Tomorrow

Well, time has snuck up on us, and it's here.

Tomorrow is the big day. I head into the hospital in the morning, and the goal is to be returning tomorrow evening.

That's the goal.

I've been informed that I could be in the hospital for up to 4 days depending on how everything goes. So I guess we will see.

I am feeling nervous. A little scared, but mostly nervous. And the thing that makes me the most nervous is feeling sick after waking up. I REALLY don't want to throw up. Haha. I would much rather take the pain over the nausea.

So I guess I will report back when it's done.  Prayers and good wishes would be great. :)

2 Weeks To Go...

2 weeks left until surgery.

I've been doing WAY to much research (and by research I mean google and Facebook groups being the main source..) on what's involved in this surgery.

Did you know that it's like 3 major surgeries in 1? Crazy! They will be taking out 4-6 organs. That just sounds intense to me.

But then days like today (cramping from my PCOS and Endo acting up) make me REALLY wish I didn't have to wait another 2 weeks for this! I can't wait to not be dealing with the pain every day from it all. I can't wait to not have to worry about going out at any point in time. I can't wait to get part of my life back.

Then, I'm not ready to lose that hope I've been holding on to for the last 14+ years of bearing children.

Definitely a fight between heart and brain. :/

Closing Doors

Closing doors.

I have gone back and forth and back and forth on posting this. I've re-written it several times and I'm still not sure about making it public and sharing my story. I know there aren't a lot of people who still read my blog, so I'll slowly start to share a little here. :)

It's about time. If I'm not lying to myself. My poor body has been through enough with fertility treatments, miscarriages, PCOS, Endometriosis, and everything that comes with it each month. But for some reason, that doesn't make it any easier.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we need to just take it all out"

That's what I heard at my last annual OB/GYN appointment. I knew it was coming. But I still held back the tears.

A Hysterectomy. It just seems so.....final. Which it is. They can't exactly put another uterus and everything back in whenever I want.

We've tried for 14+ years to get pregnant. From medicated cycles (over 24 months of clomid) to IUI's (10+ including a couple with Donor Sperm) to IVF (3 cycles). We've had 6 miscarriages and countless negative pregnancy tests. 2 surgeries for Endometriosis, HSG tests, and more doctors seeing my who-ha than I care to admit.  And over the years, everything has just become worse.

So it's time. Eviction notice has been posted for the week between Christmas and New Years.

And while part of me is relieved. Part of me is heartbroken. I've worked so hard to hold on to hope for the last 14+ years, and now it's going to be snuffed out. All hope for carrying a child will be disappearing with my uterus. And that's kind of a sad pill to swallow.

I hope to be posting more on here with my thoughts leading up to surgery, and also the recovery. Because if it helps ONE person, it's worth sharing.

But it's ok. I will be ok. My dream was to be a mother. Which I am. I have 2 beautiful boys who call me mom, and foster children that I get to love on as long as they are here. My dream was just answered a little differently.

And as they always say, when 1 door closes, another one opens. So here's to more open doors, and seeing what life has in store for us.