Last Shooting Star

It's late, I wander aimlessly around
maybe if I go up there, I'll fall to the ground.

The stars are so bright, so true and so far,
I wonder what it would be like if I were a star.

I plead with the stars that I hold oh so dear,
please show me a sign, let me know you are near.

I please to the One to show me some light,
Cause that's what I need on this dark, chilly night.

I close my eyes, and whisper "please show me the way",
"Please give me the courage to live one more day"

I open my eyes, that are wet with my tears,
As He slowly tries to wipe away all of my fears.

"I'm scared, I'm lonely, am I doing what's right?"
And I hear the wind whisper late in the night.

I close my eyes with tears down my face,
"please give me the strength to finish this race."

I look up at the stars my constellation far,
just in time to see that last shooting star.

Right through the stars I was talking to,
I still don't understand what I'm supposed to do.

But that star, that last little string of hope,
Gave the strength, the courage that I need to cope

I sit out on my roof, late in the night,
Praying to him to show me the light.

Just when you think the finish line is too far,
Look up and He'll show you,
that last shooting star.

-Written by me in 2001

I found this poem while I was cleaning through some stuff today. How true it is today, as it was 9 years ago. I can't remember why I wrote it. But I am sure glad I did. :-)
Enjoy

more

ever feel like you can do so much better?

like you aren't the best version of yourself, or of what you can be?

or maybe just something is missing, but you can't figure out what it is to just complete you at that moment?

this is how i have felt today
just not all there

i feel like i could be so much better than what i am. there are SO many things that i could learn, and do, and apply, and accomplish.

but i don't know how to get there.

i could do so much more with bubba, with sam, for myself.
but how

i need to do more.

which is crazy when i come to think of what i already have going on in my life.
but i need to do more.

i need to learn more, apply myself more, make more of myself, i need to DO more

i need to give more kisses and hugs, i need to build more forts, i need to play more, i need to not care so much, i need to compliment more, i need to listen more, i need to be there, i need to cook more, i need to be more crafty, i need to read more, i need to snuggle more, i need to smile more, i need to judge less,
i need to love more.

i need to apply myself more. with my business, i don't feel like i am where i want to be as a photographer. i need to push myself more to get there, without losing myself along the way. i need to be me more. and not let everyone else control my life. i need to stand up for what i believe in more.

i need to be more grateful for what i have and not focus so much on what i don't.

i need to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and photographer

but sometimes, i just don't feel like enough


(this was taken yesterday morning. I sure love this little man)

Summer

I absolutely love summer. And my favorite parts of summer are from Memorial day to the 24th of July. I absolutely love all the family get togethers, the BBQ's, the holidays, festivities, fairs, rodeos, EVERYTHING! And this summer we are having FUN!

We started out with Memorial Day in California. We had a lot of fun! We had Father's day spent with my family. Steaks, yummy corn, salads. Ahhh. We will be spending the 4th of July here as well and attending all of Kaysville's fun activities! And then we will be off to Oregon for our AMAZING Crystal's wedding! We are oh so very excited for it.

Anyway, that's what's going on right now. We have been taking advantage of my aunts pool while she is out of town. We are going to have to keep this up when she comes back! (THANK YOU CATHY!!) And Bubba LOVES the water! We bought him (ok, Kaleigh bought him) some arm floaties, and then we bought him a noodle. He loves to try and swim! He always tells us to let go so he can float there and doggie paddle. My little boy is growing up!



His favorite phrase right now is "I wanna go home" whenever he is sad, upset, tired, bored, or doesn't get what he wants, he says "Ianna go home" It's so funny. :-)

I am very sore right now. I was stretching out on the floor and Bubba climbed up onto the couch and then jumped on my ribs. Needless to say, it kind of hurts to breathe, and move. So I'm sitting here trying to catch up on everything.

I hope you all have a great summer!

Feelings

Well, after being sick this week, I decided that I had better take a moment and update my blog. Because, I really am not supposed to let it drag on this long :-)

Sam has started a new job, and is doing well at it. It is a graveyard shift though, so it's been hard on our schedules. Remember all my Friday Night Confessions (I really should start those up again..) where I said I HATED being alone?
yeah
I'm alone each night.
Which I can't say has been easy. I am TERRIFIED of being alone. So, I usually end up staying up until Sunrise and then falling asleep. Kaleigh finally convinced me yesterday to do and stay the night with my family. Which I must say, really helped on me catching up on sleep. :-) But I still need a lot more, and as it nears 1 in the morning, I don't see it coming anytime soon...
maybe I should put House in

Bubba is doing well. He makes me smile every day. Although I admit that it is HARD being a parent. And some days, I want to run away and hide for a bit.
But he gives me a hug and a kiss
and somehow this all seems worth it. :-)

Here are some pictures that were taken clear back in JANUARY! So, they are 6 months old, and there is a HUGE difference between now and then. He's growing up too fast.

Yes, notice the THREE hats on his head? He likes hats..

The crab hat from Grandma and Grandpa

Playing in Great Grandma's bathtub. He sure liked that tub!








As for the feelings title of this post..
Do you ever get the feeling you should be doing something. But you can't seem to do it? That's something that I am experiencing right now. I keep getting the feeling that we need to put in our papers again, but we aren't ready in other ways yet. So I am hoping we can put in our papers soon.
And sooner than it is looking...
because I know better than to not listen to those feelings.

Blech

i HATE feeling sick
with a passion

i felt pretty good yesterday morning, and into the afternoon.
then my stomach started getting a little iffy
then i couldn't move without feeling sick
only catch,
i was at my parents house

i had to somehow get from there, to my place.
so i sucked it up, got in the car and headed home with sam and bubba
unfortunately i didn't make it all the way home

first time EVER (yes in almost 8 years of living with me) that sam has seen me lose my dinner

got in the house, and felt somewhat better (minus the shaky, numb hands, the aches..)
we tried to go to bed and i was up
all.night.long

miserable.

my body ached so bad i couldn't stay in one position for longer than a couple of minutes
i tossed and turned and tried to keep my belly calm

finally fell asleep about 7 this morning
bubba woke up at 9:30

thankfully my wonderful sister kaleigh came over and tried to help me. i couldn't get up, but i couldn't leave bubba to his own devices.
she fed him, she watched a movie with him (which we watched 5 times today, because i couldn't get up to change the movie...)
my fever went up to 102.

i was supposed to have a photoshoot tonight. i hate rescheduling. but i didn't have a choice.
kaleigh brought me a jamba juice to try and make me feel better.

i sent sam to the store with bubba just so i could lay here.

i'm bored out of my ever loving mind. but i hurt all over to do anything about it

this just sucks.

where's my meds

She did it!

That's right.

SHE DID IT!!


Kaleigh graduated High School

As we were sitting in there I couldn't help but remember what my graduation was like.

almost 10 years ago.

ACK!! Almost 10 years ago?! where has the time gone? and I can't believe she is graduating High School already.





But CONGRATULATIONS KALEIGH! I am OH SO VERY proud of you!! And I love you lots!!

Want to feel Stupid?

I'll tell you how you can feel stupid later on in my post.

Sam, Bubba and I went to California this last week. We left last Thursday heading down to Santaquin to stay with Aaron and Melanie. We got there about 7ish, and left about 4ish in the morning. Sam went to bed about midnight, and I...well, lets just say I didn't really head to bed...I had a couple of things I needed to tie up with my business before we headed out with no internet. And then Mell and I started watching Grey's Anatomy. And it has been decided. I NEED to watch that show from the very beginning. Every episode. Anyone game? Please let me know. :-)

We headed out at 4, and I slept...until we hit St. George. But it was a very restless sleep... we went to the store there in St. George, and got some things for the remainder of our trip. And took off. I slept again until about Vegas. We stopped in Vegas to get pictures of the Temple. That temple has GORGEOUS grounds to take pictures at!! Can I tell you how much I would LOVE to photograph a wedding there? Holy WOW.

We continued on and as we dropped into Death Valley (I was sleeping) I wasn't awake to unplug my ears. And I woke up with THE WORST PAIN in my head!! I seriously thought I was going to die. And have had a headache since in the same area of my head, I think it's because I still can't unplug my ears...
We made it into California about 4 in the afternoon. We hung out with family members, walked around property, and got ready for Saturday.

Saturday we had the funeral. Which was really amazing. It was good to see Grandma Winsor so peaceful, but yet, the smile was missing from her eyes. We had the viewing, the funeral, and then headed to the cemetery. This was the first time that I had seen Sam's grandpa's grave. As you stand there, you can feel the ocean air in the wind coming off of the ocean. It was so peaceful there. We then went back and visited again with more family.

Sunday, we attended church with Sam's aunt and uncle (who were SO VERY kind to let us stay with them our entire stay) and then headed to the beach with some of Sam's siblings and parents. We ended up going to Mission Beach, where parking was a NIGHTMARE. Seriously. But we finally found some and enjoyed some time on the beach. After that, Sam and I went with his brother to the actual beach and enjoyed the sunset. Seriously, breathtaking. I LOVED it.

Monday, we ended up watching Willie's kids while Willie and Melissa went to the Temple. This ended up taking up most of the day, but we were finally able to break away and go to the beach again. This time we went to La Jolla Cove with a couple of Sam's cousins and their families. This was a lot of fun, we were able to see the seals, and spend some more time just relaxing by the ocean. Thank you Christy for being such a wonderful hostess!

Tuesday morning we woke up and started heading home. I wanted to take pictures of the Temples down in that area, but the San Diego temple had scaffolding all over it. So we decided to try and go take pictures of the Los Angeles Temple. This ended up taking a lot longer than we originally thought it would, and ended up making it to Las Vegas at about sundown. So we stayed in Vegas for a night. We walked up and down the strip (Bubba fell asleep in our arms as we walked) went to bed, and woke up and finished our drive Wednesday. It was a long two days, but we have made it home, and have started trying to get back into our normal schedule.

Now for the stupidity part. While we were away, Bubba developed his fever rash on his chest and stomach. Which was then followed by him holding his throat and complaining, and then his nose running. We hurried home so that we could make it to a doctor's appointment to see if he had strep. Well, we made it to the doctor's, and go to show him the rash, and it's completely gone. Where as the night before it was so bad that it just covered his chest and back. So, the doctor just kind of looked at me saying that it was probably just a cold, and that he just needed time to get over it. But I felt so stupid because on the phone I made just a big deal out of his rash, and we get there and it's gone. Ugh. Oh well.

So that about sums up our last week. Hopefully I will be able to post pictures soon...