliment that isn't deserved in one way or another. but people start to think that i don't mean what i say, and that i am just fake. 

not.so.

~i have been having so many dreams about babies, that it makes me sad. i hope that this adoption process takes a shorter amount of time, rather than a longer amount of time!

the.end.

love

all you need is
L.O.V.E.