breathing

have you checked the calendar today? 

did you see that it's december 1st? 

did you cry a little, and then climb back into bed wishing that it was, say..august again? 

i did. 

i don't like that this year has gone by WAY too fast! i don't like the fact that my little will be 3 in just a few short months. i don't like that christmas is in 25 days, and i really have nothing for it. 

and i really don't like the cold. 

and i realize that really, none of those statements really made any sense together. but oh well. 

i know that a lot of you don't know what the next part of this post means. and i might have it in me to expound on it at a future date. but right now, i can only post what i'm feeling. 

it's been a week. 

i'm finding myself having to force myself to keep going. 

a week ago, my world started to slip between my fingers yet again. 

i bawled.  i was mad. i prayed.

i pasted a smile to my face, and tried to live.

it was thanksgiving after all. it was supposed to be a happy time. but while everyone else was laughing and telling stories and jokes,

i wanted to crawl into bed, and stay there. 

i spent many minutes staring out the car window as we drove from place to place.

i'm sure, in fact i KNOW that sam was worried.

i pretended that life was great when around people.

but he saw the ugly side of me. 

the side that showed hurt, and pain, and tears. 

and he was there for me.

i was falling apart inside. 

it was a rough few days.

really.rough.

and here i am about a week later. 

still trying to breathe. 

still fighting off the tears that come daily.

life isn't so much falling apart anymore

i admit, i still want to stay in bed most days. 

but stick with just staying in my pajamas.

i pray. 

 a.lot. 

there has to be a reason. 

even if i don't know it yet. 

and i will get through it. 

life will go on. 

and i'll be ok. 

but in the meantime, i will focus on 2 major things in my life

my little family 

and breathing.