Infertility

So, our class last night was sharing our struggles with infertility. It was a very good class, and I learned a lot about myself, and others. It was a great class, and a learning experience for both of us. Not only did I get to reach down into myself and realize my feelings, but it also opened it up so Sam could kind of understand what I have been going through. It's been hard. The ups, the downs, and the middle ground. You think that you are ok with everything, and in the blink of an eye, you are devestated again.
It was compared to the loss of a child. Only, no one really grieves with those that are infertle, because it is an invisible pain. We have lost our chance at bearing children. Therefore, we have lost something.
I have had an especially hard time with it in our church. I was raised to be a mother. All through Young Womens, and everything, we were taught to be mothers. I wanted to be a mother. When people would ask me what I was going to do with my life, it was always "I'm going to be a mother" I had no other plans in there. We made promises to multiply and replenish the earth. But I failed at it. I can't do it. Therefore, something must be wrong with me spiritually. I would go to Relief Society, and be looked down on for not having children. It was really hard. And to lose the one thing that I grew up wanting, was a blow. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who I was. If I can't be a mother....who am I? What can I be? What am I going to do with my life?
But I have learned. That through His atonement, He has felt every single pain I have felt. He has cried every single tear I have cried. He know's what I am going through, and He cries with me. It has taken a long time to realize this, but I have.
Sam and I have been through a lot. We have done multiple infertility treatments, all ending with devestating results. I would sit and wish the doctor's wouldn't sugar coat it and make me have hope. And every month, I would have hope. Until recently. I stopped having hope. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to think about it. I felt like I had failed Sam, and couldn't give him what he wanted most, what he deserved to have. Children. But we have a stronger marriage because of it. We have been through some downs that a lot of people won't have to go through. We have stuck together, and made it through. And we have gained a lot of things.
Hope. As we close this chapter of our lives for now, we have hope as we open another one. We have started on the adoption road, and we have been filled with hope. A hope for what tomorrow will bring. We have also gained a lot of faith. To trust in Him and His plan. We are so filled with peace, and love that it is amazing.
Anyway, these are some thoughts that I have thought over in my head from our class last night. And I thought that I would just portray it here. I am sorry that they are just kind of jumbled thoughts. I am not very good at eloquently putting things. I will try to keep you guys updated also. Until next time!