Tomorrow

Well, time has snuck up on us, and it's here.

Tomorrow is the big day. I head into the hospital in the morning, and the goal is to be returning tomorrow evening.

That's the goal.

I've been informed that I could be in the hospital for up to 4 days depending on how everything goes. So I guess we will see.

I am feeling nervous. A little scared, but mostly nervous. And the thing that makes me the most nervous is feeling sick after waking up. I REALLY don't want to throw up. Haha. I would much rather take the pain over the nausea.

So I guess I will report back when it's done.  Prayers and good wishes would be great. :)

2 Weeks To Go...

2 weeks left until surgery.

I've been doing WAY to much research (and by research I mean google and Facebook groups being the main source..) on what's involved in this surgery.

Did you know that it's like 3 major surgeries in 1? Crazy! They will be taking out 4-6 organs. That just sounds intense to me.

But then days like today (cramping from my PCOS and Endo acting up) make me REALLY wish I didn't have to wait another 2 weeks for this! I can't wait to not be dealing with the pain every day from it all. I can't wait to not have to worry about going out at any point in time. I can't wait to get part of my life back.

Then, I'm not ready to lose that hope I've been holding on to for the last 14+ years of bearing children.

Definitely a fight between heart and brain. :/

Closing Doors

Closing doors.

I have gone back and forth and back and forth on posting this. I've re-written it several times and I'm still not sure about making it public and sharing my story. I know there aren't a lot of people who still read my blog, so I'll slowly start to share a little here. :)

It's about time. If I'm not lying to myself. My poor body has been through enough with fertility treatments, miscarriages, PCOS, Endometriosis, and everything that comes with it each month. But for some reason, that doesn't make it any easier.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we need to just take it all out"

That's what I heard at my last annual OB/GYN appointment. I knew it was coming. But I still held back the tears.

A Hysterectomy. It just seems so.....final. Which it is. They can't exactly put another uterus and everything back in whenever I want.

We've tried for 14+ years to get pregnant. From medicated cycles (over 24 months of clomid) to IUI's (10+ including a couple with Donor Sperm) to IVF (3 cycles). We've had 6 miscarriages and countless negative pregnancy tests. 2 surgeries for Endometriosis, HSG tests, and more doctors seeing my who-ha than I care to admit.  And over the years, everything has just become worse.

So it's time. Eviction notice has been posted for the week between Christmas and New Years.

And while part of me is relieved. Part of me is heartbroken. I've worked so hard to hold on to hope for the last 14+ years, and now it's going to be snuffed out. All hope for carrying a child will be disappearing with my uterus. And that's kind of a sad pill to swallow.

I hope to be posting more on here with my thoughts leading up to surgery, and also the recovery. Because if it helps ONE person, it's worth sharing.

But it's ok. I will be ok. My dream was to be a mother. Which I am. I have 2 beautiful boys who call me mom, and foster children that I get to love on as long as they are here. My dream was just answered a little differently.

And as they always say, when 1 door closes, another one opens. So here's to more open doors, and seeing what life has in store for us.

Surgery

So, back in February I had surgery for endometriosis. 

The surgery wasn't bad, and I've healed just fine from it. I think the hardest part was the part leading up to surgery. 

Well, here we go again. Only this anxiety is 100 times worse. Why? Because it's for one of my kids. 

I know how I will react to surgery. I don't know how they will. And the thought of them being in pain kills me. But the knowledge that it will help. That it will make his life easier and better is the driving force. 

Little Man has had strep throat 4 times since Christmas, RSV and was just diagnosed yesterday with a double ear infection. He has been constantly sick for the last year almost. He throws up when he cries, when he gags, or whenever something bothers his throat. He wakes up in the night gagging, and not being able to breathe.  We finally got a referral to an ENT at Primary Children's Hospital. We met with him, where they looked in his throat and nose and said that his tonsils are a 3-4 (when NOT sick) out of a scale of 1-4 (with 4 being they are big and they touch) Apparently when he's sick or when he coughs, his tonsils touch in back. He also said he would bet that his adenoids are huge, which is part of why he constantly has a runny nose, and why he breathes through his mouth. 

Surgery was recommended. Take out his tonsils and adenoids. 

So, surgery was scheduled for the end of this month. 3 weeks away. Well, they called and rescheduled with us so Surgery is next Monday. A week away. 

I know it's the right thing to do for him, but it scares the crap out of me. I know Primary's is the best place to have it done, and they will be keeping us over for at least one night to keep an eye on him and make sure that he does ok. So that's reassuring, but I still am not a fan. 

But here is to sleeping at night, not getting sick, being able to breathe normally, and hopefully not gagging on everything :) 

New Family Photos

We LOVE the blossoms that appear around Utah in the spring!! We decided last minute that we would take advantage of them and get our family photos done in them this year. :) Here are some of our favorites!! A HUGE thanks to Marie Long with Marie Long Photography up in Davis County!

We hope you are enjoying this rainy, spring day. :) 

Want to build a...snowman?

We've been fortunate (eye roll) to have more snow this year than we've had the last couple of years. While it's beautiful and beneficial in building up our water supply for the summer, I would rather it stay in the mountains so I don't have to drive in it. 😳 

But alas, it makes it way down here and covers our lawn with a beautiful layer of white. Bubba always gets so excited about the snow. Yesterday, as soon as he got home from school he dressed up warm, so that as soon as Sam came home from work, they could go play. We got Little Man ready (he looked like a marshmallow, haha!) and off they went. 

They were going to build a snowman, but ended up building a Tuscan raider instead. Haha. At least they had fun. 😆 

On Christmas, Santa had brought both boys a goldfish. They were so excited. Bubba picked out which fish was his, and a week later, it was dead. SOOO, off we went and bought him a new fish. This one was a pleco. Again, he was so excited! And here we are, 3 days later and his fish is dead again. Little Man's fish must be a bully. 😕

Disneyland Day 1

I want to make sure I document this since this was one of the highlights of our year last year! 

In April, I had the honor of photographing a wedding in California. It was close to Los Angeles and not far from Disneyland! So, I took my sister Tanielle, and Bubba and we surprised Bubba with a few days in Disneyland. <3 nbsp="" p="">

We luckily have AMAZING friends who were able to help us with tickets. So I'm going to try and break it down into a couple of days at a time. :) 

The first day was a Thursday and we drove part of the way to Las Vegas. We made a stop in St George for these amazing cookies. Swig cookies are seriously heaven on earth. Ha! 

We ate our cookies walking around the gorgeous St George Temple grounds. It was nice and warm! 

Vegas Baby! 

We woke up Friday and drove the rest of the way to California. We stayed in a hotel less than 5 minutes away from Disneyland, but we decided to hit the beach first! On our way to Newport Beach. 

We saw this seal and we thought it was dead. We came back by, and it was moving all around. Bubba thought that was so cool. He STILL had no idea that we were going to Disneyland.

We loved the beach. :) 

Saturday I spend the day photographing a wedding and had an amazing time! The wedding was gorgeous and I loved spending time with my bride and groom! Came back and ordered pizza and ate it late into the night. I could barely sleep I was so excited to surprise Bubba! 

Sunday we went and saw the Newport Beach Temple, and we spend more time at a beach. We went and saw tide pools and looked for shells. 

We finally went back and were RIGHT across the street from California Adventure and he STILL didn't know. We were waiting to meet up with Patty and Brian who spent time with us the next few days. 

We checked into the hotel and he kept point out little things about it being Disney themed (We stayed in one of the Disney Hotels) When I finally surprised him with the tickets, he giggled and was so happy and wanted to head right over! So, off we went! 

That smile made it completely worth it. :) 

Tanielle is having so much fun! 

A Bugs Life ride. He loved it. 

One last ride before we head back to the hotel. 

Tomorrow I will post about the rest of the trip. Gosh, this makes me want to go back! Who wants to go with me?

Doctors

Today was a day spent at doctor offices. 

Back story, over a year and a half ago, Bubba started complaining about stomach pains. We chalked it up to indigestion or something like that. Well, back in February of 2015, it was hurting him so bad he couldn't stand up, and was throwing up. We saw a doctor out here. After a buttload of blood tests, He recommended seeing a gastroenterologist up at Primary Children's.  We called to set an appt with them, but couldn't get in for MONTHS. But we needed help now! Bubba was hurting so bad. So we headed up to Primary Children's ER. We spent a few hours doig tests, and everything came back fine. They couldn't find anything. So back to waiting for his appointment. 

Well, his appointment was this morning and we are so excited to finally be getting some answers. 

His doctor was fantastic and really listened and talked to bubba to figure things out. He's been diagnosed with Dyspepsia (too much stomach acid) and we are treating it for the next 4-6 weeks. If it doesn't help, we will look at other options, but it's so nice to finally have a game plan! 

After that, we ventured up and check in on my mom who had her gall bladder taken out yesterday. Luckily she is recovering ok, although she still has some pain. 

Then off to my doctor to check on a cyst that had been nothing me. Turns out I need some more testing, and that will be done over the next few days. 

I am done with sicknesses and tests. Being poked and prodded aren't my favorite things in the world (I'd rate it right up there with eating bugs or something similar...) but I'm thankful for modern medicine to help us understand and help our bodies. Here's to a healthier 2016. :) 

Ice Skating and Life Lessons

We surprised the boys with ice skating on Saturday. 

First time in our married life that we have ever gone ice skating. 

Bubba was excited. Little man threw a fit when we tried to put skates on (he didn't want to sit still) and we seriously started to wonder if we should just quit. 

We stuck through it, and ended up on the ice. Sam took off with little man, and bubba looked nervous. We took a step out on the ice and bubba.came.unglued. 

We worked our way to the outside edge where there was padding he could hold on to and proceeded to work our way around the track. In tears. Bawling, death grip on the mats and yelling at me that he wanted to go home. 

We were so excited to go and now seriously regretting it. After 20 minutes and barely making it 1/4 way around the track, he held on to me and I asked what he was scared of. 

"Falling" said through tear stained cheeks. 

After a LOT of encouragement, holding and pushing. He fell. 

I got down by him and asked. "Did it hurt?" 

And he looked up at me surprised. "No! It didn't hurt at all" 

And then the game changed. We couldn't keep him off of the ice! 

He kept trying to do tricks and skate faster. 

3 hours later, we left with sore feet and smiles on our faces. 

"Mom, that was the best day EVER!!" 

What a lesson to learn! What is holding us back? We all have dreams. There are so many things that I want to accomplish. What's stopping me? Fear of falling. 

But take that leap, and fall flat on your butt. See that it's not as scary as you thought, and then....

Fly.