Sam and Tara

crazy

2012-01-23T12:35:00.000-08:00

i've been reading through the last few posts on my blog, and i've decided something.

i.sound.crazy.

i promise i'm not.

well...to a certain degree.

but i think that everyone has SOME sort of craziness to them. that's what makes each of us unique.

so i'm going to try to be better. haha.

less crazy.

this last weekend, i photographed something i have never photographed before.

i won't go into it here, as it isn't necessarily mine to share.

but i believe it changed something in me.

it was hard to photograph, and it made me really think about what i believe in.

oh how simple and sweet is my belief.

i respect those who believe differently then i.

as we wait for a new little to join our sweet little family, i can't help but think that this is how it is supposed to be.

God has a plan.

i know that He is mindful of me.

He hears my never ending prayers asking for comfort, peace, and love.

i know that even though i am BEGGING for an answer or for something to go a certain way, that He is listening and thinking :

"my dear child, i hear your pleas"

and even when i get discouraged, i know He has not left me.

He is always there.

oh what a blessing!!

He has helped me calm a lot of my "crazy" lately.

thankfully, or i'm sure sam would be at his wits end by now.

dang, how i love that man.

i am SO thankful for my knowledge in my belief.

and every time i look into these little eyes, it reaffirms that my life is where it is supposed to be right now.

so we will continue to pray, and to love, and just...be. :)

HE knows ME.

how my mind works

2012-01-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

a few weeks ago, i took a week off of facebook.

shocking, i know.

it was quite liberating. i was able to get more done around my house, spend more time with bubba, and focus more on my little family.

WHY can i not remember that?

this is a conversation that i had with sam last night:

sam: you sure spend a lot of time on your phone. you should spend more time with us. sitting by me, but being on your phone, isn't really spending time with me.

me: yeah i know. i'm sorry.

sam: what are you even doing on it?

me: i don't know. facebook, instagram, pinterest, the news, email, words with friends, and if i'm not doing those, i'm playing some kind of game on it.

sam: why don't you just put it down?

me: i can't

sam: why?

me: because if i put my phone down, then my mind starts working, and then i get anxious, and panicky. when i'm doing stuff on my phone, i don't have to think about what I have to do, so it calms me.

(proof, i was in the shower during this discussion, and my phone wasn't 3 feet away from me, and i felt like i had to get out and check things)

sam:.....

me: (sighing heavily.) i just need to get organized and actually do things on my list so i don't have to do that anymore huh.

sam: yeah, probably.

i get anxious when i think.

i over-analyze e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. that comes into my mind.

i always worry about what everyone else is doing, and thinking, and talking about.

and i'm never satisfied with what's going on RIGHT now.

i have a million projects going at any given time, and will always give myself more.

i need to stop.

and i will confess...while writing this post, i have gone back and forth to 3 different web pages because i can't focus on one thing long enough.

and like most of my posts, i don't remember where i was going with this. haha.

anyone have any ideas on things that can calm my mind and help me focus? i could accomplish SO much more if i could just focus.

please.

pretty please.

anyway.

that's a look into my mind.

hope you enjoyed the trip. :)

and i hope you enjoyed some photos of a little boy who keeps me sane. :)

babies don't keep

2012-01-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
she's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

oh, i've grown shiftless as little boy blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
the shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing kanga and this is my roo.

look! aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

the cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as i've learned to my sorrow.
so quiet down, cobwebs. dust go to sleep.
i'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

this poem kept going through my mind last night, as i chose to sleep in bed with my little, until he was in a deep enough sleep that i could slip out and go to my own.

and again today, as i spent 1.5 hours reading to him, book after book after book. and i didn't care.

i don't get him like this forever.

he's going to grow older. and i want him to remember the good times.

so i've decided.

my house can be clean...later.

my hair can be done up...later.

dishes can be done...later.

work can be done...later.

i can be found rocking my baby.

for babies don't keep.

sick

2012-01-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

i really really dislike sickness.

sam has had an ongoing sinus infection, and just as it gets better, he gets it again.

it's driving me nuts.

our little family is usually a "cold" family.

we get a lot of colds.

bubba is known to get probably 6-7 colds through the year.

we get used to it.

but flu?

luckily, it's passed us by for the last 3 years.

the only other time bubba was up throwing up, was when he had RSV and therefor coughed himself sick.

until last night.

oh my poor little.

nothing is quite as sad as a little boy calling out in the dark

"mommie?! momma? i scared!"

i was up the rest of the night with him, making sure he was comfortable, making sure he could sleep, and making sure there was a bowl in front of him when he needed it.

because if i had to clean up vomit, i might.just.die.

(give me credit, i grabbed all his bedding and shoved it into the washer as fast as i could)

he snuggled his little warm body up next to me, tossed, turned, and was sick all night.

i do not like sickness.

and now he is playing, although not as hard as he usually does, and he takes many breaks to just lay down.

we are trying to keep food in his stomach, (we've been successful with some dry cereal, and some peaches, and water) and just let him be as comfortable as possible.

because being sick is NO fun.

at all.

merry christmas 2011

2011-12-24T10:46:00.000-08:00

merry christmas to you from us. :)

too read our yearly update, please read below the pictures.

sam

sam is still in the elder's quorum presidency in our ward, and enjoys the calling very much. he's had his hands full in the job department this year, we were lucky enough to get hired on at Well's Fargo, where he has been lucky enough to get his series 7 test (passed! yay!) and will take his series 63 this next week. he's been doing his best to take care of us, and make sure that we have the things that we need. he's been working hard. he still enjoys playing sports whenever he can. and he loves playing games with bubba.

tara

tara has been a primary teacher all year, and loves the sunbeams that she has taught this year. she had a scare in april that put her in the hospital. she ended up with appendicitis, and had an emergency appendectomy. she's recovered fine, and doesn't miss it. :) she is still doing photography, and was able to get a new camera this year. she has enjoyed it very much. she is doing amazing at it, and always tries to get better. she has been an amazing mom, and takes care of bubba every day.

bubba

bubba enjoyed his last year in nursery this year, and will be joining the sunbeams next week. bubba has been enjoying his first year of schooling this year. he has been participating in joy school with other kids in our neighborhood and loves it. he knows his letters, numbers, and colors. he loves playing video games with dad, and has quite the imagination. :) he wants to ride in a helicopter, but loves riding in the train as often as we can.

family

this year we had a lot of fun as a family, we had lagoon season passes, and took advantage of them as often as we could. :) with sam's jobs switching, we didn't really get a family vacation this year, but tara and hunter spent some time in colorado with tara's brother and his family. we have been been enjoying friends, and family, and just being together. we finished all of our adoption paperwork, and are now waiting to be chosen. we are hoping a new little one will join our family soon. :) we are so thankful to have you all in our lives, and we wish you the best this holiday season!

MeRrY ChRiStMaS to you, and a HaPpY nEw YeAr!!!

dismissing

2011-12-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

"don't give up what you want MOST,

for what you want NOW"

i know someone who is struggling at the moment.

she's wondering what to do with two options placed before her.

one would bring her joy RIGHT NOW,

and the other would bring her happiness for a long time.

it's made me think.

i can understand where she is coming from on this, and i don't envy her

at all.

and as much as i want to make a decision for her, and tell her what will be best for her.

i can't.

i have to let her choose, and learn on her own.

and sometimes it sucks.

but it makes me think about my own life.

and this quote plays a BIG part in EVERYTHING in my life.

i think i need to print it out big and hang it up in my house.

and remember it every.single.day.

because it's important.

adoption

2011-12-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

well, it's finally happened.

and i guess i better be able to keep this updated through this process so that i'm not stoned by not updating.

we got a call last thursday that went like this:

A: hey tara, how are you today?

me: doing well, how are you?

A: i'm doing great! and so you you! you guys have been approved.

me: *crying* thank you SO much

we have been approved.

our adoption profile is active.

that's right.

birthmothers can now see our profile when looking on itsaboutlove.org

which means we can not be considered

which means we could get picked.

which means we could have a baby placed with us.

i can' not tell you how excited i am for this.

if you want to see it, feel free to check it out here.

and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

pass the information along. word of mouth is the absolute best thing possible.

best.thing.possible.

i guess i can detail what all we've been doing in this process.

in october of 2010, we met with lds family services for an orientation to see if it was something we wanted to do (of course we did). we then got paperwork and started to fill it out. in march of 2011 we met with our caseworkers that were assigned to us. we started more paperwork. we have our individual interviews in june, and our homestudy in july. we needed insurance. we were waiting on sam's job to see what kind of insurance we could get. we tried getting individual insurance, but we were denied because we were considering adoption. they considered us an "expecting couple" and therefor had a pre-exsisting condition and they couldn't cover us. we attended the adoption conference in august, thinking that it wouldn't be long after that that we would have it.

we waited.

then we finally got insurance on december 1, and our paperwork was approved december 8th.

december 8th.

that's a day that stands out to us.

december 8, 2006: i had our egg retrieval for an ivf round. we became pregnant that round, but lost it.

december 8, 2008: we found out that crystal had picked us to adopt bubba.

december 8th is a good day.

we're holding on to that.

but anyway. i will try to keep you updated with everything.

i don't want to leave without a picture, so here's on of bubba. :)

i look into that face, and that's why we are doing this again.

because of that face.

so much love.

hello

2011-12-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

hello

my name is tara, and i'm awful at blogging.

my mother pointed out to me that it's been almost 2 months since i last blogged.

i'm sorry.

let's see. our christmas tree is up. it has beautiful colored lights on it that i find myself mesmerized by randomly.

it has a santa hat on the top.

why?

because we don't have a star or an angel, and the hat doesn't really fit bubba anymore.

and he wanted it on the tree.

don't hate.

bubba is sitting by my feet playing a game with sam on the playstation.

and yes, my 3.5 year old plays nintendo games, and playstation games, and can kick my butt on some of them.

we only let him play them a short period a day, and he usually has to play with his toys first or do a couple of chores around the house.

again, don't hate.

i have to admit. i came to my blog fully expecting to blog about how wonderful life is at the moment (don't get me wrong, it really is wonderful. we are happy, and SO thankful for everything we have)

but i'm not feeling it.

i have no desire to blog at the moment.

i'm struggling. and with what, i can't say.

i wish i could understand other people's pain better.

i wish i could put myself in other people's shoes better, and understand where they are coming from.

and while i try to do that the best that i can.

it's still a slap.

and i find myself wishing something different was happening.

but anyway. on a different note.

i attended a graveside service for my friend.

a type of graveside service that i never thought i would ever in this life, have to attend.

it was for 2 of her children.

born into this world far.to.early.

but nothing could be done.

they were given a name and a blessing and lived an extremely very short time.

the graveside service was perfect.

their children were perfect.

the strength that I got from the father of those two perfect angels is something i can't explain.

it was a celebration of their very short life.

about how perfect they were.

and while sad, i found a kind of peace i hadn't felt in a long time.

questions answered.

spirit lifted.

i can't explain.

i've tried to be there for them during this time, and find myself not only drawn closer to them, but to the Lord as well. so much that tears fall as i type this out.

but still, that is something that i would not wish on ANYONE.

life is so precious.

kiss your children and be thankful for them,

and be thankful that you are not burying them.

because that just sucks.

this christmas will be 5 years since one of our miscarriages.

last friday was 1 year since our last one.

as much as i enjoy this time of year, there are still parts i hate.

(bubba would stop me right there and say "we don't use hate in our house, we use.."really don't like"")

but this year i have a better understanding of them then i have had in the past.

which is good.

and while i know further down the road i will go into another cycle of grief that i'm told i will constantly go through, right now i am ok with it. i have accepted it, and have tried to grow from it.

our adoption paperwork should be going through for approval next week.

that really makes me excited. it will be exciting to be out there, and knowing that SOMEONE can pick us to raise their child. i don't know how long it will take. it could take weeks, or months, or even years. but it's a wait we are willing to make.

but then i lose control of the situation.

see..with infertility, we commonly don't have control.

i talk to a lot of people who can control when they get pregnant.

they say "i think we are going to try next month" and at the end of the next month i get the "we are pregnant!"

with fertility treatments, you don't have control over what your body does, will it respond to this med, or that one? will this treatment work or not? and then with adoption, once your name is out there, you can't control when you get picked or not.

with the paperwork, you had control over when you did it, what you put, and everything.

i'm about to lose that control again.

and normally i'm not a controlling person, really i'm not. but when i feel like i can't control ANYTHING anymore, i panic a little.

but this is good. this is what we want. and sometimes,

all we can do it pray.

so we expect a lot of praying.

and i'll try to let you know when we do actually get approved. :)

wow...for not being motivated to blog, i made this kind of long.

sorry about that.

if you made it this far, congrats. :)

and try to leave me a comment so i know i'm not crazy. :)

friday confessions

2011-10-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

~ i really don't like the cold weather. i know during the summer i say that i would rather be cold than hot, because then you can keep putting layers on to get warm, you can only take so many layers off when you're hot.

but really. i just don't like the cold. the shivering, the tight knots in my shoulders from shivering, the MANY layers i have to put on to go out and do a photoshoot..

and the lack of wearing flip-flops.

because i am a flip-flop girl.

seriously.

but my toes can only take so much.

this means i have to move to hawaii, where i can wear flip-flops all year round.

~i get nervous in social situations. don't get me wrong, i love going out and hanging out with people.

in fact just tonight, i went to a friends house to play pictionary with a bunch of other friends, and LOVED it.

but i usually get nervous, and try to think of excuses to stay in my house, with my comforts.

~ bubba told me today that he "liked dad better". i know he's only 3, and doesn't think everything through, and everything. but i have to admit that it kind of stung. he's been a momma's boy for so long.

sam on the other hand is loving it.

punk.

~sam got a new job. he started it this last week, and we couldn't be more excited. not only will this give us insurance so we can continue on with another adoption, but it is more stable, and will give him more skills in the field that he likes.

we are very excited.

~i have a list a mile long of things i want to make.

have i touched it?

not really.

i need to work on that.

~some days, my heart hurts. usually no reason at all, and it's hard to explain.

i know what causes it, and i wish i could make it go away.

i wish i was stronger to make it go away.

sometimes i think i need to accept that it is going to hurt and deal with it. but i usually push it away and make due. until so much of me hurts i can't focus.

luckily that doesn't happen too often.

but when it does. it hurts.

~i'm ready for bed.

bear lake

2011-09-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes, you just need to get away.

even if it's just for a day

a couple of weeks ago, we planned a trip to bear lake with some friends. we ended up with the choice of not going, or going alone. we decided that we needed a day away, so we went alone (well...after my sister begged to come along :))

so here are some images taken of just us.

enjoying a day away.

the last couple of images are from my FAVORITE place to eat. firehouse pizza. i was sad when they got rid of the one in centerville. now i can only enjoy it when i go up to cache valley.

and yes, i am married to that man.

he makes me smile. :)

i have to confess

2011-08-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

~our adoption is at a standstill right now. just thought i'd let you know. we can't seem to get insurance from anywhere, and it's just beyond frustrating. but i am sure it is happening for a reason.

i just don't know it.

but i am surprised at how different this adoption process is from the last one. seriously. like night and day. with bubba, it was 3 months from when we started the paperwork, to when he was in our arms. of course, that was considered a designated adoption, so there were a lot of things we didn't have to do. with this one, we have been working on the paperwork part since march.

dang.

~where adoption has been the forefront of my mind, of course it seems like EVERYONE is expecting now. that or just delivered. within 2 weeks, i was told by 6 different people that they were expecting. and 4 others delivered. with a few more delivering here shortly.

i can't help but wonder when it will be our turn.

or wonder what water they're drinking.

~yeah..that pretty much consumes my life right now. sad.

~bubba is starting a joy school in the next few weeks. he's excited for it. he loves playing with other kids. and i think it will be good for him, and kind of prepare him for preschool next year.

~my apartment is a disaster. seriously. looks like a tornado came through it. and i don't have time to clean it right now. i try to do the basic cleaning, but i haven't been able to deep clean it. after this season, it should calm down enough for me to clean it...right?

let's hope so.

~i am ecstatic for my photoshoots this fall. i have some amazing ones lined up, and i can't WAIT to do them! just you wait until you see them. :)

~ok..enough for now. hope you all enjoy your weekend. :)

busy, busy

2011-08-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

it has been crazy busy lately, and it is just going to get busier.

but so far this summer, we are lucky to have been able to go the zoo, multiple parks, st. george, lagoon multiple times, fishing, gateway a few times, park city, logan a couple of times, and just been around.

so i apologize for not writing in this as often.

and i apologize in advance that i might not be updating that often.

but hopefully we can get into a routine.

let's see what's going on with us.

i just turned 28 yesterday.

what? 28?

yeah. i can't believe it either.

i swear i'm still 18.

oh well.

i ended up being sick for it, and so sam took care of me. he surprised me with a party at my parents house, where him and tanielle cooked me dinner. it was very delicious. (what i could taste. my senses are off with being sick, so i couldn't really taste anything.) and then sam surprised me with a wii.

that's right.

a wii, and bubba has been playing mario kart as often as he could today.

silly boy.

but i have to admit, he's getting better, and soon will be able to kick my trash at it.

i guess we should invest in some kind of educational games as well..

we ended the day by chasing a lightning storm. oh yeah.

bubba is learning and growing every day. he is talking more, and i can't understand him pretty well. he is the tallest boy in nursery, and loves playing with other kids. he will be starting a joy school this fall, which we are both excited about. it guarantees that he will get out and play with other kids at least once a week. he is very much looking forward to it. he knows all of his letters, but associates them with a word, and not the letter, so "h" is "hot", or "w" is "what's happening dude" (thank you letter factory)

he is trying to count, so we are focusing on that right now.

he has shown a greater interest for reading, so we are reading a lot more books, and his favorite is "Green Eggs And Ham" and you can find him repeating it all.the.time.

he loves fruits and meats, but isn't that picky of an eater, and he will try anything once.

sam is still working in a contract position that we hope becomes permanent. but if it doesn't, it has at least got him experience in his field. he does a really good job at taking care of us when he's home, and supporting us.

this last weekend, sam and i attended a national adoption conference here in layton. it was great, and very educational. it was our first time attending it, and we were able to make so many great friends, that have been through the same thing as us, so we instantly connected! it was great. and they had this banquet dinner, where i got to eat filet mignon. holy.snot. DELISH.

oh, you didn't know?

yes, we are trying to adopt again. we are in the final stages of our paperwork, and hope that our profile will go live here shortly! we are just waiting to hear back from a couple of things for our homestudy to be final.

they say to start spreading the word that you are looking at adopting, because you just never know.

and i can't argue, because that is how bubba came to be in our family!

so, if you hear anything, or feel the need to pass our name along..

we would be more than thrilled. :)

bubba took this of us. :)

photography is going great, fall is always my busy time, and this fall doesn't seem like it's going to be an exception. :) which i am more than thrilled for! i love all of my clients/friends, and am so blessed to be doing what i love!

anyway, i hope this is an ok update, and i will try to update more!

love

2011-07-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

love this little man

more than just about anything in this world.

so lucky he's with me :)

friday confessions

2011-07-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

i have been away from the blog for a while, because i tried to upload for a couple of days and it was.not.having.it.

so i gave up for a bit.

i decided that it was probably time that i tried again.

i'm starting to get those messages from my mother, telling me i need to update my blog :)

~nothing like having your child get a black eye, to make you feel like a horrible mother. especially since it happened at night, in his sleep. i should have been able to prevent that some how, right? ah well. makes him look like a tough boy.

~summer is going by way to fast. it is almost august, and i am not ready for september yet. well, technically, nothing will really change for us..but it's one month closer to winter.

which i don't like.

~i went to my high school 10 year reunion a couple of weeks ago.

i don't like to admit that i graduated 10 years ago. it makes me feel old.

i swore i'd never grow up.

while it was good to see people i haven't seen in 10 years, and see how they are doing. i didn't really care for it. those that i want to stay in touch with, i do. either by blog stalking/facebook stalking/chatting/get together/ or emails.

i don't know. maybe it's just cause i'm getting old :/

~i have started to go back to being a hermit. i would much rather stay in my house, in pajamas all day, then do anything outdoors. maybe it's because i don't really have a mode of transportation..but it just seems like too much work to get bubba and myself ready and walk places.

maybe i'm just lazy.

although it's a lot easier to be able to go out and do it with someone else.

i need more friends.

~sam and i have been married for 9 years now.

i can't believe it.

we are still very much in love with each other, even though i probably annoy the snot out of him a lot of times.

like really bad.

as in bite his head off sometimes bad.

but he still loves me, and he's doing his best to take care of us.

what more can i ask for?

that's all i can think of right now. let's see if i can find some pictures to put up here...

bubba loves swimming. we went to st. george so i could photograph a wedding, and he spent every second he could in the pool. :)

love this sleeping boy

he WAS in time out...

friday, shmiday

2011-06-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

let's see what we have today

~we went to lagoon twice this week, and it makes me feel like a kid again. love the rides, the swimming, and the just being with family. chris and tab, you would be SO proud of me, the last two times i've gone, my phone has stayed away. :)

~i need to take more time for my family. i LOVE my business, but i need to find balance. this is something that i will be working on for the next couple of weeks, to see what i can do to bring balance back to my family (this includes making dinner more often i guess. but bubba is SO please with mac and cheese and chicken nuggets!)

~i ate a bowl full of spinach grown in our pots outside our front door. and we are starting to get green beans, and i am really very excited for them!

~sam has about a month and a half before we find out if his job is permanent. he goes back and forth each day thinking that it's for sure, to thinking that he should start looking. i just wish that they would give them SOME notice, so we aren't suddenly without a job. :/ i really dislike the not knowing of it.

~i wish i were a writer. or someone who could eloquently put words together to bring true emotion into something that someone is reading. but alas. i really suck at writing. haha. i was once told by my third grade teacher i believe, that i needed to read the dictionary, because my vocabulary was awful. i'm beginning to think that she was right. oh, and if she were to read my blog, she would cringe, and tell me i need to work on capitalization. hmm. oh well.

~some of my best ideas come while i'm showering.

hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

update

2011-06-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

my mom was giving me a hard time today about not updating my blog.

yeah..i don't know why, maybe it's because i don't feel like i have anything interesting to share.

i have the tab open across the top of my browser, i just don't ever think to click on it and update.

ah well.

confessions, shall we?

~i'm getting older. i slept on a floor last night, and i couldn't move this morning. my shoulders and hips hurt so bad.

i don't like this fact.

~i am working on being happier with myself, and not worry so much about everyone else.

i'll let you know how it goes.

~we need more movies. i think i have worn out the ones that we have

~i am a photographer, and i only have a couple of pictures hanging up on my walls. sad i know. i think it's because i know i'm not going to be in this place long, so i don't want to get completely settled in and do stuff, unless i know i'm going to be there a while. so sad.

~i want to go on a vacation with sam. just him and i for a couple of days. we haven't done that for 3 years. we have only been away from bubba 3 nights. and they were all separate, and we were only away for about 12 hours. i want an actual vacation away from everything. for at least 2 days. it would do wonders i think.

all right, i want to go to bed. enjoy your night.

june confessions

2011-06-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

confession time

~i stink at updating this blog. i know many of you will agree with me on this. i apologize.

~i am having a hard time with friends. i guess i put in way too much effort with people to be their friends. and no effort is returned. makes me want to give up. i often feel like i don't really have friends, just acquaintances. but no one i can really call and talk to. i try to be there for others, and try to be a good friend. but somehow, i think i'm failing.

~in discussing the above issue with sam, we started discussing "love languages". i always thought that my love language was "gifts" or "physical touch", but in our discussion, we decided that my love language is "words of affirmation". i thrive when i receive compliments, or praise. and in the friend issue above, i don't often get that, so i feel i am failing as a friend.

i don't know, maybe it's all just in my head.

~i am over complimentary. unfortunately, this leads to people thinking i'm fake. i love receiving words of praise, so naturally, i give lots of praise. i don't ever give a compliment that isn't deserved in one way or another. but people start to think that i don't mean what i say, and that i am just fake.

not.so.

~i have been having so many dreams about babies, that it makes me sad. i hope that this adoption process takes a shorter amount of time, rather than a longer amount of time!

the.end.

love

2011-05-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

all you need is
L.O.V.E.

pictures

2011-05-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

as mentioned, i got my new camera last week. and i am in love :) i made bubba play around while i took some pictures with it. and these are what i got. i absolutely love the colors, and the sharpness that i can achieve with this camera. love, love, LOVE.

now i just need to save up for some new lenses as well. :)

i tried to get bubba to jump onto the pillows to make it look like he was flying.

i know, i'm the BEST.

he tried it once, and said he didn't want to do that anymore. haha.
although, i absolutely LOVE the look on his face while doing it.
you can click on it to make it larger. :)

then HE wanted to play with my camera.

yeah..not ready for that one yet...

so he got mad.

and cried.

but then he got a juice, so he was happy again.

i absolutely LOVE his eyelashes.

i want them.

then he got to have a bath.

LOVE his blue eyes in this picture.

then i forced him to take a picture with me. :)

he didn't want his picture taken anymore, so i took a picture of his new best friend, the dinosaur, instead.

"cheese"

such a cheesy grin. :)

then he wanted to smother me in kisses.

and you know...

i was ok with that. :)

and yes...most of the time, bubba and i are in pajamas all day long. :)

don't judge me.

confessions

2011-05-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

alrighty then

~i hate jurassic park. we are currently watching the second one, and i am reminded how bad i dislike those movies. poor cinematography and everything. bleh. i don't think i'm going to sleep tonight. i'll either be up with a scared to death 3 year old, or my own mind keeping me awake.

~i need an interior decorator to come and do a major overhaul on my house. it's sad.

~ at this moment, i am starving. and i really want cheesecake.

~i love business season for my photography. it keeps my mind off of things.

~infertility sucks.

the end.

still here

2011-05-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to get messages asking if i dropped off the face of the earth

nope. still here.

surviving.

thankfully, i have this little man to keep me going.

and boy does he keep me going.

but we are here.

i have really been struggling with our infertility again.

i hate that it comes and goes. and when i think i am over it and past it, it rears it's ugly head again.

4 years ago at this time, we were told that our chances of having biological children were one in a million chance. slim to none, and if i did become pregnant, i will miscarry, because of all the factors playing in.

boo hiss

so i am trying to go through that stage again and get past again. digest all the information...again.

i know that i will never fully get through it. it's something that i'm going to always be struggling with. but i just need a couple of days to come to terms with it all again, and then i'll be good. :)

something that has helped, is that we are filling out our adoption paperwork again.

YAY!!!

we have finished the first little bit and are in the last stages of getting our paperwork in. :)

that in and of itself is VERY exciting.

i can't wait to expand our family.

the other exciting thing, is i got a new camera

yes, yes.

and it is amazing.

the picture of bubba above is the first picture i took with it.

then i had to try and take one of myself.

haha, not the BEST picture, but it works.

anyway, i hope things are going well for you.

a day with the dinos

2011-05-05T17:56:00.000-07:00

tuesday evening, we went down to thanksgiving point to take some pictures.

it was too windy.

so we didn't take pictures, and instead, sam, bubba, and i went to the dinosaur museum.

bubba was so excited to see the dinosaurs.

until we got there

then he didn't want to be put down.

which is odd for him, because he can't stand to be held and always has to be walking.

but yeah. he refused to get down.

silly boy.

here are some pictures of our outing. :)

we were the last ones to leave, and had to walk through part of the museum in the dark.

that was kind of creepy..

Sicky

2011-05-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

i dislike being sick.

and it seems like we've been sick a LOT this season

boo hiss.

sickness can go out and punch itself in the stomach.

but right now, bubba and i are indoors stuffed up with coughs.

my head has so much pressure in it,

it feels like my eyes are going to explode.

which does NOT help with editing, i might add.

so, as we sit in here and be miserable, here is a picture of bubba from easter.

this is his easter suit.

so.stinkin.adorable.

he had a tie...but claimed it was choking him. so it came off :/

enjoy.

Randomness...

2011-04-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

i guess i better do some other kind of blog post so you aren't just getting confessions...

bubba is getting SO smart! he is starting to count, and he recognizes different letters in the alphabet.

i love him looking over my shoulder and then pointing out a "h" and making the sound it makes and saying "hot" with it.

he loves hot dogs, and can eat those all day every day if i let him. :)

he got his first owie today. i went on a walk with a new friend, and he wanted to walk for some of it (not just sit in the stroller) so i let him out. he was back in the stroller within 2 minutes with a scraped up knee.

no fun for him.

life has been busy, i've been doing at least a couple of photoshoots every weekend, which has been nice. it keeps me busy, and doing what i love to do!

as most of you know, the weather has been really moody lately, and we are expecting snow AGAIN tomorrow.

bleh. i want warmth and sun please.

i am doing well, my stomach is healing and i still just have to remind myself to take it easy. kind of weird to think that it started 4 weeks ago tonight. i should be able to be back to myself soon, but i can tell when i lift stuff or try to use my stomach muscles that it still hurts. so still just trying to listen to my body and do what's best.

sam is doing really well at his job, and he is loving it. :) he is being trained on some new stuff which is awesome, and we hope everything keeps going well with it!

i know some of you are still wondering about our exciting news, but i am going to have to keep you on the edge of your seats just a little while longer. :) sorry about that..

but question, does anyone know a physician (family doctor) that would be willing to trade photography for a couple of physicals? if so, that would be AWESOME, and i could maybe through in a free shoot for you as well? please oh please oh please? leave me a comment if you do. :)

anywho, that's about life right now. :)

just taking it a day at a time. :)

enjoy!

i have to admit

2011-04-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

i am not good at coming up with titles other than "confessions"

because that's what they are..

so if anyone has any suggestions on titles that i can use on friday's, please let me know. :)

alright, here we go:

~i used to shave the hair off of my arms. my mom would always laugh at me. but if you knew me in high school, you'll know that i HATED having hair on my arms, and i had a LOT of it! so i started shaving them a couple of years ago. i have since stopped, and my arms are hairy again, and it doesn't bug me so bad anymore. huh.

~i love being busy. i thrive on it. i think that's why i am a photographer. even though it sometimes gets crazy, i feel like i am actually doing stuff. instead of just sitting at home in my pajamas doing movie days all the time. :) it makes me feel accomplished, and even if i complain, i secretly LOVE being busy.

~i need friends. i mean, i have friends, don't get me wrong. but i miss going out and hanging out with someone, just because. i guess in order for me to do this, i need a car so i can actually meet with people. who wants to come hang out at my place?

~i don't sleep well. most nights i stay up late in bed, trying to shut my mind off. my mind goes a million miles an hour, and i can't shut it off long enough to fall asleep. so even though sam has been asleep since 10:30, i find myself awake at 2:00...even though i've been laying there the whole time.

~i get scared to talk on the phone. seriously. it makes me so nervous. when someone calls, i look at my phone and my heart starts pounding, and i fear answering it. which is really weird considering i worked in customer service for 4 years answering phone calls. maybe that is where my fear came from, for the last 2 years i did supervisor calls, where people were mad and yelling. hmmm... i would rather text or email. it just goes to show how technological our generation is i guess. and my goal is to get better at talking on the phone to people.

that's all i can really come up with right now.

thanks for reading!

enjoy.

appendicitis

2011-04-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

i guess i should share with you my experience before i try to forget about it completely. :)

april 1, 2011

april fools day

go figure.

i started having pain early, early, early this morning. as in midnight. i couldn't get comfortable, and therefore couldn't sleep.

it felt like my abdomen was completely sore. it went through to my back, and made it so i couldn't lay on my sides or my back, or any position really. it would come in waves. most of the time it was really dull constant pain, but then i would get these stabbings of pain that felt like my insides were being ripped out.

not that i really know what that feels like..

so i learned to breathe through it.

tried taking ibuprofen, because i've learned that i always try that first.

didn't help.

sam left for work, and i called my mom and asked her what i should do.

my stomach felt bruised. it was REALLY tender to touch, and if you pushed on it, it would send stabbing pains all through my stomach and back.

i've had ovarian cysts before, and those hurt something fierce, so i assumed it was another cyst.

so i tried to get in to see my aunt who is a midwife to see if we could find any cysts.

unfortunately she wasn't working that day, but i made an appointment with one of the other doctors.

thank heavens for amazing family, my sister came and took bubba over to her house, and my mom took me to the doctor. i couldn't really stand upright without being in severe pain, so i probably looked funny walking around hunched over.

ok, not probably, i DID look funny walking around like that.

got in to see the doctor, who was very nice by the way, and did an ultrasound.

just what i feared.

no cyst.

of course not! this had to be more difficult than that!

she was worried about the pain, and the fact that i had a slight fever (my thermometer didn't pick anything up) so we did blood tests.

a pregnancy test to rule out ectopic pregnancy, and a white blood cell count to see if my body was fighting something.

so home i went to try and sleep while my sister watched bubba.

sam came home, he ate dinner, and tried to rub my back to ease the pain.

then i got the call from the doctor.

pregnany test was negative

(duh)

but white blood cell count was almost double what it should have been. they like seeing it below 10, and mine was 17.

definitely fighting something.

"you really need to get to the ER so they can diagnose more"

so we gathered some things for bubba, since we didn't know how long we would be and ran them to my parents house, and then headed in to the ER.

got there, checked in and put in a room, stuck an iv in me, and filled me with fluids.

took me back for a ct scan to see if they could see something with my appendix.

we waited.

sam had fun with the little t.v. in our little space, and i spent the time covering my ears so i didn't have to listen to the guy next door throwing up. bleh.

doctor came back and said it looked like appendicitis, but they can never be sure (i'm sure for liability reasons..) sometimes they don't look like it, but you really have it, or sometimes it looks like it, and it comes out you don't. but the surgeon was there and they would have him look at my ct scan and me, and come in and talk to me.

so we waited again, and finally a surgeon came in and told us that we would be going in for surgery.

great.

we had about 3 hours.

my parents came, and my dad and sam gave me a blessing.

they finally took my up to the room i would be staying in, and got me somewhat prepped for surgery.

this was taken by my dad just before they wheeled me to surgery.

just before midnight they came and got me for surgery.

i remember being nervous (i've never had major surgery before!) but mostly calm.

i could still joke around, and i didn't have that pit in the bottom of my stomach. which was good.

i met with the anesthesiologist and nurse and they got me prepped.

it was really weird being wheeled into the O.R. no one else was in there yet, just me the anesthesiologist and the nurse. i moved myself from that bed to the operating table and settled in. i was told to count back. so i started at 100 and made it to 98 before the next thing i remember was waking up in the recovery room. i was in and out of it for about 10 minutes before they took me back up to my room where my parents and sam waited. this was about 1 in the morning.

my parents checked to make sure i was ok, and then left to head home.

sam stayed by my side and tried to sleep.

kind of hard to sleep when a blood pressure cuff goes off every half hour, or a nurse walks in every so often. :) but we did our best.

we were up for the morning about 6:00. they tried giving me percocet throughout the morning, with zofran to help with nauseousness, but that didn't do well. i couldn't function at all. jackie and kaleigh came to see me, and i think my eyes were closed the whole time. i kept opening them, telling them that i was sorry i wasn't much fun right now. and then i would close them again, and go in and out.

and we attempted to watch conference while in there. i don't remember ANYTHING about those 2 sessions..

i finally was able to talk them into just giving me ibuprofen, which helped a LOT more. i was more aware and was finally able to move around.

we were able to go home about 5 in the afternoon.

funny, the only times i threw up in the hospital, was when they gave me anti-nausea medicine. haha.

here are a couple of pictures of the incisions. if you don't want to see, close your eyes and scroll down. :)

i had 3 incisions in my stomach. it was done lapriscopically, so they are just small incisions. but i still couldn't lift anything for 4 weeks. (i'm 2 weeks in :)) (in the second picture, my belly button is the bottom incision, and my hips are at the top of the picture, sorry it's upside down, but that's the perspective i have of it. :))

results came back, and it was definitely just appendicitis (no definite reason for it to be inflamed) and was definitely swollen. while they were in there, they found that i had endometriosis as well, and took care of that while they were there. tests results all came back ok and normal after that.

recovery has been ok. it's been hard not being able to lift bubba and carry him around. also hard not to do things for myself and try and rely on other people. we had some people in our ward who were kind enough to be able to bring us dinner for a few nights, and they've been good to check up on us. :) and now they just look like scars. still sore, especially if anything touches them. and i have a hard time wearing levi's because they sit right on the lower incision. so i've been in pajama pants most of the time. :)

i have the most AMAZING family EVER, who helped take care of things. they came over every day for the next week to help me.

so that's my adventure. :) i don't ever want to do it again. :)

especially now that we are seeing the bills.

yuck.

but all is ok, and that is what matters.

already?

2011-04-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

so yeah..i was really going to post more during the week..

and i didn't realize that the last post i made was the confessions.

sorry about that.

i will try to be better.

here's this weeks confessions:

~i am not a dog person. i like dogs, i get along with dogs, but i can't do big dogs. maybe a little lapdog or something..and maybe i will change my mind later. but as of right now,

i'll take a cat.

~this weather is not stopping me from wearing flip flops. maybe i'm in denial. and maybe my feet are freezing anyway, but it's my way of trying to will spring to be here.

~i wish i was in colorado. my parents and some of my siblings are there visiting with my brother who just came home from his tour in iraq, his wife and little boy. and i can't help but being insanely jealous. i wish i was there with them. but i will be seeing them in a few weeks. :) and i'm excited.

~i need to find balance. that's all i am really going to say about that, because a lot of it i am still trying to figure out myself.

i think i am going to end there. because i am hungry and tired, and i want to get away from the computer. :)

enjoy

Friday Confessions

2011-04-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

i have to apologize for missing this last week.

turns out i was in and out of doctor offices, and an emergency room.

all while enduring massive amounts of pain.

which leads me to my confessions-

~i really dislike surgery. i have had a couple of minor surgical procedures (lasting less than an hour from start to being able to go home) with wisdom teeth and ivf. so this was the first time i had a major surgical procedure.

and i don't like it.

(for those that don't know, i will be making an entirely different post on WHY i had to have surgery at another time with pictures included. :))

~i am so over this snow. why does it have to keep snowing? mother nature needs to make up her stinkin mind.

~i made cookies yesterday. and i was up moving around more, and i took care of bubba all day by myself.

not the smartest choices.

i'm paying for it today.

i guess i feel that since i feel better, i can do more. apparently that's not the case. boo hiss.

~sam surprised me and got me an iphone almost 2 weeks ago. i am ecstatic. i {heart} it tons!!

~sometimes i get tired trying to keep up with everyone all the time. and times like that i think i want to close my facebook, twitter, blogs, and just live.

~i feel bad not being able to do a lot of things with bubba right now. he's been acting out more this week, and i think it's because things went kind of crazy for a couple of days, and he hasn't had him mom to do everything i used to do. he wanted to go to sleep the other night, so i asked him if he wanted to go to bed. he said "no" and then "i seep ight dere" and pointed to my stomach. my heart broke. he has had to stay away from me for most of the time, and it sucks.

i have made a commitment while i've been down, to do more meaningful things with bubba once i am up and moving again. even if it's just taking a walk around the neighborhood. he needs me, and i need him.

i think that's good for now. enjoy while i go lay back down.

relief

2011-03-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

we accomplished something this last week that we have been DREAMING of doing for some time now.

it all started about 5 years ago.

i had some medical things come up which started us on our infertility journey.

i never thought i would be thankful for a cyst that put me in the hospital.

but because of that LONG ambulance ride (from west yellowstone to rexburg idaho)

a short emergency room stay, and an expensive CT scan

we gained some debt.

we got our first credit card.

we were slowly paying this off the best we could.

then we started building my business.

more debt.

then we adopted (which, i wouldn't trade for the world and would do again :))

more debt.

then we moved, and things didn't go quite as planned. moving expenses, job not doing very well, etc.

more debt.

since then, we have been trying to pay off what we can. anything extra we would get, would pay extra on a card. but with interest and the vicious cycle that is debt, it was miserable. we felt stuck.

it was tying us down.

we needed freedom.

we filed taxes this year, and with some new tax laws, we were able to get a pretty large refund.

guess where it went?

well, if you can't guess, i will now tell you that the balance of our short term debt is:

ZERO

that's right. we completely paid off our credit cards/medical expenses/everything!!

the only things we have left, are our car (which we are almost done with) and student loans which we start on in may.

HaPpY dAnCe!!

we are seriously ecstatic about it!!!

we feel SO free!!

and we vow to avoid short term debt as MUCH as possible!!

but i am proof that is CAN be done!!!

we did it.

and now we will be pinching our pennies still the same to see how high we can get our savings. :)

LOVE the idea of finally being able to build that!

so we decided to make it a game and see how high we can get it. :)

i can't wait.

and there is something else exciting that we are doing, but i am going to wait a little bit before i post about it.

just know that it is REALLY exciting. :)

and you won't want to miss it. :)

3 years new

2011-03-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

wow. what to say.

so many emotions, and thoughts go through my head on this day.

you've all probably read the story, as i think i post it every year. but oh well.

i like posting it. :)

sunday, march 23, 2008

on this day 3 years ago, we were in oregon at a hospital. we were told to me at 7:00am. so we met crystal at the hospital, and spent time with her in her room before the surgery. they finally came in about 10:00am, handed me my scrubs to dress up in, and took us back. i waited for the anesthesiologist to finish their work, and then they took me in. i sat by crystals head (i was extremely nervous, but probably not as nervous as crystal!) the anesthesiologist told me i could look, and when i did, there he was.

and he was perfect.

they took him over to get his airway cleaned out and i was allowed to follow him. so i did. they did a quick clean up, and then wrapped him in a blanket and handed him over to me.

i cried.

i took him back over to crystal and kept him as close to her as i could while they started sewing her back up.

then we went to the nursery, where they weighed him (7lbs 15 oz) and measured him (20in long) then they gave him a bath. he liked the water (STILL does, and baths are his FAVORITE thing!) and loved being in it, but didn't like being OUT of it!!

i was lovestruck. i couldn't look at him without smiling.

i couldn't think of him without smiling. before the bath, i went and grabbed my camera, which was with sam. i hugged sam and just cried ("he's here!") and then ran back in to be with him. (still only 1 person could be back there). here are some of the pictures taken during and after his bath.

then they brought crystal in, and watching her with him, melted my heart even more. how were we so lucky? this amazing woman wanted to place this perfect child with us. our family doubled that day. our families were connected. it was perfect. and i still love watching the two of them together. it still amazes me. :)

after we got crystal settled into her room, i went out and got sam, and the other visitors that were there. and they came back. sam looked like a child on christmas. he walked into the room, eyes wide, HUGE smile on his face. he kind of stayed back a little bit trying to catch peaks of him. :) then crystal looked at him and said "you want to hold him daddy?" and sam melted, picked him up, and was smitten. :)

here is our first picture together. it was sunday afternoon, and it covers SO many emotions that i was feeling that day. one of my favorite pictures EVER.

words can not express what i felt that day. and what i still feel. this morning when he came crawling into my bed, and snuggles into me. my heart fills up.

he looks up at me and asks if i'm ok. i tell him i am and that i am so happy he is with me. he looks at me, smiles and says

"i love you momma"

and that is why we fought for so many years.

that's why we never gave up.

that's why we kept praying for a miracle, and he led us to crystal.

crystal, i tell you this all the time, but THANK YOU. from the very bottom of our hearts.

we love you, and are SO thankful you are part of our family.

and to my little man. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the sweetest little man i've ever met.

i love you to eternity and back

and all your "i luw you momma"'s and hugs and kisses were WELL worth the wait.

hope you enjoy your day!!

LOVE YOU!!!!

confessions, confessions

2011-03-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

can you believe it's friday already?

this means summer is getting closer, because the weeks are going by faster, which means summer will pass faster.

winter just seems to go by sooo sl.ow.ly.

anyway, back to the task at hand.

~i actually had to ask bubba what i should put for my confessions this week. he looked at me and said "i don't know, it's ok mom" such reassurance.

~we bought an ironing board yesterday. this is the first ironing board we have owned since being married. this means that i am actually going to have to iron now. maybe i should have postponed this a little longer...

~i planted a garden yesterday. muahaha. ok, so it's a garden in pots, but it's still going to produce! i can't wait until we have an actual yard where we can put in an actual garden! the things that we have planted are: strawberries, peas, green beans, spinach, cilantro, and basil. i am very excited to watch them grow, and bubba even points to them and yells "growing!!!" i think he's excited too. :)

~surprise. i'm addicted to facebook. at least i'm not in denial anymore. sad thing is, as my business gets busier, the more time i will spend on there, since a lot of my clients come from facebook!

~i am becoming addicted to crafting. i am forming a list of things that i want to make! so far i have: pants for bubba, bedding for my bedroom, a headboard, frames, bean bags chairs, drapes, skirts, slipcovers, etc.

i think i am getting in over my head. :) if anyone wants to make some of these with me, please let me know. it's so much easier with other people!!

~i go through phases where i like being a homebody, and staying in and just hanging out at home. and other times i love getting out and seeing people and things. i think i am in a homebody stage right now.

yee haw! enjoy your weekend!!!

Workout?

2011-03-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

i have to be honest.

i'm not the biggest an of working out.

i mean, i like the feeling of accomplishing something, and when my muscles feel like they've been worked. i'm all for that.

what i'm NOT for

the absolute PAIN i feel after working out for the first time in a long time.

i know, i know, i can hear you saying it.

"maybe that's why you are supposed to work out more regularly"

i KNOW.

but can you bear with me for a second?

i.can't.move.my.legs.

like seriously.

i am stuck laying down, it takes me FOR-EVER to actually walk to the bathroom.

i am pretty sure i even asked sam to carry me up the stairs last night.

i can't remember, because i was too focused on the delirious pain i was feeling.

really, every muscle hurts from my butt down to my toes.

so what did i do to bring this upon myself?

i did a cardio workout that was made from the trainers on the biggest loser.

and then i went running.

lots of lunges and squats to NOT go very well with running.

i guess it just means that i need to do it more often.

hopefully.

but this isn't the "feel good burn" that you get from working out.

this is pain.

ugh.

oh i'm sorry, you don't like hearing me complain?

well...my blog, my rules.

deal with it.

and why in the WORLD is my "f" key SO hard to push?!

it's a good thing that today is st. patrick's day, i can get away with saying stuff like

top o the mornin to ya. :)

enjoy your day.

march 2008

2011-03-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

march

i love march.

it is such a wonderful month of new beginnings (notice the flowers starting to bloom?)

and it is a month that 3 years ago changed our lives.

as i was texting with crystal this afternoon, it was pointed out that we've known each other for 3 years now.

that's right, 3 years ago on march 7, 2008 we met crystal at lds family services in oregon.

i remember being REALLY nervous.

in fact, i think i remember my thoughts being

"what if she doesn't like us?"

the caseworker came in, and then brought crystal in. we smiled. we talked for a few minutes, we gave her a gift, we took some pictures (i KNOW i have them around here somewhere..) and then we went to lunch. :)

we went to olive garden, and i remember asking as many questions that could come to my head.

sam was babbling. which meant he was actually nervous as well.

even if he denies it. :)

we took her home, and then went back to where we were staying while there.

and we couldn't stop smiling. we were ecstatic. i think i cried.

even if i deny it.

the next day would be awesome.

march 8 came and we had been invited to a baby shower.

being thrown for crystal and us.

we were floored. we felt welcome, we felt accepted, we felt like family.

and everyone who came to that shower, showed such an immense amount of love to us and crystal.

crystal got pampering, memory gifts.

that was a fast trip to oregon. i believe that we took a trip (or 2) to the beach. sam had never been to an oregon beach. :)

we came home and we got ready. we continued emails and texts with crystal. she had a couple of times where she went to the hospital to be monitored. but everything was ok, and we went up at the scheduled time to see bubba born. :)

but that will be a different post for a different time.

crystal.

what can we say.

we absolutely LOVE you.

we think about you all.year.long, but especially during this month.

the wonderful month where we met you, and you changed our world.

the month that you made our dreams come true.

we still can't thank you enough.

love you tons!!

Friday Confessions

2011-03-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

~i have been / and still am very self conscious. i've always worried about what other people thought about me. and whenever i would get a negative feedback/comment/etc, it always bothered me. well, i have decided to change this. i'm not going to let them get to me, and i'm going to separate myself from anyone who makes me feel this way. end of story.

~this week has been amazing. :) my brother is home from iraq, and i couldn't be happier.

~seriously, every day i get a new appreciation for my parents. i don't know how they survived with 6 of us. parenting is HARD, but definitely worth everything. :)

~i fell in love with leather. especially leather albums. i pulled my album out of the shipping box, and just sat and smelled it. holy cow. amazing. i think i could have leather everywhere.

~i'm in love with the warmer weather we are getting. almost 70 yesterday?! are you kidding?!

~NOT looking forward to losing an hour of sleep this weekend. especially since church starts at 9:00am.

~i really am not comfortable with buzz lightyear (thank you tana!!) watching me go to the bathroom. but whenever i go in, bubba chases me with buzz and says "buzz watch you potty!!" umm.....don't think he's going to learn anything. :)

alright, i hope you have an AMAZING weekend. :)

and please keep those affected by the japan earthquake/tsunami in your prayers. they need all the prayers we can send.

Creative Imagination

2011-03-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wish i had a child's imagination and creativity. seriously, if i did, i think i could rock it.
maybe i will have to work on that.
the pictures scattered through today's post are from valentine's day, when it was somewhat warm. :)

yesterday, while bubba was eating dinner, he made it about half way through, and his spiderman vitamin was sitting on his plate. half way through, he said his tummy hurt and he needed to eat his vitamin. ok, sure, go ahead. he ate it and then proceeded to finish his food. towards the end, he saw a treat sitting on the table, and said his tummy hurt again, and he needed to eat the treat to make his tummy "happy".
bahaha. silly boy. nice try.
finish your dinner first.

then while he was playing yesterday, he had a plane and was playing with it on the fridge.
well it somehow fell, injuring his foot. he cried for a second, and then brought the plane over to his foot. the plane proceeded to tell his toes sorry and kiss them better. then the roles reversed and he was bubba again, whimpering. switch back to the plane, "it ok, sorry!" and it reverts back to bubba whimpering a little more.

my son just had a full conversation with himself. :)

i absolutely LOVE watching his creativity, and imagination come out. it is so fun to watch!

and apparently there is a lion that lives in our house, but he goes and stays at grandma and grandpa's house when he doesn't want to be scared. :)

i wouldn't trade this little guy for ANYTHING. but it seriously amazes me how he is learning, and picking things up. he's like a sponge. he knows a lot of his letters, and is learning to count a little bit. he can dress himself, (and UNdress himself) and has us wrapped completely around his fingers. he knows how to get his way, and commonly does ("i sleep with you? please momma?"). oh to be a kid again.

oh, and because i have it, here is a picture of the main love of my life. i loved the lighting in this picture. he's so handsome.
and he takes my heart with him wherever he goes. :)

enjoy this random posting. :)

Blessed

2011-03-07T12:09:00.000-08:00

i don't know what's prompting this, but i feel like i need to "journal" this (since this is like my journal..)

anyway

i.feel.so.blessed.

i am sitting here snuggling my little munchkin watching a movie, after spending the last 3 hours snuggling him while he slept and after he woke up where we just sat and talked/giggled/sang/played games in bed.

so even though i sit here (yes, still in my pajamas) doing just about nothing, i feel so blessed.

my heart feels so full right now.

i have an amazing life right now.

we have bubba. he's our miracle, and i thank God for him EVERY.DAY.

my hubby has a good job right now that seems to fit in perfectly with our family. and that is such a blessing. it's finally using his degree that he graduated with almost 3 years ago.

we are both doing our callings for church, and having FUN with it.

(i absolutely love my sunbeams)

our apartment is becoming decluttered, and clean.

i am SO thankful that i can stay at home with bubba.

my photography is doing well, and has become more fun. not a stress. and i couldn't be happier with how it's going.

i am finally learning how to prioritize the things in my life.

i'm cooking more.

we have an AMAZING ward and neighborhood. seriously, i have never felt so comfortable in a ward in 9 years of marriage. they care about each other. we get together with other couples that are awesome, and it's fun!

we are healthy (at the time being. :) still trying to completely kick this flu, but feel TONS better than i did.

bubba is healthy and growing.

crystal (bubba's birthmother) is going to be coming to spend a few days with us. :) pure excitement. :)

like i said.

i.am.blessed.

i feel SO thankful for everything right now.

sure there are still some stresses, and worries, but right now my gratitude far outweighs them.

life is good.

and if you're reading this. i am thankful for YOU.

much love.

Friday Confessions

2011-03-04T11:30:00.000-08:00

~i have no motivation whatsoever right now. just since monday, we've had 3 pajama days. that's right, we got ready only 2 days this week. still trying to kick this flu, and get back to normal. blech.

~i really like the movie "megamind". it seriously makes me laugh. and we've watched you over and over and over again this week.

~my house is a mess, and i really don't care at this moment. meh.

~i really want to do something creative.

~i want to go through my place and throw away anything that isn't being used. just get rid of everything and simplify.

~i miss t.v. we haven't had it since we moved out of my parents house, and i miss it. sometimes i just want to curl up on the couch and watch some t.v. to take my mind off of everything else that is occupying it.

maybe that's why i can't sleep some nights.

alright people. have a great weekend. love ya all.

healthy boy

2011-03-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

i thought that i would let you in on our adventures the other day.

our insurance was changing, and so i wanted to get bubba's doctor's/dentist appointments done so i wouldn't have to worry about them. :)

brilliant idea no?

well, first came the dentist.

bubba was so excited to go, because the dentist office looked like you were in an aquarium, which was admittedly pretty awesome. he couldn't wait for them to call his name to go back.

we finally go back, and he goes and climbs into the chair that they told him to.

they were doing bite-wing x-rays.

yeeeeeeah.

talk about screaming, crying, traumatizing experience.

the bitewing things made him gag, and he didn't like having them in his mouth.

after they finally got the xrays done, he climbed off of the chair and tried to run out of the office. i then had to get him and try and sweet talk him into sitting in the actual dentist chair.

finally was able to get him to sit there (with kaleigh's help) but he was leary about letting anyone near his mouth again.

luckily, this dentist was AMAZING.

seriously. he was able to get bubba to relax, and let him "squeak" his teeth as he scraped them, and put "muscles" on his teeth. at the end, he gave him some fake money to buy a toy from the toy machine.

turned out pretty good, and his teeth are GREAT! with the x-rays we even got to see his permenant teeth coming in beneath his baby teeth. bubba thought that was pretty cool. :)

next came the doctor.

bubba was going around the house saying "i wanna go see doctor!"

so we went and got right in (thankfully) bubba climbed onto the scale, and stood there, and then stood while they measured him.

i'm not sure if i like the fact that he doesn't need me to hold him for that anymore. :(

but he weighed in at 35 pounds, and was 38.5 inches tall. the doctor said he is on track to being 6'2'' or taller.

basketball anyone? :)

bubba let him check in his ears, and his eyes, and his mouth. all with me just sitting there.

really...not used to that.

and one of the things that he recommended was preschool, or playgroups.

you see, he is used to adult interaction. he doesn't have any "friends" that he knows names of and plays with. so we need to get him more interactions with kids.

sooo....ANY help there would be MUCH appreciated!!

he is potty trained (doctor said boys are more commonly potty trained around 3.5 years old) which is awesome, and he is starting to talk more. within the last few weeks his annunciation and talking has gotten a LOT better. he can dress himself, and even put his shoes and socks on.

overall, they said he looked completely healthy.

i still can't believe he's growing up.

in just a couple of weeks, he will be 3.

wow. where does the time go.

anyway, so those were our adventures from monday.

enjoy, and ANY advice on preschool/playgroups will be appreciated!! thanks :)

Friday Confessions

2011-02-25T11:00:00.000-08:00

these are going to be short and sweet

~i.hate.being.sick. i have been sick all the week long. started with a fever of 103 which ran from late sunday night to Wednesday night. with that were aches, stuffy head, upset stomach, chills, etc. (i think i took 4 baths in 3 days to try and regulate my temperature. the only place i could feel warm) then, once the fever went away, it was replaced with an extremely sore throat, and very stuffed up head. and VERY weak. tried showering yesterday and that was more than i could handle. i feel like i have no muscles to support me when i stand, like they are jello. probably from laying here all week.

ugh.

~ i have a very good little boy. even though he's sick of me just laying around, for the most part he has been understanding and has tried to take care of me. he's still feeling a little yucky (stuffy nose) but for the most part is feeling better.

~i have the best family in the world. kaleigh has come over to take care of me a couple of times, and my mom came and got me out of the house (even if it was to just go lay on their couch :)) to try and break up my boredom.

~i also have the best hubby in the world. he works all day, then he would come home, entertain bubba, and take care of me. i owe him a ton. and count myself as one of the luckiest gals in the universe.

~i can't wait until spring. i want to get out of the house more. i am so bored from being stuck in here. i can't do much more snow.

~i am going to miss ebay's insurance. the one we are offered now isn't nearly as good. but at least it's something. i will just miss ebay's. but we still know this is what we are supposed to be doing. so..

~i am going to go lay back down. have a good weekend.

Long Day

2011-02-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

i have a feeling today is already going to be a long day.

could be that i've been awake since 7:30

why was i awake at 7:30? i had a little very warm body climb into bed with me.

too warm.

took his temperature and it was 103.7.

yikes.

he was so tired still, gave him some medicine because he was just miserable, and some juice. he tried to go back to sleep, but it was a really restless sleep. he kept jerking around, and whining.

poor little guy :(

checked his temperature about an hour ago, and luckily it has dropped to 100.6 and i think it is staying there at the moment. he has NO other symptoms of anything, which is good. he's taking it easy, while i try and get ready to go to work.

luckily he is still giggling, and smiling in amidst his whining.

gosh, i love that little guy.

and i sure hope he feels better FAST.

Friday Confessions

2011-02-18T14:03:00.000-08:00

yay! back on schedule.

right?

i mean, did i ever HAVE a schedule?

ah well.

here they are, this weeks installation of

CONESSIONS

~i am absolutely in LOVE with sam's new schedule. he now works monday through friday 8-4:30, and it is SO nice to have him home every night, and weekends. i can now do more with my photography, and we are getting more done! and i get more time with him (sorta..between all his meetings and other things, i think it's about the same, it just FEELS like more time :) )

~i have been in bed before midnight all.week.long.

~along with that, i have been awake before 9 every morning. i know this comes as quite a shock to all those who know me. i don't even have an alarm set. my body has just woken me up between 8:50 and 9:00 every day this week.

~along with that, i feel AWESOME about it.

(yes, i just used awesome, in caps. that's how i feel about it)

~i feel like i have to keep people updated. whether it's my mom, my sister, my hubby, the internet, etc. i don't want people to worry. so i keep people updated. what happened to the time where we had to write letters, and it would take days to find something out. now it's just a matter of minutes. and i'm addicted to it. although, i have to admit that i have cut back.

i don't use twitter as much anymore :)

~i have stayed in pajamas for two days this week. i need spring.

anywho, hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

wish me luck on teaching my sunbeams this sunday. i'll need it.

Monday Confessions? :)

2011-02-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

yeah, so i am having more luck making these monday confessions.
i need to be more consistent.

~ i am obviously not consistent. :) most of what i do, is random. i really really need to find consistency in what i do every day.

~ i was asleep by 11:00pm last night. and was therefore up before 9 this morning fully rested. i think i'm going to get used to this. :)

~my house is a mess. i try to keep it clean, but things are always pulled back out just shortly afterwards. so i give up most of the time. :)

~i am in love with the warm weather we've been having. seriously, we drove around yesterday with our windows rolled down. too bad it's going to get cold again this weekend. boo.

~i still have some christmas decorations out. they are just little ones, but they are still out. and i look at them every day thinking "i should put those away" and then just never do. maybe as soon as i am done with this...

~i want a dwarf pomegranate tree. it grows in a pot that you can keep indoors when it's cold outside, and put it outside when it's warm. but it makes pomegranates!! i want one.

well, that's all for this week. hope you all have a wonderful valentine's day. :)

happy valentine's day from our house to yours.

smiley faces, and chocolate

2011-02-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

fact : i don't want march to come. it means my little boy turns 3. :(

fact : i am actually in a very contently happy mindset right now. dreams are coming true, and life is good right now.

fact : i use waaaay too many smiley faces when i type stuff.

fact : i haven't had chocolate for a week, and i need to change this stat.

fact : i could sit and watch movies with my little all day long, as long as he sits and snuggles me all day long. :)

fact : i need to get out more. bubba and i. we need a play group or something that we can attend. or at least other kids that bubba could play with.

fact : i can't wait to have a house that i can decorate, paint, and all that stuff. seriously, love finding new ways to decorate, and trying to do them myself. (i made the curtains that hang in our front room :))

fact : i.am.content. :)

What the..

2011-02-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

i can't even keep up with the confessions for 2 weeks. bahaha.

i have my reasons.

i wasn't home by my computer.

but i am sure none of this matters, i should have got them done.

so, here are my confessions from last friday.

~i am spoiled rotten. seriously. i can go to the fridge and always count on my water bottle being filled up, sam takes amazingly good care of me. :)

~i don't like putting bubba in his own bed. more often than not, he will fall asleep next to me on the couch while we watch a movie. not the most comfortable, but definitely love it.

~i want to move somewhere warm. i'm tired of this cold. i want my shorts, flip flops, sunglasses, and warmth.

~i can't bring myself to say goodbye to some people or some things. even though i really need to

~bubba told me the other week that he didn't like me because he was mad at me. i cried.

anyway, hopefully i will stay more on track of this. :)

enjoy

Friday Night Confessions

2011-01-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

well, it's been a while since i've done my confessions

shall we see if i can get back into them?

maybe then you will get a new blog post from me every week. haha

maybe.

let's see.

~i cut my hair this week, and i absolutely LOVE it. seriously. i know that a lot of people (including my hubby) likes it long, but it was driving me BONKERS. it's now short (short enough that it won't pull into a ponytail) and so easy to do. it's an a-line cut, and i'm in love. :)

~i want a minion off of despicable me. they look like they would be fun to have around. and also very encouraging. i think it would be fun.

~my neighbors are better than your neighbors. it's about time i confess this. but honestly, they brought me dinner tonight, while i was trying to figure out what to cook. they made us a complete pizza, and brought it over to us. seriously. amazing.

~i'm having a really hard time with people who lie lately. if you don't have the guts to tell me the truth about something, don't lie about it. i'll find out.

~my favorite disney movies growing up, were beauty and the beast, snow white, and cinderella. and can i tell you how excited i am that lion king will be coming out this year?

SO.EXCITED.

i think i will end there. 5 seems like a good number to start with again. :)

so, please leave me some comment love, so i feel encouraged to keep this up. :)

oh, and i will try to post a picture with every post from here on out. these are of my new hair.

told ya. LOVE.IT.

enjoy :)

the ants.

2011-01-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

we have ants in our place.

i can't stand them

they sneak in from the MIDDLE of our apartment (where the water heater and furnace are) and if ANYTHING gets on the floor, they will come a crawlin.

which doesn't help with the spider issue. but that's a different post for a different day.

well, bubba has always been fascinated by the ants. he picks them up, and lets them crawl on him.

he also picks them up and comes in and throws them at me.

i think you know how i feel about that.

and then he went through a faze where he wanted to kill all the ants.

and i would hear him in the kitchen yelling at them to "go away" and then it would proceed with hitting the floor.

(i know, i taught him well.)

well..this is what happened today.

i was in making dinner (first time EVER using our crockpot that we got for christmas!) and bubba thought he was being ever so helpful in sweeping the floors.

since we have to sweep a lot to keep the ants away

so he was sweeping the floor, and had a nice little pile going, and then i hear

"oh no!"

i turn around to look at him, and he's squatting on the floor, picking up the ants.

next i hear

"it's ok, it's ok"

i turn to look at him again, and he's KISSING the ants, and trying to hug them. and i hear

"i luw you, it's ok"

melt.my.heart.

so yes, the ants will probably continue to live with us, because bubba loves them. :)

2010 in a Nutshell.

2010-12-31T12:14:00.000-08:00

as the year draws to a close, we can't help but look back and reflect on everything that's happened this year.

some good, some bad, and some ugly.

seriously.

let's see if i can recap this year.

sam went through 3 jobs this year to finally end up in one that is doing great for us!

we are counting our blessings that he has a job that is providing us health insurance, an income that is supporting us right now, and other benefits that we for sure want to take advantage of. it is quite a commute, which we are looking at changing next year.

in may we moved out of my parents basement (yay! no offense to the parents, but you know what we mean :)) and into our own little apartment. we are dreaming of the day when we can get a house of our own, but for now, we are at least our own little family. (even though we still probably see my family just as much :)) we haven't been on our own since bubba was born, and we took a leap of faith and made it happen. luckily, things worked out for the better. :)

bubba turned 2 this year, and acts it. :) he knows how to push buttons, and be cute whenever we needs to :)

seeing him get SO excited over things has been such a highlight for us, and we count our blessings every day that he is with us :)

in july, sam and i celebrated 8 years of marriage. can you believe it's been 8 years?

we can't. :)

my business has been even better this year, and really helped us along! my clients have all been amazing, and my business has taken me far beyond what i expected it to. i was fortunate and so blessed to be able to go to new york for a week with my good friend, seattle for a week with my mom, and oregon to photograph bubba's birthmother's wedding. seriously amazing clients. :) i am SO fortunate to be able to be doing what i love to do.

Crystal and Joey at their wedding :)

we took a family trip to california when sam's grandmother passed away. we enjoyed spending time with family during that time. it was an amazing trip.

we've been lucky to not have to face some of the trials that a lot of people have faced, and know that the Lord is watching out for us.

i received a calling in the primary at our church, and love teaching the 3-5 year olds. they are such amazing kids, and i love that time i have with them.

we are so excited for 2011 and what is has in store or us. we can't wait to grow, and learn, and try to come closer to God as we do so.

we are working on making our goals for the new year, and hope we can exceed our expectations of ourselves. :)

we'll let you know in a year. :)

HaPpY nEw YeAr to all our friends and family. :)) we love you tons.

thank you for helping us make 2010 a good year :)

Merry Christmas

2010-12-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

no guarantee on when i'm going to write again, so i thought that i would at least let the few of you who read my blog know that i am wishing you the very best holiday season possible.

may your holidays be bright, and your wishes granted.

and let's not forget the reason for the season.

let's not forget the reason that the stars seem to shine a little brighter during this season

the person who came to this earth to live and die for US.

HE is the reason we celebrate Christmas.

Jesus Christ gave the ultimate gift.

for us to live with him again.

and as we celebrate his birth, let's not forget.

Merry Christmas to all our friends and family. :)

End of the year?!

2010-12-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

seriously, the end of 2010?

already?!

i know you are probably getting sick of me claiming that the year has gone by too fast.

so i will do my best to reign it in. :)

i thought i would post an update, so that whenever someone reads my blog (the 1 or 2 of you out there) it isn't so depressing.

we are getting ready for christmas over here.

our tree is up, the lights are up and bubba would love to have them lit ALL day long.

stockings are up along our banister.

the smell of christmas treats fills our house constantly.

and we don't really spend a lot of time at home. haha

we go over to my parents almost every day and help them get ready for the holidays.

i'm sure they are probably sick of us. :)

bubba is absolutely a delight to watch this Christmas season. he gets SO excited over some of the things. he calls everything christmas (including santa) and i think we have him a little confused on some things.

for instance, he knows that it is Jesus' birthday, but then confuses santa for Jesus. but he calls santa "ho, ho ho" or more like "oh oh oh"

he loves looking at the christmas lights, and we have driven through layton's lights probably more times than i can count!

he's done really well with our tree, and has only tried to take the ornaments off a couple of times when we aren't looking. :)

he loves the snow, although we really don't have any right now.

and if you take him down a toy isle at the store, you are in for a real treat. :)

he dances around from toy to toy yelling "look at that!" or squealing.

he is in love with spiderman

seriously.

we have our nativity set up, and bubba loves looking it out and pointing out the sheep, and baby Jesus. :)

and i totally just got distracted while writing this, and left the computer for 30 minutes. wow. sorry bout that.

anyway, we are excited for christmas this year, and the excitement that we get to watch from bubba.

it really is addicting. :)

breathing

2010-12-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

have you checked the calendar today?

did you see that it's december 1st?

did you cry a little, and then climb back into bed wishing that it was, say..august again?

i did.

i don't like that this year has gone by WAY too fast! i don't like the fact that my little will be 3 in just a few short months. i don't like that christmas is in 25 days, and i really have nothing for it.

and i really don't like the cold.

and i realize that really, none of those statements really made any sense together. but oh well.

i know that a lot of you don't know what the next part of this post means. and i might have it in me to expound on it at a future date. but right now, i can only post what i'm feeling.

it's been a week.

i'm finding myself having to force myself to keep going.

a week ago, my world started to slip between my fingers yet again.

i bawled. i was mad. i prayed.

i pasted a smile to my face, and tried to live.

it was thanksgiving after all. it was supposed to be a happy time. but while everyone else was laughing and telling stories and jokes,

i wanted to crawl into bed, and stay there.

i spent many minutes staring out the car window as we drove from place to place.

i'm sure, in fact i KNOW that sam was worried.

i pretended that life was great when around people.

but he saw the ugly side of me.

the side that showed hurt, and pain, and tears.

and he was there for me.

i was falling apart inside.

it was a rough few days.

really.rough.

and here i am about a week later.

still trying to breathe.

still fighting off the tears that come daily.

life isn't so much falling apart anymore

i admit, i still want to stay in bed most days.

but stick with just staying in my pajamas.

i pray.

a.lot.

there has to be a reason.

even if i don't know it yet.

and i will get through it.

life will go on.

and i'll be ok.

but in the meantime, i will focus on 2 major things in my life

my little family

and breathing.

Snow Days

2010-11-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

it snowed yesterday

all.day

bubba was in heaven.

you see, bubba LOVES the snow

he could play outside in the snow all day if he could. and if you ask him if he's cold, he will look straight into your eyes, with his pink little face and say very resoundingly,

NO!

he stares out the window saying over and over again

"snowball!"

he throws the snow, kicks the snow, eats the snow, and falls down in the snow.

seriously, he's like the complete opposite of me when it comes to snow. :)

so yesterday, when it snowed all day, we tried to prevent bubba from playing in it while we went to church, and then finally when we came home, we let him dress up to go out back and play in it.

he. was. in. heaven.

here are some pictures of him out enjoying the snow. :)

and can i say how much i love the holidays for the lights? such amazing bokeh!!

our christmas tree. i love it. :)

enjoy! :)

is there another?

2010-11-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

it's late

and i'm thinking again

usually not a good combination, but ah well, it's keeping me awake.

you know, one of those can't sleep until you can think something through nights.

i've been wondering lately if there is another little to join our family.

i wonder if they are out there yet, watching us, and just waiting for the right moment to come into our little family.

is there another birthmother out there, that would see us fit to raise their precious child?

we already know that we are going to have to fight to get everything turned in for another adoption.

we already know that

and we are working on it with everything that we have in us.

but what if this is it?

what if, there are just going to be the three of us?

i can't believe it.

i KNOW there is another one out there.

at least one.

so, if i know that there is another one, why do i have these feelings of doubt? why do the little "this is it" things keep coming into my head?

why is it so dang hard to get to that point that we can just push through?

i am trying to be patient. i really am.

but it's hard to be patient when everything depends on someone else.

hopefully things will work out quickly, so we can get started with it again.

anywho...thanks for letting me voice my thoughts.

let's hope i can go to bed now.

if not, i will be sitting here,

wishing,

hoping,

and praying

that there is another one out there.

haircuts and bumps

2010-11-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

as you could probably tell in the last photo i put up of bubba, he needed a haircut

bad

but like a good mother, i refused to cut his hair.

why, you ask?

because it was long enough that i could run my fingers through it

i didn't really have to do it, because well..it would do whatever it wanted to anyway, and it still looked cute (at least to me :))

but i have a persistent husband.

who said we NEEDED to cut bubba's hair.

fine. i gave in.

and i think i cried. as long pieces of hair fell from his head, and then as bubba saw them and tried to put them back on his head. he wiggled. a lot.

sam cut it, and although it looks ok, you could tell there was a little difficulty. and this is why i like to go somewhere to have it done.

it is shorter than i would like, by a long shot, but oh well.

hair grows back, right?

and yesterday, while he was playing around at my parents house, he got a little too rambunctious, and fell into a corner of a wall.

luckily it didn't split his head open, but i think if he had hit it any harder it would have.

he now has a line of a bruise running down his forehead. luckily the bump is mostly gone, and he doesn't act like it is bothering him.

so he wanted more pictures done today. how can i turn him down? here are a couple...

see....still cute. :)

Lazy Autumn Days..

2010-11-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

yes, i changed it.

i believe it usually goes lazy summer days..but oh well

it's my blog and i can put what i want.

this is what is on our agenda today

~watch movies

~update my blog (check!)

~laundry (because bubba is on his last pair of underwear, and we have to be safe..)

~edit some photos

~burn more cd's for clients

~watch more movies

~eat soup

~eat oreos

~stay in pajamas (or like bubba, just underwear, but unfortunately i'm not THAT carefree..)

~dishes, but they might wait

~and if i get to it, i might decided to finally make those curtains that have been waiting...

sounds like a busy day huh. i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to get it all done :)

i guess only time will tell.

oh, and want to hear something exciting? i just won a $100 gift card to an online design shop. i am SO excited that i had to share it with you

just had to.

let's see, i need to post some about adoption as well...

oh!!

you need to go to THIS website and vote for your favorite adoption month button. :)

alrighty peeps, i'm off to go crank out my to-do list :)

enjoy your wednesday!

...hmmmm...

2010-11-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

i am at a loss as to what to write..

let's see

sam has finished training at his work, and is now out on the floor, or whatever he does

bubba is growing up way to fast, as proof of this picture..(which by the way i absolutely LOVE)

and our adoption process is on hold.

yet again

*sigh*

i'm so tired of depending on other people for things to go through

i am tried of being taken advantage of

and i'm tired of being led on, only to be dropped again.

hopefully we can continue our adoption paperwork as soon as possible. but we just don't know right now.

what doesn't kill us will make us stronger right?

let's hope so,

because i feel pretty weak right now

Adoption Walk

2010-11-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

for national adoption month, there is going to be an adoption walk! where you can go and walk with others that have had adoption bless their lives.

we are hoping to be there. if any of you know us, we are not morning people (yes, i have made sam succumb to my sleeping in ways :)) so to get up and ready and into salt lake by 9:30 might be kind of tough, but we are going to try!

the adoption walk is happening THIS saturday at 9:30 am at liberty park in salt lake city.

they are going to be having a bunch of things going on, such as food, prizes, balloons and lots of fun! so make sure you come and walk in celebration of someone you know and love who has been touched by adoption.

the theme every year is 'orange you glad for adoption'...and prizes will be given for those that are wearing the most orange. so make sure that you take part in the fun and dress accordingly :)

come join in the fun, and try to pass the word along!!

it will be fun :)

National Adoption Month

2010-11-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

i attempted to do this last year.

i didn't do so well.

so we are going to try and do it this year.

my goal was to do a post EVERY day about adoption.
SOME form of adoption (even it was just to post a picture of bubba :-))

yeah...not so much

and i would try to do the same thing this year, but let's face it.

i know i can't do it. haha.

you've got to know your limits right?

let's come up with a new plan, shall we? my goal is to post on this blog 10 times this month about adoption.

i should be able to accomplish this right?

right.

or at least, that's what i will tell myself. :)

so, let me know, what does adoption mean to you? what questions do you have about adoption? i feel like i am pretty open about our adoption, and am willing to answer pretty much everything out there. so, feel free to ask away :)

i will start by telling you what adoption means to me:

AdOpTiOn:

means that i don't have to sit alone at home while my hubby works.

it means that i have a full time job working 24/7. (i would like to see that overtime please :))

means that when a little boy gets an owie, i'm the one he runs to to make it better

it means that i get to make those better, and make him smile.

it means that my heart melts multiple times a day because of a "tank you mommy", or a "luuuv you mommy"

its means waking up at night (sometimes multiple times) to check on a little boy when he's sick.

adoption means i have an even larger family than most, we gained a lot of sisters, aunts, uncles, etc.

it means that disney movies are our movies of choice.

it means e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

it means that someone, somewhere saw me fit to be a mother, and gave me the absolute best gift in the world.

it means i'm a mother.

and i wouldn't change it for anything.

p.s. now it's your turn: what does it mean to you? what questions do you have? feel free to email any questions to winsorphoto@gmail.com if you want to ask anonymously. :) help me advocate adoption :)

Family

2010-10-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

fam·i·ly
[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] noun

1. a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not

2. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins

what does family mean to you?

have you ever felt "left out" from your family? i mean, understandably it happens sometimes.

say everyone goes to see a movie, and no one thinks to call and invite you.

or they plan get togethers (i.e. birthday parties, summer picnics, holidays, etc) without ever mentioning it to you.

understandable that it just happens sometime, right?

but what if it happens more often than not?

and no one cares?

so, i bring you back to my original question.

what does FAMILY mean to you?

now, let me verify by saying that my direct family is amazing. :) i have sisters that will call me when they are having a bad day, and brothers who will text me randomly just to tell me that they love me. they call and invite me to go shopping with them, because i might be bored.

see, what did i say.

amazing.

but i have to admit that the SECOND part of this definition is where i struggle.

you know, the part of aunts, cousins, grandparents, etc.

that e.x.t.e.n.d.e.d. family

i have one side of my family who i get along great with, but still feel excluded. (as in, "oh, so and so had a birthday, and you guys threw them a party? and we didn't know!? oh, ok"

another side of my family where i feel like i know just a few anymore. and don't really hear from any of them.

granted, it happens as you all grow up and get older, and have your own kids and your individual families take place and just get too big.

i get that

i have an aunt that i could go to with anything, and wouldn't think twice about it.

i have a sister and brother in law that i think the WORLD of

i have sisters that i would rather face death than to see any of them hurt.

i have a mother and father who love me and care for me.

i have a husband who loves me more than i deserve.

i have a son who is the center of my world right now.

i know that i have not been the best building up my family relationships with my husbands family. and i want that to change. i want to be a part of their lives. i want them to be a part of ours.

so. what does family mean to you?

i think about what i want from my family 20 years down the road.

i want to still be getting along and talking to ALL of my siblings. being able to call them at ANY time just to "chat"

i want my mom and dad to be there for everything possible.

i want to be the best aunt to ALL of my nieces and nephews (no matter how many, and even if I don't like the spouse ;))

i hope i can look past any differences i have with anyone in my family, and still love them.

no.matter.what.

i hope i can give my family the benefit of the doubt, and know that they will NEVER purposefully hurt me.

i hope that my kids, nieces, and nephews will never feel left out or less "liked" by me or any of my siblings.

i hope that my parents never side with any of us, and will treat us all the same.

i hope that we can get together for thanksgiving meals and not be "separated" into different rooms.

i hope that we can take a large family vacation somewhere, where no one feels left out, like they don't fit in, or that they aren't wanted there.

cause that isn't really what a family is.

now, i know that with families, come quarrels.

trust.me.

my sister and i had quite a few girl fights growing up. :)

but i could never DREAM of hurting her intentionally, and i hope she knows that.

or any of my siblings.

i know there are still disagreements, and different views, and just times that we plain won't get along.

but i hope that as a family we can look past the differences, the disagreements, and not judge each other.

and just be a family.

a family, is patience, acceptance, and love.

no.matter.what.

-me

I Had a Dream

2010-10-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree.

I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.

I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

Some videos

2010-09-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

so, i believe that i finally figured out how to add some videos.

so here are some of bubba for your enjoyment. :-)

he was c.r.a.z.y. this night!

enjoy :-)

fun weekends

2010-09-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

a couple of saturday's ago, we took a small road trip.

i had a couple of photoshoots from springville to salt lake with a few hours to kill in the meantime.

and might i add in here, i have an absolutely WONDERFUL husband?

why? because he drives me places on weekends. and he sits in the car with a sleeping child for over an hour while i do my photoshoot, and he puts up with my crazy "while we are here.." requests. see, you wish he was yours. but too bad, i already have him claimed for forever.

anyway, back to what we were doing. i finished the first photoshoot in springville. we had 3 hours to get up to salt lake. i have this project going on with temples, and needed to get pictures of the provo temple, and the mt. timpanogos temple. so we ventured out and explored. :-)

first up was the provo temple

bubba really liked the water fountain in the front of the provo temple

in the above picture, he's pointing to the temple saying "go to temple!"

and he didn't want to leave when we were heading to the car.

next up was the mt. timpanogos temple. this is my FAVORITE temple. this is the one that sam and i were sealed in when we were married, and also the one where we had bubba sealed to us. forever holds a place in my heart.

we had a lot of fun! i will be posting the link where you can purchase prints of the temples that i have artfully made soon :-)

oh, and one just to be funny. :) we laughed for a quite a while over this one :-)

enjoy :-)

-me

how do people do it?

2010-09-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

seriously.

how do people do it?

i guess i better explain what i am questioning..

i am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a photographer, a cleaner, a cook, an entertainer, a teacher, an owie kisser, a sad attempt at being domestic (no really, you should see the veil i just tried to make..), and a rememberer of everything others forget. (i SWEAR i told my hubby that 5 times..)

and some days, i just feel over-whelmed.

so i ask again:

how do people do it?

how do people find balance in their lives?

i feel like i have to many things that require my full attention.

obviously, being a mother and wife comes first. i would drop everything in a split second if my son needed me.

but i feel like if i give that my 100% attention, then all the other areas lack, and i let people down.

maybe that's what it all boils down to.

i'm AFRAID to let people down.

i'm afraid that people will think less of me because it took me an extra day to get their pictures done, or that i didn't get the dishes done in time, or that i missed a party for a friend because my little needed just one more snuggle.

why am i afraid to let people down?

i.have.no.clue.

but, now that i know why i am feeling like this (thank you blogging world for letting me get my thoughts down), i will find out that i can balance things, i will make it work, i will be able to do it.

because i don't want to let you down.

Sickies

2010-09-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

i really dislike being sick.

REALLY. dislike.

as in, i would kick sickness in the face

that is..if it had a face. but where i am the one sick, i really don't want to be kicking myself in the face.

cause that would hurt. like, a lot.

anyway. about a week before i headed out to new york, i had a cold. a very basic cold, stuffy nose, headache, and just bleh feeling. it went away luckily, before i headed to new york. then sam got sick. and was out for the count. then bubba got sick. bad cough, sore throat, etc.

i figured since i had already been sick, i wouldn't get it.

WRONG.

i am currently down, with the feeling that a ton of bricks is laying on my chest. my throat is sore, my head hurts, my body aches, and i am still in my pajamas at 6:30 at night.

(although i could say that i was just getting ready for an early bed, couldn't i..hmm..)

i can't talk, as my voice is barely there and what i can get out sounds awful. (yes, just ask the client that called me earlier today. poor soul. but i can't just ignore them!) hopefully this will be gone in a day or two, and i will be back to my chipper self.

in the meantime, anyone is welcome to bring us dinner. :-)

oh, and i wanted to show you the absolute most precious view in the whole world.

see..completely precious. I love this little face.

where were you

2010-09-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

September 11, 2001.

i was 18 years, and 28 days old.

i was living at my grandparents.

i woke up to people talking in the next room, and the t.v. turned on really loud.

i left my room to find my grandpa and aunt wendy looking out the window to the airport, watching bigger than normal planes land. i asked what was going on, and they said they were grounding all flights. my very first thought that i remember was:

did someone bomb the world trade center again?

little.did.i.know.

i got myself together and went downstairs to watch on the t.v. i walked into the room, as i looked at the t.v. the the first tower to fall, fell.

i started to cry

i watched the t.v. all day long. i was glued to it. trying to figure out EVERYTHING that i could about what was going on. i couldn't stop watching. i remember being curled up on my grandma's couch, sitting in my grandma's spot, just glued.

why was this happening? what did we do? what about all those people?

the images will be forever ingrained into my brain. the faces. the buildings. the planes. everything.

i remember missing my mom. i wanted to be curled up next to her, so she could hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. because i was still just a kid. i AM still just a kid.

and there are some things that mothers have the power to just make better.

i cried. a lot.

and every year, as this date comes around. i still look at articles, still trying to soak up everything that i can about it.

i can't believe it's been 9 years.

it still seems like yesterday.

while i was in new york last month, i told stacy, that one of the things i HAD to do while there, was to visit Ground Zero. it wasn't a negotiation. i was going to go. so we made it happen. the "pit" as they refer it to is surrounded by a covered fence. it's hard to see in. and we couldn't find the building that you could get above it and look down into it. so we did what we could.

there is a church
across the street from ground zero called st. paul's. they have a memorial basically set up inside. so we spent a lot of time in there going through things. they had letters, and basically showed what it was like during the recovery efforts. it was heart warming. i cried. i was choked up. i tried to take pictures, but i wanted to take it all in as well. so i admit that i didn't get as many as i was hoping to. the spirit in there was amazing. the ground around there was hallowed. you could feel it. we were standing in there and i watched a man come in, look around, and then he fell to his knees bawling. it really tugged at your heartstrings. there was so much that happened there, that you can't even begin to wrap your mind around it.

the sign on the pew says the following:

"THE PEWS

throughout the 9/11 relief ministry, the chapel's pews became a refuge for firefighters, police officers, and rescue workers. some came to sit quietly alone; others came to pray. many came to sleep, stretching out with a blanket, pillow and teddy bear provided by volunteers. letters from children cvered each pew, offering an uplifting message of hope.

always read to be called back to "the pit" at any moment, workers kept their boots and equipment belts on, creating deep scuff marks in the pews. when the chapel was cleaned and refurbished in 2002, it was decided not to repair the pews, but to leave the marks as a witness and a tribute to the workers.

today, st. paul's chapel continues to honor the first responders of 9/11 by participating in the 9/11 neediest medical campaign."

and in the blue section it says :

"fireman's coats hung over the pews were a common sight.

at left are items that you might have seen on the pews on any day of the relief effort - a FDNY coat, a police lieutenant's hat, a hard hat, a bandana bearing the words of Psalm 91 - all are mementos of the police, military, rescue and recovery workers who rested here"

here is a cool fire station that is located just a few blocks away as well. and it is still in service. how cool is that?

I hope to never forget that day, or how i felt. as i hope that no one ever forgets. and i thank God every day for those over fighting for this to never happen again.

hugs and prayers.

me.

Facts

2010-09-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

fact : i really really really miss new york. i miss the sights, the feel, the people, the company, the awesomeness. i can't wait to go back.

fact : i really need to de-clutter my life. get rid of anything that brings me down, or doesn't build me up in anyway. and just clear everything out

fact : i am really tired of putting so much into a relationship/friendship when it's acted like it was never given. if someone wants to be my friend, then please show it. otherwise i get discouraged. especially if you treat me like crap, and still expect the effort i put into it. if you don't want to be my friend. fine. but don't act like you do, and then talk trash about me, or to me. it's not nice.

fact : i am usually very complimentative. i give a LOT of compliments. i, however, won't give one that i don't think is deserved. don't like it? tough. deal with it.

fact : i make up words like complimentative often.

fact : i am sitting next to the cutest sleeping boy you will ever lay eyes on. and he melts my heart at least once a day

fact : i am a better person because of my son.

fact : i really need to go to bed soon.

Capturing the Details

2010-08-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

i was sitting here last night as bubba snuggled into me and fell asleep, feeling so much gratitude

i.am.so.lucky.

so lucky to call this little man mine.

i couldn't help but look at him, and see the little details that make him perfect.
because when he sleeps, he is perfect.

i really want his eyelashes

can't help but notice how big he is getting here

his toes, which i still count as often as i can

his hand, and how perfectly it fits into mine

his pouty lips, which he uses to deliver some of the sweetest kisses

again, see how big he is getting? so tall

his feet again

that sweet little face, little button nose, blue eyes. perfect.

his fingers, which he uses to get my attention

i just love him.

and i am oh so very lucky.

-me

Player Down

2010-08-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

last week i went to new york with my good friend stacy. she had a wedding planned out there, so i went along to second shoot with her. we were lucky enough to be able to do some other photoshoots out there as well.

when we weren't doing photoshoots, we were playing tourist. we wandered all over manhatten and brooklyn and saw everything we could possibly see. we rode the subway (i even rode it by myself once :-)) and we had fun. i can't thank everyone who helped me go enough! it was truly the best birthday gift i could ever receive. i haven't traveled on an airplane in about 18 years, and i was SO excited to be able to again...
that is, until the last flight home. we entered into some thunderclouds around salt lake just before landing. this was sunday, the day we had the really strong winds. just before we touched down, the plane tilted clear to one side.
i hit the guy next to me (poor guy, but he was cool about it, luckily we spent the previous three hours talking to each other on the plane)
and then the place tipped to the other side, and luckily, the pilot was able to get it straightened out JUST before we landed. it was scary.

then monday came. i woke up early (because you see, new york has done this for me, i'm going to bed earlier and waking up earlier.) ate breakfast, showered, got ready, and i got hit by pain.

severe.pain.

it was a burning pain in my stomach area. i couldn't move. i was stuck down. the pain moved all through my stomach, but was central to my stomach. i got chills, a fever, and aches. finally after my fever went away, the burning went away. but i still had severe pain in my abdomen. luckily, i have this AMAZING doctor who we were able to go see on tuesday.
found out i had a gall bladder attack, and an ovarian cyst that had blood clots in it.
luckily i feel MUCH better today. still tender, but i can move around more.

the treatment? wait it out. the blood clots will absorb, and the cyst will dissolve. the bad thing about the gall bladder is since i've had one attack, i will most likely have another attack. so, i can either wait until i have another attach, or see a surgeon about it now. the only real remedy is surgery. so we will have to see about that...

but can i tell you how much i have missed being home? it was so much fun to be away, but there are things about home that i enjoy :-) love it here.

anyway, that's what i've been doing lately. i'll try to get more pictures up. :-)

-me

A Month?

2010-08-15T01:30:00.000-07:00

wow, has it really been a month since I have written on here?

and i had to come back and redo my whole blog. dang.

well here is a little something to hold you over i guess

fact: i have been extremely busy. like extremely. i don't feel like i have even had a chance to breathe. and it doesn't look like it's going to end anytime soon. but guess what. a part of me LOVES it. :-)

fact: i turned 27 today. not too bad, but it's weird thinking back on things and being able to say "i haven't done this in over 10 years!" then i feel old.

fact: my feet hurt. i hiked adam's canyon today with kaleigh, and well...i don't think my body handled it well. i need to get back in shape. again something that makes me feel old. i should just avoid those moments..

fact: i need to go to bed earlier.

fact: my little boy is growing up. and i don't like it.

point proven

goodnight :-)

-me

Countdown is on

2010-07-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

we will be leaving for Oregon in about 36 hours.

i.am.so.excited.

i wish that i lived in oregon. that is how much i love it.
(thank you mom and dad for the vacations that instilled this love into my heart)

there is still SOOO much to do. the list is endless.

laundry, clean, edit, a photoshoot tomorrow night, shop, deliver pictures, pack..
ugh

can someone come and do it all for me? pretty please? i will pay in cookies. :-)

and we have now lived in our apartment for 2 months. woo hoo! and i still don't have everything unpacked. haha. we are just about done with everything except for our bedroom. but then once everything is unpacked, i get to decorate. :-) any ideas are welcome.

oh yeah. why are we going to oregon?
(besides the beach calling my name..)

crystal is getting married. :-) that's right, friday she will be tying the knot to joey. i am so excited to be able to go up and take their wedding pictures.
beyond.excited.
to tell you the truth, i think i squealed when i found out.

we will be staying a couple of extra days to, of course, spend at the beach. :-) it has been calling my name over and over again, and i am so spoiled to have a hubby who gives in to my whims. :-)

anywho...36 hours and counting.

All things F...

2010-07-06T01:52:00.000-07:00

this last weekend was the 4th of July. what comes with the 4th?

family

friends

food

fireworks

floats

we had a blast. we went to the Kaysville parade on saturday, then we had a bbq at my parents house, and then fireworks. i always LOVE the kaysville fireworks.

love.them.

sunday was spent singing patriotic hymns in church, and then dinner at my parents again, a FUN photoshoot with an exciting family, and then fireworks at my parents house. we made sure to spend a lot of time thinking about those who have served and are serving for us.

my brother being one of them

monday was filled with another photoshoot, and then fireworks in the evening. we went over to jackie and brandon's for those and then enjoyed games afterwards with them.

earlier on in the week, i had my sister's, my brother, my sister in law, and my nephew all come out for a little photoshoot i was trying to do. the picture at the top of this post is of my sister in law and my nephew.

ADORABLE aren't they?

i haven't had a chance to process all the images, because, well..i've been busy.

after we were all done, i had kaleigh grab a couple of shots of my little family (got to get us in every once and a while!)

anyway, we had a LOT of fun, and i can't wait for next year. :-)

FrIdAy NiGhT CoNfEsSiOnS

2010-07-02T01:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know that by the time most of you read this, it will be Friday morning, or Friday afternoon. But it is Friday none the less, and I thought...

why not bring back Friday Night Confessions?

it's been a while..no?
(so please forgive me if I repeat a lot that I don't remember posting :-))

So....let's see what we've got.

~I absolutely love summer. I do. The warm sun, the thunderstorms, the warm night. The need to NOT sleep with blankets on. But i REALLY don't like how it makes my skin feel. Yuck. I don't need to put any moisturizer or make up on, and my skin feels disgusting.

~Bubba is starting to talk more, and I love it. This isn't really a confession I guess, just something I would throw in there.

~ My first kiss (REAL lip to lip kiss) was my hubby. We had been dating between 4 and 5 months. I had asked him to an Institute Dance, and he agreed. We went, and he kissed me on his doorstep when I dropped him off. I drove home in a cloud. And still do when I kiss him. :-)

~I love crab. Crab and Avocado sandwiches are absolutely DIVINE. I just have to ignore the itching on my tongue afterwards. :-)

~ If I were to ever get a tatoo, it would be on the back of my shoulder. And it would be a cool design of something. Not really sure what though...

~I grew up always wanting to pierce my ears a few more times. As I got older, I was glad that I didn't. But there are still times that I am tempted to go get them pierced again. (Don't worry mom, I most likely won't.)

~I am beyond ready to adopt again. Bubba needs a sibling, and I can't wait until we are ready to put in our papers again. Hopefully it's sooner rather than later.

~I have to tell Bubba at least once a day this. "Don't bite _(insert random body parts)_!!" Silly boy will bite his toes, and then exclaim "ow" and continue doing it while laughing. Makes me worried that he actually enjoys the pain! Silly boy.

Ok, I guess that will be all for now. Hope you enjoy :-)

Last Shooting Star

2010-06-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

It's late, I wander aimlessly around
maybe if I go up there, I'll fall to the ground.

The stars are so bright, so true and so far,
I wonder what it would be like if I were a star.

I plead with the stars that I hold oh so dear,
please show me a sign, let me know you are near.

I please to the One to show me some light,
Cause that's what I need on this dark, chilly night.

I close my eyes, and whisper "please show me the way",
"Please give me the courage to live one more day"

I open my eyes, that are wet with my tears,
As He slowly tries to wipe away all of my fears.

"I'm scared, I'm lonely, am I doing what's right?"
And I hear the wind whisper late in the night.

I close my eyes with tears down my face,
"please give me the strength to finish this race."

I look up at the stars my constellation far,
just in time to see that last shooting star.

Right through the stars I was talking to,
I still don't understand what I'm supposed to do.

But that star, that last little string of hope,
Gave the strength, the courage that I need to cope

I sit out on my roof, late in the night,
Praying to him to show me the light.

Just when you think the finish line is too far,
Look up and He'll show you,
that last shooting star.

-Written by me in 2001

I found this poem while I was cleaning through some stuff today. How true it is today, as it was 9 years ago. I can't remember why I wrote it. But I am sure glad I did. :-)
Enjoy

2010-06-25T01:25:00.000-07:00

ever feel like you can do so much better?

like you aren't the best version of yourself, or of what you can be?

or maybe just something is missing, but you can't figure out what it is to just complete you at that moment?

this is how i have felt today
just not all there

i feel like i could be so much better than what i am. there are SO many things that i could learn, and do, and apply, and accomplish.

but i don't know how to get there.

i could do so much more with bubba, with sam, for myself.
but how

i need to do more.

which is crazy when i come to think of what i already have going on in my life.
but i need to do more.

i need to learn more, apply myself more, make more of myself, i need to DO more

i need to give more kisses and hugs, i need to build more forts, i need to play more, i need to not care so much, i need to compliment more, i need to listen more, i need to be there, i need to cook more, i need to be more crafty, i need to read more, i need to snuggle more, i need to smile more, i need to judge less,
i need to love more.

i need to apply myself more. with my business, i don't feel like i am where i want to be as a photographer. i need to push myself more to get there, without losing myself along the way. i need to be me more. and not let everyone else control my life. i need to stand up for what i believe in more.

i need to be more grateful for what i have and not focus so much on what i don't.

i need to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and photographer

but sometimes, i just don't feel like enough

(this was taken yesterday morning. I sure love this little man)

Summer

2010-06-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love summer. And my favorite parts of summer are from Memorial day to the 24th of July. I absolutely love all the family get togethers, the BBQ's, the holidays, festivities, fairs, rodeos, EVERYTHING! And this summer we are having FUN!

We started out with Memorial Day in California. We had a lot of fun! We had Father's day spent with my family. Steaks, yummy corn, salads. Ahhh. We will be spending the 4th of July here as well and attending all of Kaysville's fun activities! And then we will be off to Oregon for our AMAZING Crystal's wedding! We are oh so very excited for it.

Anyway, that's what's going on right now. We have been taking advantage of my aunts pool while she is out of town. We are going to have to keep this up when she comes back! (THANK YOU CATHY!!) And Bubba LOVES the water! We bought him (ok, Kaleigh bought him) some arm floaties, and then we bought him a noodle. He loves to try and swim! He always tells us to let go so he can float there and doggie paddle. My little boy is growing up!

His favorite phrase right now is "I wanna go home" whenever he is sad, upset, tired, bored, or doesn't get what he wants, he says "Ianna go home" It's so funny. :-)

I am very sore right now. I was stretching out on the floor and Bubba climbed up onto the couch and then jumped on my ribs. Needless to say, it kind of hurts to breathe, and move. So I'm sitting here trying to catch up on everything.

I hope you all have a great summer!

Feelings

2010-06-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

Well, after being sick this week, I decided that I had better take a moment and update my blog. Because, I really am not supposed to let it drag on this long :-)

Sam has started a new job, and is doing well at it. It is a graveyard shift though, so it's been hard on our schedules. Remember all my Friday Night Confessions (I really should start those up again..) where I said I HATED being alone?
yeah
I'm alone each night.
Which I can't say has been easy. I am TERRIFIED of being alone. So, I usually end up staying up until Sunrise and then falling asleep. Kaleigh finally convinced me yesterday to do and stay the night with my family. Which I must say, really helped on me catching up on sleep. :-) But I still need a lot more, and as it nears 1 in the morning, I don't see it coming anytime soon...
maybe I should put House in

Bubba is doing well. He makes me smile every day. Although I admit that it is HARD being a parent. And some days, I want to run away and hide for a bit.
But he gives me a hug and a kiss
and somehow this all seems worth it. :-)

Here are some pictures that were taken clear back in JANUARY! So, they are 6 months old, and there is a HUGE difference between now and then. He's growing up too fast.

Yes, notice the THREE hats on his head? He likes hats..

The crab hat from Grandma and Grandpa

Playing in Great Grandma's bathtub. He sure liked that tub!

As for the feelings title of this post..
Do you ever get the feeling you should be doing something. But you can't seem to do it? That's something that I am experiencing right now. I keep getting the feeling that we need to put in our papers again, but we aren't ready in other ways yet. So I am hoping we can put in our papers soon.
And sooner than it is looking...
because I know better than to not listen to those feelings.

Blech

2010-06-07T18:33:00.001-07:00

i HATE feeling sick
with a passion

i felt pretty good yesterday morning, and into the afternoon.
then my stomach started getting a little iffy
then i couldn't move without feeling sick
only catch,
i was at my parents house

i had to somehow get from there, to my place.
so i sucked it up, got in the car and headed home with sam and bubba
unfortunately i didn't make it all the way home

first time EVER (yes in almost 8 years of living with me) that sam has seen me lose my dinner

got in the house, and felt somewhat better (minus the shaky, numb hands, the aches..)
we tried to go to bed and i was up
all.night.long

miserable.

my body ached so bad i couldn't stay in one position for longer than a couple of minutes
i tossed and turned and tried to keep my belly calm

finally fell asleep about 7 this morning
bubba woke up at 9:30

thankfully my wonderful sister kaleigh came over and tried to help me. i couldn't get up, but i couldn't leave bubba to his own devices.
she fed him, she watched a movie with him (which we watched 5 times today, because i couldn't get up to change the movie...)
my fever went up to 102.

i was supposed to have a photoshoot tonight. i hate rescheduling. but i didn't have a choice.
kaleigh brought me a jamba juice to try and make me feel better.

i sent sam to the store with bubba just so i could lay here.

i'm bored out of my ever loving mind. but i hurt all over to do anything about it

this just sucks.

where's my meds

She did it!

2010-06-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

That's right.

SHE DID IT!!

Kaleigh graduated High School

As we were sitting in there I couldn't help but remember what my graduation was like.

almost 10 years ago.

ACK!! Almost 10 years ago?! where has the time gone? and I can't believe she is graduating High School already.

But CONGRATULATIONS KALEIGH! I am OH SO VERY proud of you!! And I love you lots!!

Want to feel Stupid?

2010-06-03T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you how you can feel stupid later on in my post.

Sam, Bubba and I went to California this last week. We left last Thursday heading down to Santaquin to stay with Aaron and Melanie. We got there about 7ish, and left about 4ish in the morning. Sam went to bed about midnight, and I...well, lets just say I didn't really head to bed...I had a couple of things I needed to tie up with my business before we headed out with no internet. And then Mell and I started watching Grey's Anatomy. And it has been decided. I NEED to watch that show from the very beginning. Every episode. Anyone game? Please let me know. :-)

We headed out at 4, and I slept...until we hit St. George. But it was a very restless sleep... we went to the store there in St. George, and got some things for the remainder of our trip. And took off. I slept again until about Vegas. We stopped in Vegas to get pictures of the Temple. That temple has GORGEOUS grounds to take pictures at!! Can I tell you how much I would LOVE to photograph a wedding there? Holy WOW.

We continued on and as we dropped into Death Valley (I was sleeping) I wasn't awake to unplug my ears. And I woke up with THE WORST PAIN in my head!! I seriously thought I was going to die. And have had a headache since in the same area of my head, I think it's because I still can't unplug my ears...
We made it into California about 4 in the afternoon. We hung out with family members, walked around property, and got ready for Saturday.

Saturday we had the funeral. Which was really amazing. It was good to see Grandma Winsor so peaceful, but yet, the smile was missing from her eyes. We had the viewing, the funeral, and then headed to the cemetery. This was the first time that I had seen Sam's grandpa's grave. As you stand there, you can feel the ocean air in the wind coming off of the ocean. It was so peaceful there. We then went back and visited again with more family.

Sunday, we attended church with Sam's aunt and uncle (who were SO VERY kind to let us stay with them our entire stay) and then headed to the beach with some of Sam's siblings and parents. We ended up going to Mission Beach, where parking was a NIGHTMARE. Seriously. But we finally found some and enjoyed some time on the beach. After that, Sam and I went with his brother to the actual beach and enjoyed the sunset. Seriously, breathtaking. I LOVED it.

Monday, we ended up watching Willie's kids while Willie and Melissa went to the Temple. This ended up taking up most of the day, but we were finally able to break away and go to the beach again. This time we went to La Jolla Cove with a couple of Sam's cousins and their families. This was a lot of fun, we were able to see the seals, and spend some more time just relaxing by the ocean. Thank you Christy for being such a wonderful hostess!

Tuesday morning we woke up and started heading home. I wanted to take pictures of the Temples down in that area, but the San Diego temple had scaffolding all over it. So we decided to try and go take pictures of the Los Angeles Temple. This ended up taking a lot longer than we originally thought it would, and ended up making it to Las Vegas at about sundown. So we stayed in Vegas for a night. We walked up and down the strip (Bubba fell asleep in our arms as we walked) went to bed, and woke up and finished our drive Wednesday. It was a long two days, but we have made it home, and have started trying to get back into our normal schedule.

Now for the stupidity part. While we were away, Bubba developed his fever rash on his chest and stomach. Which was then followed by him holding his throat and complaining, and then his nose running. We hurried home so that we could make it to a doctor's appointment to see if he had strep. Well, we made it to the doctor's, and go to show him the rash, and it's completely gone. Where as the night before it was so bad that it just covered his chest and back. So, the doctor just kind of looked at me saying that it was probably just a cold, and that he just needed time to get over it. But I felt so stupid because on the phone I made just a big deal out of his rash, and we get there and it's gone. Ugh. Oh well.

So that about sums up our last week. Hopefully I will be able to post pictures soon...

Still Unpacking

2010-05-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yes...we have been in here for 2 weeks, and we are still unpacking.
But my front room is starting to look better. We have it down to just a few boxes left.
Bubba's room is pretty much taken care of,
the kitchen is pretty much done,
the bathrooms still need some work,
and our room?
Yeah, that's a WHOLE nother story. :-)

Yesterday we went to church. It was probably the last time going to church in that ward. I am COMPLETELY going to miss it. I was serving in the library, and had made some VERY good friends there! I was very sad to say goodbye. :-(
So the next time we go to church, we will be attending our new ward. :S Wish us luck.

Bubba now has a bedtime routine, and he seems to be doing very well with it! He hardly ever cries now when we put him down for a nap.

Sam had a job interview today. We will find out later this week if he got it. But it would be kind of cool if he got it. :-) I'll let you know more about it, when I find out more! Hopefully I will be telling good news.

Bubba is starting to talk a little bit more now. I still can't understand a lot of what he says, but he is starting to use a few more words to communicate with us. Still a jabberer though.

Last night, we went to Kaleigh's Seminary graduation. I can't believe she is graduating. When I got married, she was 10 years old. Now she's graduating High School. But I don't like to think of myself as older. I still feel 18. :-) And will continue to be 18 until I die. (yes that's right :-))

Alright, off to put a child to bed!

Girls Night Out and Funerals

2010-05-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

I love GNO. There is no other feeling for this.

My WONDERFUL Aunt Wendy came down from Logan and we decided to do a Girls Night Out. We got some Pizza (YUM! I love Pizza...on my list for all time favorite foods..) and some Rainbow Floats from Pace's in Layton. (Well..some preferred to go to Zeppe's in Layton, so we split for that brief time :-)), played Nertz, and watched a movie. Sam took Bubba for the evening, Dad and Curtis went hunting, and Brandon was at work. So we thoroughly enjoyed a house to all of us girls and no kids.

In attendance besides Wendy and myself, were my mom, Tanielle, Kaleigh. Jackie, Tabitha, and my aunt Cathy. It was a lot of fun, and memories were made.

Pizza was Little Ceaser's and we had Hawaiian, and Triple Meat. And of course breadsticks and sauce. D.I.V.I.N.E.
At Pace's I had a fresh strawberry rainbow float. Yummy. What is a rainbow float? It is soft serve ice cream inside a slush mix. Very.VERY.Good.

I have never played Nertz with 8 people before, and things got a little crazy. Cards were being thrown, embedded into heads, sound effects were made. It was a BLAST.

We watched Valentine's Day (the only reason we watched this one, was because Taylor Lautner was is it :-) Although his role in this was not nearly as good as what it is in New Moon..) But it was a funny movie that had me laughing throughout it. It also made me cry (curse hormones).

That is what Girls Night Out is. Days I look forward to. :-)

As for the second part of my post...
It looks like we are going to be heading to california this week. Sam's grandmother passed away late last night. This lady was truly an amazing woman. When Sam and I were married, we went to San Diego for our honeymoon. We stayed at his grandmother's place (His aunt Becky had actually moved in with her and had built on to her house for her own family, and was taking care of her) And she was always wanting to do things with us, make sure that we were ok, and just wanted to take care of us. I have ALWAYS seen her happy! I don't think she was ever mad. She had a positive thing to say about everything and everyone. Truly amazing.
Her funeral is going to be this next weekend, so we are seeing what we can do to make it down for it. Hopefully everything will plan out. :-S

Anyway, enjoy :-)

melting of my heart

2010-05-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

This morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Like, REALLY didn’t want to get out of bed.

I was warm, I was comfortable, bubba was eating breakfast with his daddy, and I was content.

Well, Sam had to eventually go to work after bathing Bubba. He put a diaper on him, put him in bed with me, and said “ok, he’s all yours!” We snuggled down into the covers and just enjoyed the morning. Bubba then started playing peek-a-boo with me and the covers. I got an idea that I wanted to capture these moments. Because they don’t happen all that often!

So, I grabbed my camera, and just played with Bubba, the covers, and the light coming in through the window. He got sick of it after a while, and went to his room and read stories. I was happy he let me follow him. So I kept taking pictures until I filled up my memory card. We then snuggled and watched a movie on the couch. So to describe this morning, bliss.

Pure.Bliss

By the end, he was mad. He wanted to take pictures, and not have any more taken of him. Yes, I'm training him right :-)

So I let him take a picture of me. This was what came out. I was pretty pleased with it. :-) See, I really AM training him well. ;-)

We also went out today to finish up the remainder of the Birthmother present that we will be sending to Crystal hopefully within the next week!! I can't wait to send her what we've got!!

We also went to a party tonight at a good friend's house. It was a lot of fun, and I absolutely LOVE meeting new people! It's making me open up more, and not be so afraid. :-) There was a photobooth there, and I had a lot of fun taking pictures in it. Haha, I will try to show those to you later. But Bubba never took a nap today, so he started getting REALLY onry! So we decided to leave the party a little early and head over to my parents (it was Bubba and I). Bubba really misses his aunts and uncles! We have such a hard time pulling him away from them! He knows now that when we say bye, we are leaving, and he doesn't know when he is going to see them again. Poor kid. Hopefully things will keep adjusting quickly.

He is going to bed easier too. We now have a routine that we pretty much follow every night, and he seems to know what it means. So luckily the last couple of nights haven't been so bad. He hasn't even cried when we laid him in bed. Awww...I sure love this little guy. I seem to be able to enjoy him more now. We can do things just the two of us. He loves to just snuggle next to me and watch what I'm doing, or we can sit and play with his toys, and it is just fun.

Anyway, how's that for my second day blogging? I at least got it in before midnight. :-)

2010-05-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I now have internet at our place. It is still going to take a while to get everything set out and decorated to how I want it, and I don't think I will EVER get it to how I want it. Haha.

Here is a picture of Bubba from a few weeks ago. It was a warm day, so we took advantage of it!

And I guess you will hopefully be reading more about us, because per my mother, I have to update this once a day. (I tried to do once a week...but it wasn't good enough ;-))
So mother, starting today, I will try to be better about blogging. Even if all you get are short little excerpts.
We are excited to see what our future holds, as we start out as a little family again. :-)

Quick Update

2010-05-11T18:03:00.001-07:00

Well, if you haven't heard by now from my facebook, twitter, etc. (I really should update this when I update those...but then you would be getting TONS of posts a day :-))

WE MOVED!!
We have moved out from my parents basement.
which really, they are excited too, so I won't try to hide my excitement. :-)
Hunter has his own room
I have somewhat of an office area
We have our own kitchen, and bathroom, and parking
Woot!

We moved into a 2 bedroom townhome style apartment here. It is smaller than our one we had in Logan, but it is bigger than what we've been living in for the past 2 years.
Can you believe it?
It's been 2 years almost to the day since we have lived on our own.
Excitement, and scared
I've gotten too used to having family around, not being alone, being around a ton of people. To all of a sudden, just Sam, Hunter and I. It's different....

But it's a good different. :-)

So this is just an update. Once I have everything unpacked, I will be posting pictures of it. So hang tight. :-)

Also, I will only have internet off and on for a few days. So bear with me. :-)

Spring

2010-04-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

It is SPRING! You can feel it, you can smell it, and you can SEE IT!
Want some proof?
Here you go!

I love spring.
For some reason, Summer is too hot, Winter is too cold. Spring and Fall are juuuuust right.
I also love how everything changes in these seasons.
Ahhh....I just love it.
And it seems to help tremendously with my mood!
(I know what you are thinking, "tara in a bad mood? NEVER!", but alas I must admit that it does happen every once in a blue moon.)

The grass is getting greener, the house is getting warm enough that you can just open the windows and let the cooler breeze blow through the house, the blossoms are blooming making the world smell so fresh.
The allergies are in full blow...
Wait, this is supposed to be positive.

Anyway.
Things are still kicking around here.
I am amazed at how quickly bubba is growing.
(wait Tara, you said that in the last TEN posts..., but it is still true.)
He found a ticket the other day, that is shaped like a credit card. What did he do with it you ask? He went and closed a door, and used the ticket to slide in between the door and the side, and then tried opening the door.
Like this "key" was going to unlock the door.
Silly boy.
I have NO idea where he has gotten it from, as we haven't stayed in a hotel with him!
He just amazes me. completely
He loves to dance, and is the cutest dancer I think I have ever seen. :-)
And he is STILL getting spoiled by everyone who comes in contact with him. :-)

Something else I am pretty excited for, is he actually knows when he needs to go to sleep now. He still fights it a lot of the time,
but he KNOWS!
And sometimes will happily go down for a nap, or bedtime now.
Ahhh..makes it so much easier!
We are still working on talking.
Although, I know he CAN talk, because he will repeat things.
But he just doesn't talk a lot. But I know that will get better.

I am sitting here typing this, while waiting for photos to upload.
I am SO blessed to be able to pick up more business with my photography!
SO.BLESSED.
I am going to be pretty busy the next few weeks, and am SO excited!
Sam is currently sitting next to me, fast asleep.
I love that he supports me in what I love to do.
Even if it is sitting by me while I edit my butt off late at night. :-)

Anyway, I am going to try and post more of what is going on. My mother says that I need to do it more often. SO, like a good daughter, I will try to comply. :-)

Enjoy.

Update?

2010-04-12T01:19:00.000-07:00

Haha, so..I guess it would be nice if I would come on and actually update huh.
I guess I feel like no one really reads my blog but my family, and they are all here anyway, so what's the point of posting it on a blog, when they witness it.

But for the purpose of giving my mom something to read when she gets online, here we go. ;-)

What have we been up to? Not a whole lot honestly. Trying to survive the sudden blast of winter that mother nature threw at us last week, and just trying to get through each day.

Bubba is growing up SO fast. I can't believe all the things that he knows how to do, or is learning to do. Some of his favorite phrases are of course "mom", "let's go", "no" and "stop" ("stop" being said with his hand up in front of your face. SO cute) He is now 2. Crazy. I don't count the months anymore. I count the years. I don't know if I am ready for that. So I still might count the months. :-) (Just don't tell anyone..)

He loves the camera. He is always trying to pull it out and says "cheese" but whenever I try to take his picture, he runs and doesn't want it taken. Typical. I think I just need to give him a rest from it.

He loves to smile and giggle. He can be SO silly when he wants to! He is just learning how to jump, and of course jumps off of the stairs. So far he has made it down 2 stairs in one jump. He LOVES it. I on the other hand worry about what bone he is going to break...

He is starting to snuggle more now. Which I love and also dislike at the same time. I love it when he snuggles me, but at night when he climbs into bed with me, it sometimes keeps me awake. (Yes, he sleeps in bed with me. When Sam is gone 4 nights in a row, I hate sleeping by myself, he sleeps, and then he is in a habit, so he sleeps with us even when Sam is home. It's rough. But don't hate)

His favorite movie is "Princess and The Frog" and he asks to watch it at LEAST once a day. (I'm tying to limit it) He will point to the TV and say "pincess!!" And he gets so mad during the movie when the prince dances with the wrong girl. Somehow he knows.

I try to enjoy every day with him. He is such a blessing in my life. I love and adore him to pieces. :-)

As for Sam and I, well, Sam still works for the Boys Ranch. And so he is gone usually from Friday to Monday working there. I recently quit Bath and Body Works so I could focus full time on my photography. Which I am happy to say is going well! I am going to be trying to incorporate more photo stuff on to this blog, and just try to merge the blogs somewhat together. So make sure that you are following my Photography blog so you can follow all things that I am doing!

Sam and I are hoping to be moving out here shortly as soon as we can find a place that will work for us. So we shall see how things go!

Anyway, I guess I will end this. Thanks for checking up on me, and I hope there are people out there actually reading. :-) Enjoy!

2 years ago today

2010-03-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it's been two years?
I CAN'T!

I am sitting here readying through blog entries from 2 years ago. Two years ago, I was anxiously trying to FORCE myself to sleep. I was too excited, too nervous, to anxious to sleep.

We had spent all of Saturday driving. We drove from Logan to Portland. needless to say, that drive didn't go fast enough. :-) we got up there, and we got all situated in Michael and Mandy's house (they were out of town for the week, and graciously offered us their house) And awaited the next day. We made all our final arrangements with Crystal, we were to meet at the hospital at 7:30 the next morning.

I really don't think I slept.

The next day was a blur. I remember some things about it SO clearly. Watching Crystal as they started the c-section. Watching her smile at me. Watching them hold Bubba up, they let me go over to see him. Seeing his face. I will never forget that. They bundled him up, and I carried him back over to Crystal. Seeing her interaction with him those first few moments. Priceless. I don't think I will ever forget that. But other things just kind of blurred together.

We still thank Crystal every single day for that day, and everything she has done since. She is truly amazing. We thank her from the bottom of our hearts. Our family with her started 2 years ago. And we are SO lucky to call her family.

He still makes this face :-)

I am kind of torn to see Bubba turn 2. I love that he is growing up and learning new things, and I LOVE watching it! But I want him to stay little forever. You see, I don't know when we are going to decide to add to our family. We want to add, like yesterday. But that's not really going to happen. So where we aren't sure, we want to hold on to EVERY single moment of his childhood. He's growing up too fast. But I still can't believe that he is mine to snuggle, and love. I love him with everything I have possible. He is my sweet little boy, and I can't believe he's two.

Happy Birthday sweet baby.

WPPI

2010-03-12T00:26:00.001-08:00

This last week, I was able to attend what is called WPPI (Wedding and Portrait Photogerphy International)

I.had.a.blast.

to simply put it, it was amazing to me

I met SO many wonderful people, enjoyed company of those that I already knew, and became So inspired!
I got to rub shoulders with some of the best of the best photographers out there

I learned a lot and I will be trying to implement that information into my business, and my life in general

tomorrow, I will hopefully be uploading pictures so I can create a time line of what happened

But thank you to EVERYONE that made my trip the trip it was. It was SO very worth it
:-)

Heartache

2010-03-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

HEARTACHE

heart·ache \härt-āk\
Function: noun

anguish of mind : sorrow

have you ever wanted something SO bad
that is literally HURTS to not have it?

do you ever look at things, and
STARE
just to wish that something would happen?
thinking that if you look hard enough, or long enough,
that it will

or you pray that just maybe your faith was good enough this time

and time and time again, it doesn't

so you cry
you have your time
and you try again

only to have it fail over, and over
and over again

but you put a smile on your face
pretend it doesn't bother you
and move on with your life

only to be faced with the same thing again

and no matter how many times you tell yourself
"this time, I won't let it affect me"
it still does

Yeah, I have those days too.
:-(

Just so you know

2010-02-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

I am holding a contest for my business! Check it out

http://www.winsorphotography.com/blog

Make sure that you enter! And if you can't enter, pass the word along to all your friends and family!

I look forward to doing it!

Random Nonsense

2010-02-18T22:42:00.000-08:00

I don't really have a purpose of blogging tonight...other than I feel like I need to.

Sounds exciting huh.

So, let me apologize for anything in advance that might come out of my mouth tonight. :-)

Ever feel lost? Like you don't know where you are going? But you know you have to keep moving forward? That's kind of how I have felt today.

and trust me, I have MANY reasons to be happy.
I remind myself of them D.A.I.L.Y
(many times a day)

But sometimes you just wonder what's going on, and
what's the point

I am sure the weather attributes to a lot of this
also a sick kid who isn't letting me get much sleep

I do a lot of thinking
which I usually try not to do, because I don't like diving too far into this head of mine

but sometimes, you just have to

there are a lot of things I am going to work harder on.
and some things that I am really going to try and let go

no matter how painful it may be
no matter how many tears are shed
because that's what I want to do right now

Curl up and have a good cry

but know that for now, I am alive and surviving each day

and I have one CUTE little boy :-)

And my mood will pick up soon, don't you worry :-)

Potty Training?

2010-02-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

I think I might officially be crazy.
Why?
We are trying to potty train.
YIKES!
He's growing too fast.
But I can't tell you how excited I will be once he is OUT of diapers!

He is currently standing here wearing nothing but Mickey Mouse underwear.
And I can't tell you how cute he looks. :-)
How grown up he looks. :-(
And since I put them on him, he has actually told me when he needs to go to the bathroom!
can it really be easier than I thought?
I am sure there are going to be LOTS of accidents.
And I am sure we are going to have a hard time.
But HEY
We've got to start somewhere. :-)

And why not start at the beginning

Sam and Tara

crazy

how my mind works

babies don't keep

sick

merry christmas 2011

dismissing

adoption

hello

friday confessions

bear lake

i have to confess

busy, busy

love

friday confessions

friday, shmiday

update

june confessions

love

pictures

confessions

still here

a day with the dinos

Sicky

Randomness...

i have to admit

appendicitis

already?

Friday Confessions

relief

3 years new

confessions, confessions

Workout?

march 2008

Friday Confessions

Creative Imagination

Blessed

Friday Confessions

healthy boy

Friday Confessions

Long Day

Friday Confessions

Monday Confessions? :)

smiley faces, and chocolate

What the..

Friday Night Confessions

the ants.

2010 in a Nutshell.

Merry Christmas

End of the year?!

breathing

Snow Days

is there another?

haircuts and bumps

Lazy Autumn Days..

...hmmmm...

Adoption Walk

National Adoption Month

Family

fam·i·ly[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] noun

I Had a Dream

Some videos

fun weekends

how do people do it?

Sickies

where were you

Facts

Capturing the Details

Player Down

A Month?

Countdown is on

All things F...

FrIdAy NiGhT CoNfEsSiOnS

Last Shooting Star

more

Summer

Feelings

Blech

She did it!

Want to feel Stupid?

fam·i·ly
[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] noun